Today I’m starting my diet. I was gonna wait till the first of the year, but I have Slim-Fast here and already started back up with the exercising two days ago. I’ve never been more determined and anxious to get back into shape than now. I really feel that I look the worst I’ve ever been since 1988. Maybe I’m not as big in certain ways, but I feel like I’ve turned to nothing but flab. My upper body muscles still aren’t too bad, but my lower stomach and legs look terrible. My lower gut looks either 4 months pregnant or like I dropped a kid a year ago.

I just talked to Tammy who says she’s going to the post office tomorrow to mail out a present to us. She said it was delayed cuz the snow delayed the postal services there. Yeah, I believe that one for sure.

Last night, if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear I was due for my period within a day or so. I was so bloated, my tits are sore and I was rather depressed again.

I made a deal last night with Tom which neither of us spoke of bluntly, but it was the kind of thing where we didn’t need to and that we both understood.

First, though, I got two confessions out of him the other day. I commented, “Cuz my pussy’s small, so if you came it’d leak out of me.”

He said, “That’s right,” going to prove once again that I was right about the fact that he never did cum last winter.

Yesterday I said he makes all the major decisions and more and he said, “Yup. Somebody’s got to make them.” Now I don’t know if he was trying to turn that one into a joke, but I’m not stupid. He did make major decisions and more. He decided we won’t be having a kid and he decided to never look for information on Robin, even though he said differently.

I told him the other day that by the time he did look for Robin if he ever did, she really would be dead for sure if there’s a slight chance at all that she’s alive.

Anyway, our deal was basically that he forbids me to have a child and whatever else. Meanwhile, he takes care of me. If I don’t ever want to work, I don’t. I can stay home and bum around and do my hobbies and he provides me with a home, medical insurance, food, cigarettes, journals, etc.

He got a raise and now he’s at $8.40 an hour and won’t get another raise until October. This isn’t enough for us and he says he’s gonna look for a new job to replace this one. I know him, though. He’ll take forever to look for that new job. I know it won’t be easy for him due to his working weekdays, but if I can’t have a kid, I want money!

I agree with him when he said I may say mean things to the child, but I don’t agree with him when he says I can still have a kid with asthma, sleep schedule and ADD. However, this has all got me thinking if I really want to have a child with him for other reasons that are ruining our marriage in general or stealing our time, lives, money and sanity. If he can make false promises to me, then he can do so to a kid. If he won’t put shit back in place, why would the kid? Not only do I have to think if I’d be a good mother, but if he’d be a good father. Overall, I believe he’d be a better father than most, but there are still faults he has as well as I have cuz no one’s perfect. Well, I’ll never have to worry about either of us doing wrong to a child we’ll never have.

I still feel that yes, I’m doing better at accepting never having a kid, looking at the bright side of not having a kid, etc., but I wonder how much longer will this go on before I’m completely over it. Will every single journal that I write for the rest of my life be filled with me wanting a kid here and there, but bitching about how I can’t cuz he’s lied and is playing with my head and how I’m angry at him and God, etc.?

Later...

Ma told me an interesting story when we were sitting out in Mary’s backyard yesterday. A guy killed his wife 2 houses down and buried her in the backyard. Then a pool was built over it. The murderer had kids as they all seem to. A daughter who was 5 at the time it happened ratted on Daddy over 20 years later. They dug up the area and found the body, then Daddy actually got sent to jail for life.

I’m getting hungry, so I better go make me a shake.

Later...

I look around me and I wonder just how it is that I could feel so cheated by God and Tom. Look at all the wonderful things I’m blessed with and all the freedom I have. I can do what I want when I want for the most part. I really do believe that most women would kill to be in my shoes. I know my sister would.

Anyway, as I figured, Alex hasn’t been able to find anything out about Robin. I’m sure he wishes he could, but he doesn’t have the knowledge of computers that Tom has. He has way, way more than me, but still not enough to get any significant information, I don’t think, but we’ll just have to wait and see.

I wonder if Tom has any book about AOL and CompuServe that may explain a little more about how it works. I feel like when I go in there (other than to get my mail or check the weather) that I’m stumbling around blind.

No sex for me till the weekend, although Tom says that’s not necessarily so. He’s due for his “tired” streak. Either that or he won’t have time or feel well enough. Maybe I can get oral sex, but he probably won’t stick it in there and he definitely won’t on Thursday. That’s when I’m mid-cycle. He knows cuz I wrote it on the calendar to help remind myself to start taking my vitamin E at that time.

I’m trying for another CD from Time-Life cuz there are some oldies on it I like. It’s from 1961, but if they mess up for the third time, then they have really got to be stupid. Really stupid!

Last night I finally finished reading all of Bob’s fantasy letters to Kim and boy, was there some really gross, yet ridiculously funny shit in there. There was this part where he says Kim dug her nails into Bob’s ass so hard that he bled and she ripped her nails off. Then she went and took a pair of tweezers to pick her nails out of Bob’s ass.

Sick!

Then he has this girl added to their little get-togethers and her pussy bleeds from so much sex.

Gross!

I guess he’s got a real fetish for blood, pee, puke, and passing out. There’s this part where he fantasizes that he and she have this house and while they’re out in the backyard she pisses, then does the same thing in bed. Another gross thing is how he puts fish halfway inside her and how they wiggle around while half stuck in there. Disgusting! Their other female friend did something amazing. Bob stuck a fish in her while she was asleep, filmed it, then she woke up and came instantly, popping the fish out a good 8 inches or so.

Yuck!