I’m wide awake cuz I slept nearly 12 hours. A day to be grateful there’s no kid, otherwise I’d have had to have gotten up at 6 AM, rather than noon.

Tom will be home soon. He’s gone from weighing 225 to 196 and now I can really see a difference. It took that long cuz he’s so tall. With me, if I gain or lose two pounds you can see it.

Yesterday I told Tom of my decision and why and read him parts of this journal. I thought he’d be happy, but instead, he was against the whole thing, and it told him once more that I don’t even know him. I’m hungry now, so I will discuss it later.

Later...

Tom just got home and is now eating, so now I can write. Anyway, like I began to say on the last page, Tom said it wasn’t my decision to make alone. Well, what do you expect when he doesn’t cum, tells you you’d say mean things to the kid and when you know this is very true?

I’ve made my decision and I fully intend to stand by it for the many many reasons I’ve gone over in these books. I will take no chances and will certainly not play games with him for two more days, let alone two more years. All he can tease me with now is just sex itself, but I know how to take care of myself.

Last night, though, he went down on me and did a great job.

This “secret” of his back when he was sure I’d be a bad wife but was wrong really has me wondering what other secrets he has. It’s convinced me all the more that he always thought I’d be a bad mom, never wanted a kid regardless, and I couldn’t ever go back on my decision due to this.

He really does seem to do what I suspect. I remember that about a week ago I was discussing with him what made us more negative and positive. I said that if someone cuts me down with things I do or want to do I tend to say, what the hell? They’re probably right and I tend to draw away from whatever it was I wanted.

He used this against me and as an excuse to get out of it and for me to doubt wanting and having a kid. Well, he didn’t completely, but he helped. In other words, I realize on my own, no matter what he says, what a lousy Mom I’d be.

I did say how he’s gonna have a harder time keeping the game going and making excuses forever and he saw the perfect opportunity and escape in my saying that and in his saying I’d be a bad Mom, in his feelings and opinions.

When I mentioned his being more physical and sexual with me, he said, “We all show our love in different ways.”

Yeah, I figured. It’s just not in him to be physical with me or have sex steadily. He likes it in spurts. We have sex for 4-5 days, then we don’t for 4-5 days, and back and forth over and over.

Then he seems to be contradicting and reminds me that you never do know and that I don’t take the steps and chances to be proven wrong. If spreading my legs for his dick isn’t taking a chance to be proven wrong, then what is?

I’m gonna be sending Bob the Reunited Love story with Robin.

If Andy’s car is fixed tomorrow, he’s gonna come over to give me my presents which he says he wants to give to me in person.

Tomorrow some guy’s coming over to buy computer parts for $20. I hope. We hope.

I’m using 1 of my 2 new spiral journals for a story called Accidental Love. I don’t know if I’ll be using the other spiral journal for the next journal yet. We’ll see.

Tom’s working on one of the computers we’re selling, of course, showing no sexual desire for me whatsoever.

I’m gonna be surprising my in-laws with a letter and drawings, so now I shall go begin the drawings.

Later...

Oh, God! Tomorrow Tom said he’d like to talk about this “child thing.” The reason why I almost dread it is cuz I’m afraid it’s gonna get me all emotional, pissed off, upset and I’m gonna have to hear things I’m not exactly gonna want to hear. The truth hurts, but I have to continue facing the truth like I’ve been doing more than ever. Maybe he’s gonna come out and tell me he lied all along and confirm my suspicions that he just went along with me, said he wanted a kid cuz I said that and was too afraid to break my heart with the truth. Or maybe he’s not done playing his game and is gonna say he wants a kid and try convincing me not to give up and give him the so-called “opportunity” so he cannot cum and try fucking with my head again. Well, it won’t work this time around.

I’d love to, one, be able to get pregnant and have a healthy baby, and two, be a good mother, but both of these are strictly fantasy.

As much as it hurts, I refuse to live on fantasies anymore. I’ve got to get on with my life and put my time, energy and effort into things that are possible. Also, I refuse to set myself up to fall and put myself in a position where he can play with my head.

He says he wants to talk about our feelings, although he hasn’t yet made a decision. Yes, he has. He made it when we met and he stuck to it. I’ll be sticking to mine, too.

The day after my birthday, I was watching an episode of Little House when a guy was praying for strength to do the right thing, follow his head and turn his back from searching for gold. He did this as it was dictating his life and keeping him from stuff he should do and was able to do. It’s like that show was meant for me and I shall pray to God to help me turn further and further away from any thoughts of a child, accept never having one, do the right thing for the sake of the kid, our marriage and get on with my life. I know he’ll help me and be proud of me.

Later...

I just left Andy a few messages. I read him Bob’s letter as he wrote it, then read it with my changes.

Earlier I told Tom, “I know I can’t change you, but I sometimes wish your sexual appetite was as high as mine.”

He answered that we had to discuss the “child thing” first. Great answer and great excuse. Like his tongue could cause any accidents? And as if his dick that he refuses to let cum could? Why couldn’t he just tell me he didn’t want to or was too tired?

After I finish this book, yes, I will use the other spiral one (the fish cover) as the next journal. If this story goes over the 1st spiral one (the flowers) I’ll wait for another spiral one to put that part of it into there.

I’m at a point now where I don’t feel like doing anything, but am nowhere ready for sleep yet. Not with all I slept today.

The pigeons really make a mess with their shit on the patio and pool area, so I began feeding them at the end of the yard on the block wall bricks as I did in the beginning. This has been useless, though, cuz they come onto the pool area and the patio right up to the back door after they ate with hopes of my giving them seconds.

It shouldn’t, cuz there are so many more pros to not having a kid, but the thought of never having a kid tears me up. What choice do I have, though? Even if I could’ve been a good mother and if the DES and God would allow it, Tom never will, no matter what he says. There’s nothing I could ever say or do that’ll make him give me a child anyway. He’s just soooo against it. Not just cuz of me. He doesn’t want to deal with it and have to give up time he barely has for it. He’d also be jealous. If he doesn’t say he never wanted one tomorrow, or that he “suddenly” doesn’t, he’ll hope we both say we want one, so he can play, “Let’s tease her and not put my actions where my mouth is.”

Someone really hurt this man. If it isn’t any kind of animosity toward me, then he’s just plain old angry for some reason. Someone had to hurt him, set him up and really let him down bad for him to be doing this to me. It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out. I mean, if he wanted a kid that bad, why wait even a week on making a doctor’s appointment? He can’t be that embarrassed about seeing a doctor, so it’s gotta be cuz he’s full of shit, he knows it and knows he can cum.

It’s like, gee thanks. Did he really think I was that gullible, naïve and stupid enough to buy his bull? Obviously. Maybe he figured I would due to having barely any experience with guys.