Oh, I am so fucking pissed, depressed and frustrated I could puke!! What is it going to take to change things around here? Well, obviously the answer’s nothing as I’ve been saying for two years now. Over the weekend Tom “forgot” to make time for us to have sex.

Anyway, I felt like shit yesterday and was tight and congested. When he came home he got tensed out cuz I had made a fuss about making a Doctor’s appointment to see if I needed antibiotics and all I was doing was expressing my concern about the money and the time off of work. Tom insisted it was no big deal if I had to go. Today I feel fine, though, so I’m just gonna wait and see. Meanwhile, after this, he asked me what he could do for me. He said he could either go get Piggy’s sawdust to change his cage, whack my back or screw me. I told him, as he was taking the trash out, that I’d like my back whacked, then for us to screw.

Till this time I had been fully dressed as that’s one of the many things he added to his list of stuff that may help him. Then, knowing he’d be coming into bed with me, I got naked and jumped into bed. Then he returned saying he was gonna go out and move stuff around in the garage to release steam and clear his mind. That’s when I said - fuck this shit! He said he’d take care of me, but now he has to go to the garage and do work. He has to unwind and “psych” himself up to be with me and make me feel like I’m a chore in bed. I just don’t have it naturally? He can’t release his steam by screwing? That’s physical. Then he tells me that sex is a mental thing with him and that the physical part to him is pretty much nothing. Oh. I should’ve known better. If I’ve said this a thousand times and didn’t mean it; I’m saying it once now and meaning it completely. Our sex life is over! Two years of this shit has finally taken its toll on me, this was the final straw and I’ve had it! I’ve absolutely had it! I’m so fucking sick and tired of this man’s fucking bullshit and sexual weirdness and sexual games! I will not allow myself to put up with it ever again! No more! Who the hell am I to not respect myself enough to say no to it and who the hell is he to play with my head sexually, make me feel like the sexual misfit he is and lie to me about having a kid?! Well, I won’t stand for it anymore. If I haven’t got it sexually as far as he’s concerned, then I never will. It’s been two fucking years now and I’m not gonna play games and live fairytales with someone I’m not sexually compatible with and who’s not sexually compatible with me. The thought of him touching me makes me want to puke and totally turns me off more than it ever has before in my life.

I don’t want to leave him and I still love him, but I’d be lying if I said that if a gorgeous woman hit on me I’d say no. Oh, how I wish we could just keep the relationship part of it and have him see other women for sex and me see women for sex, but as I know damn good and well, I’m attracted to straight women. Gay women never have and never will cut it for me and if they ever have, they’re not interested in me or are taken. I asked him again if he was gay and he still swears he isn’t, but what the fuck am I supposed to think? If it isn’t fear of making a kid and if it isn’t me, then what the fuck is it?! The guy will never change and I’ll no longer be a sucker and set myself up to fall. And to be manipulated, lied to and played with. Why? Why is he doing this to me?! Can I ever be good enough for this man? I’ll tell you one thing for sure; I’m fucking sick and tired of others lying to me about and interfering with my dreams and goals. I wanted to be a singer and Scott and others took that away from me. I wanted a kid and Tom’s taken that dream away from me. I can continue on and on with countless people who took things from me and who got in the way of my dreams and goals, but that’d take 20 journals up.

Then he goes on to say that it wasn’t my fault, he accepts me for the way I am and he shouldn’t have gotten upset about the doctor’s appointment. Oh, like this would make me feel any more comfortable with the idea of being pregnant and having all the appointments it’d take for that. I’ve come to realize that he’s weaker and more scared than I am. He could never deal with these appointments let alone the rest of it any more than I could.

Then he says that I forgot something that he told me would help him and that I could take or leave. He said I wasn’t dressed. I reminded him that yes I was dressed till I got into bed thinking he was gonna join me after he put the trash out.

Then he goes, “But I remember you lifting up your shirt.”

I said, “So, I can’t even flash you?”

He then said it’d be best if I were dressed all the time that we were around each other unless in bed. Fuck this asshole. He never seemed to mind in the past when I’d flash him. I can’t even flash my own husband, he doesn’t like lingerie, in bed he can’t see me cuz it’s dark, so he either doesn’t like my body or he doesn’t like women.

Then what was I in for? A new thing that may help him. He said he can’t get into sex with me cuz he can’t initiate it in the way he’d like to and I guess that’s less verbal. He said most couples can communicate without words and just know when the other one wants to screw. Perhaps I can tell at times when he isn’t in the mood, but since when did he ever think I was that psychic? So, I asked him, “If I thought you were in the mood, what do I do? Go up and lead you to the bed?” He said that isn’t how it works. Well, then how does it work? Most couples seem to have no problem. Then he tells me that most people start off by screwing and that since we couldn’t, he associates sex with me as oral sex and not that. That makes a lot of sense. Yeah, right! How the hell can he tell me he looks forward and wants to move forward when he’s looking in the past? He can’t get into me cuz we didn’t start off by screwing? He can’t get into me cuz I can’t always read his mind? What the fuck is it with this guy? When is it ever gonna end? Didn’t I tell you there’d always be new things that needed to be done to help him sexually? Well, as I said, if I haven’t managed to fulfill him sexually yet, I never will and he doesn’t want me to.

I asked him why it takes so long to tell me these new things that he claims will help him and why he’s always got a problem or an excuse. He says the excuses are all in my head. They are? Could’ve fooled me. Then he says that sometimes he doesn’t always realize what I could do to help him.

Oh. Right.

I told him last night that I’d no longer tolerate his games and lies and that in order to bring peace into this house and end the constant confusion and arguing, sex was over. Right away he said he disagreed that that’d help us and that he isn’t giving up. Well, if he’s gonna continue living a lie and playing games and isn’t giving up, then he’s gonna be fucking me in his mind, cuz I ain’t touching him and he ain’t touching me for real. Of course, he’ll try to immediately talk me into having sex again and not giving up. If I give up, he can’t play his game. Well, for once I’m thinking of myself and am gonna do for me. Yes, that includes asking the doctor about that injection whenever I do see him. It’s time to take care of my needs. Not his needs which are bullshit excuses to escape the truth.