I just had an attack I had to get under control. I became very tight, and wheezy and was hacking my brains out, so I laid in bed and drank coffee, then Tom awoke and whacked my back. I’ve really got to put way more effort into smoking outside.

I may type my next journal with a deader ribbon. I used a new one for 100 and a lot of the pages bleed through.

Thank you, Tom. He suggested I take ibuprofen to reduce my obviously inflamed lower right wisdom tooth and that sure helped.

Then, earlier I dewaxed my good (right) ear. There was a lot of wax in there and Tom said that could be mistaken for tooth problems. I guess he was right cuz it’s virtually painless.

Later...

Tom’s watching TV now, no doubt putting off our “child talk” as long as he can to keep my nerves flying. He knows that waiting to have discussions on a personal matter makes me nervous.

We sold that guy that computer thing for $20.

Andy called and his car is fixed, but he’s not sure if he can make it tonight. He said he’d call me later.

Later...

We had our talk which I’m happy to say went well. OK, now I’ll discuss what we discussed which really wasn’t much at all. I was right on my first guess. He wants to keep the game going. He said he wanted to have a family with me and before discussing the hows of it, all he wanted to know was my feelings on the situation and how much of a family I wanted. I told him my feelings were still the same and that I wanted it, but felt that was just a fantasy and feared my past, the ADD, asthma and all the other things that go with having a kid. He said that lots of people have kids with ADD, asthma and bad pasts and they work around it and don’t let it stop them. I suppose this is true, but like a fool, I followed my heart and not my head and agreed to have one kid with him. I know he’s full of shit still, but I wonder just why he really did want to talk about the pros and cons of having one kid or more than one? Well, I’m 30 and it’s soon to be 1996, but I still say that until I see any white stuff, it’s all a joke. The only negative that I can see to having one kid, which may not be a factor, is it wishing for a sister or a brother. However, I see one as enough to afford, don’t need to put my body through more than one set of labor and delivery which would be a miracle if I survived just that, despite needing a C-section, and don’t need to deal with them fighting with each other.

He wants one too, but brought up some interesting points about having more than one. He feels that two kids end up costing less cuz you know you’re gonna buy things for the younger ones to eventually use and you tend to buy stuff of more quality that lasts longer, rather than cheaper stuff. He also says he thinks they can learn to interact with people in ways that they can’t with friends. Also, it’s easier to say no to two kids than one kid when it comes to certain things.

This conversation still strikes me as weird. He’s known I’ve always said I only wanted one kid and he agreed, so I wonder if he’s got some plan with my being 30 and with it being 1996 soon, but I sure as hell wouldn’t count on nothing without seeing you know what. He even did say he’s not making any promises, but that April of ‘97 is still on, even though he’s sure in his mind and opinion that we won’t need a Dr. Well, we’ll see. I think we both deserve a break in this situation, so maybe, just maybe, something new will happen.

He discussed with me the importance of our angles which helps us both. What I mean by this is that if our angle is off when he’s inside me, it doesn’t feel as good to him and then I get this uncomfortable pressure feeling. Now that we know I can do doggie style laying down where our bodies are lined up where our heads and feet are together, we’ll see. This is his easiest and favorite position. I may have to start off sideways for a while, then roll my body around to put the angle where it’s lined up, but maybe this will be the answer after all. I just hate to once again, after all this time, have anything to get my hopes up for nothing. I might have to get off first by him going down on me or by us being sideways, but he’s right when he said to just wait and experiment with it before assuming what I’ll have to do. Despite my doubts, I’m glad we had this talk and I do feel better. I love this man so much and all I want is for us to be happy. I really hope he’s being as honest as he’s always insisted he’s been and that things get better. I hope things will be happening in our favor, then who knows? It may motivate us in all kinds of areas.