Journal 104 is done, and that’s got stories in it as well as lyrics. Well, I’ve definitely done enough typing and printing for the day and am getting pretty tired.

I woke up with major gas today and I still have some. I hope it’s not cuz of the milkshakes which are dairy, of course. I really need to lose 6-8 pounds.

I’ve decided that for once and for all I’m gonna trap Tom in his own bullshit. I’m not gonna mention a kid till at least April 1st and I’m gonna do all the little things he says will help him cum. I’ll be fully dressed at all times, I won’t turn the ringer or the fan on too much, and all the other millions of things I need to do that he says he can’t cum cuz of them. My point? To prove he’s full of shit. I’m gonna close in on him, trapping him into a corner with his own shit, and then see what he does. What will his new excuses be then?

Thank God, though, that due to my always being so horny that his tongue has no problem operating cuz he probably won’t screw me till the weekend and there’s no way in hell he will tomorrow. But he’s not a chicken, right? Right!

Now I’m gonna go see if I got any mail on AOL, before eating my chicken pot pie.

Later...

I just asked Tom if I should try quitting smoking now or on New Year’s Day. He said he thinks it’s best to do the things you want to do now, rather than put dates and times on things. Really? Then why hasn’t he done things he said he wanted to do? He said he’s trying. His typical answer.

It’s hard to believe that in just under 4 hours I’ve had only 2 cigarettes, but it’s true. If I’m not doing a good job at quitting, I’m at least doing a good job at stalling them, so far.

Anyway, Tom screwed me earlier and it was great. I don’t feel like a freak, cuz if he wasn’t really close, he did a damn good job at making it look that way. Maybe if he just always acts close, it’ll be OK. It’s when he acts like it’s a chore and he’s not at all into it that makes me feel not too cool about it.

I sang quite a bit today and not too much else. I told myself to do some housecleaning, but I got lazy.

I got a Chanukah card from Bob today. How in the hell can he get ahold of cards in prison? Maybe someone brought them to him or to another inmate and they gave them to him.

Still no call from Kim, so she must be busy. She left me a message while I was drawing up that shirt that she’d be calling Tuesday night, but no call yet. Someone tried calling when we were fucking, so maybe that was her. Whoever it was left no message.

Minnie still hasn’t tried calling back, so who knows what the hell is up with her. Cuz she’s got a kid, who knows when the next time will be that she can call?

After I finish this journal, I’ll have two other blank ones. The cat one Kim sent and the angel one from my parents. I think I’ll do the cat one next. Then, who knows when the next time will be that I type a journal. Watch, though. With my luck as soon as I finish this one, something will happen that’ll take pages to go through and you know how much faster that is to type. I’ll just use the Mystery file for that. I’m only gonna type up my journals in the end anyway. When I’m typing a journal and when I hit a part that’s typed up in the Mystery file, I just zap it on over and copy it in. It doesn’t fuck up documents that are of standard size. Anyway, the reason why I type up stuff when I’ve got lots of stuff to say is cuz that way I’m less likely to forget stuff. My fingers at the keyboard have an easier time keeping up with my thoughts than my fingers do holding a pen.

Later...

I was telling Tom that a part of me wished he would come out and say he was really holding back all this time and the reason why he did was cuz he had plans to cum during a certain time frame, cuz then I’d at least have a little bit of hope. Tom said he knew I wanted that. Well, I don’t want it if it’s true and he’s lying about it and that’s just what he’s doing. Even if he was cumming, it still seems hard to believe I could get pregnant. You’re only fertile 24 hours a month and it’s hard to hit it just right, even if you count. Tom told me last March or so that if it got to be April or May and I wasn’t pregnant, we could count, but that’s just another thing he said that he didn’t mean. I’m still gonna do my experiment to prove all the more that I know he’s full of shit starting New Year’s Day. This way I’ll remember how long it’s been easier.

Last New Year’s Eve, right as the ball was dropping, I knew instantly that I wouldn’t be pregnant in 1995. I wonder if I’ll get a reading on that right before or as the ball drops. If I do, I know what it’ll be. I know I’ll be getting January’s period and February’s and even March’s. At the same time, I can see that I’ll never have a kid, I see more strongly and surely a few months at a time. On New Year’s Eve, I’ll still write whatever I see or feel anyway.

When will the house sell next door? I’m just thoroughly amazed at the fact that it’s been vacant since September 1st. Boy, am I gonna be compensated with sheer hell for all this peace I’ve had over the last 4 months. The for-sale sign’s been gone, but no one’s moved in, so who the hell knows the scoop on the damn thing.

There’s nothing good on TV tonight, so I’m not sure what else I’ll be doing.

I heard something pretty funny on KHITS the other night. A DJ said that it was to be rather cold at night, so people might want to consider bringing their animals inside. Not a chance! This is Phoenix and if there’s one thing I can say that’s better with the dog situation in Massachusetts it’s that most dogs only go out just to go to the bathroom. Not here. Although there are fewer stray dogs here.

At least any dogs I do hear are off in the distance. For now. That won’t be the case whenever the house next door sells.

Wendy called with a computer question, but Tom crashed about 10 minutes before she called. She and I chatted about what we got for Christmas and for Chanukah in my case, too.

I know what I can go do now. Start decorating an envelope for Mary. I told Ma that it was her turn to be surprised with a letter and drawings and Ma said she’d love it.

Later...

What in the hell is going on? I just did Mary and Dave’s letter in the AndLar file and it wouldn’t print. Then, I transferred it to the KimBob file and it still wouldn’t print, so I left Tom a note about it.

Anyway, I did two drawings on the front of Mary and Dave’s envelope and now there are 3 others I’m gonna do on the back of it.