Tom is still very sore, so he says. Sorer than he’s ever been before. At least I got him to go down on me, then we worked side by side on the computers together for a while.

I forgot to mention how Bob said he used to go to topless bottomless bars for a while. Couldn’t he have just said nude?

Kim was supposed to call to talk to Tom about this new business she’s in, but she called a half-hour later than she was supposed to and he conked out. It’s some kind of thing with a telephone company where you don’t have to put out lots of money, know lots of people or have a car. She’s gonna call some other time and send us tapes and brochures on it. She says she can’t believe how promising it is and that she feels like she’s living a dream. She says she knows two other nurses that did it and they quit nursing to do this cuz it was such good money.

Last night Andy decided to call Karson while we were talking. She’s back in Mesa and was totally boring. She wasn’t frantic with us at all. We told her we’d call her every few months or so. I don’t know if she’s called Andy, but she hasn’t called me and I’m grateful for that.

Minnie left a message today. I didn’t think I’d ever hear from her again since she never wrote me back and the times between our calls and letters get bigger and bigger each time. She’s got a kid, though, so I understand.

Later...

Got a few funny things to mention, but first, Tom said they took their for-sale sign down next door and that it can mean a few things. That they either decided to switch Realtors, decided to rent it or put a foreclosure on it so the bank claims it. He says that after a house sells they usually keep the sold sign up for 30 days to show off how well they sell houses. He also could’ve decided to sell it himself as some houses are for sale by owner. I think the bank claimed it and he stopped all payments on it. I sure hope it isn’t sold even though I wouldn’t be surprised if it was. Would God really spare me that many more months of peace? I can’t believe he’s already given me peace and quiet since September 1st.

Yesterday and tonight I was a little bummed with PMS and PMS brings out reality. Why didn’t I do the right thing? Why did I go and agree to wanting a family and wanting to do whatever to allow it to happen when he’s only gonna keep playing me for a fool? Why didn’t I say I wanted one but knew better and therefore I wanted nothing to do with it and check out those injections? Why do I set myself up to be lied to and played with? You would think I’d have more respect for myself by now. I’m stupid. I know nothing’s changed here and it never will.

Yesterday Tom told me he’s decided he likes me better fully dressed cuz it makes the times I’m naked more special that way.

Right! None of the other things he suggested and that I tried worked, so why should I believe this one? He’s so full of shit! I just can’t understand why he can’t come out and tell me the truth. Isn’t he getting sick and bored with this game? Or is he still so into it that much? What a way to get your kicks, huh?

I still wish I knew what I did to him to deserve this. He says how much he loves me and that I’m a wonderful wife, so why? Why?! How can someone who’d hang naked in public from a tree by their ankles for me, walk through fire, walk on a bed of nails, and cut their hands off for me be so cruel and mean to me?

Minnie left me another message today but she called before I got up.

I also spoke to Karson today. I figured what the hell? She isn’t exactly another Fran Paiva in that sense, just weird. So, I read her the letter I got from Bob with the changes I made to it and she was laughing about it. Andy and I may call her later.

Tom looked up Excel on the computer and we found stuff about the company. He says it looks good and wants me to go for it. Kim’s gonna be sending me info on it. Right now I don’t know that much about it to write about it, but when and if I do, I will.

Maybe this was sent to me by God as a trade for the baby? Or to keep my mind off of it more? It seems reasonable to think his message behind this is saying he wants me to work, not be a mother. There’s no way he’ll ever allow me a child any more than Tom would. I know, though, that no matter how much I want a kid and no matter how much Tom’s games piss me off, a child would be the worst thing for me. I really do believe that yes, I would be a bad mom and there’s no way I could handle it. Both my mind and body could never handle it. It would just ruin my body, make me insane, steal my life, and ruin my marriage. Although he promises to go to a doctor in April of ‘97, he still insists that a fertility doctor is all in my head and that we’re not gonna need to go. Then he better plan on cumming or doing something else to really convince me that we shouldn’t bother going.