I’ve been very angry and depressed tonight. I know most of it’s due to my period and periods do play on your emotions. I’m sure I’ll feel much happier and carefree in a day or two for a couple of weeks unless reality hits me anytime in between then.

Before I get to my good news, let me bitch some more. Yes, I know bitching ain’t gonna change things and no matter what I say or do and no matter what my beliefs or attitude is, I can’t have what I want, but bitching helps to a degree. I still say the same old thing, I know, but still, what is it with Tom? What is it with God? Why are they doing this to me? Does God have some other reason for not allowing me a child that I don’t know about? Why is he so unfair? Why again, must he give plenty of 15-year-old kids, but not this 30-year-old? What did I do? Is it cuz I slept with women? Is it cuz I tried taking my life years ago? Just what is it? Is it cuz it would kill me for sure? Can I not be able to handle it for sure? Would it cause me to lose Tom? What is it? Am I just plain old not good enough? If I’m not good enough, then why are those on drugs who beat or molest or kill their children good enough?

Nothing I’ve done will get Tom to cum, so will he ever tell me he doesn’t really want a child or will he ever really go to the doctor with me in ‘97? He says that in his mind a doctor in ‘97 doesn’t exist. What’s he gonna have on his mind when ‘97 comes? How is he gonna admit we need a doctor if he doesn’t admit he doesn’t want one? How will he accept this? How can he believe something’s possible when it hasn’t been shown to be possible for two years unless he really is hiding something? How can I ignore what my gut tells me about him and those that say to follow your gut cuz they say your gut instinct is pretty accurate?

How can I ever bring myself to pray to a God that’s so unfair? That lets murderers go free and home to the kids that they can have. How will I ever get over not having a kid like I have with never having the ideal woman? How much longer will it take? I’m getting better, but it still seems like somewhat of a slow process that’s gonna take forever.

Is this possible business opportunity with Excel a sign that I’m meant to be a career woman and not a mother? Why must there always be some impossible dream that I dream of? Why must I always want stuff I can’t have? Why can’t I just accept and be happy with the way things are? Why can’t I be one of those who wouldn’t want to change a thing about their lives? Why must I always have some freakish abnormal situation going on with me or someone I’m closely connected with? Why can’t I just have a normal sex life? Why is that my sex life seems cursed? First it’s not getting anyone I’m attracted to and now this. Why? Dear God, why can’t you just let my sex life be normal and complete? Why won’t you help us? Is it that Tom doesn’t want to be helped cuz he doesn’t want a kid? But you’ve given countless people children who didn’t want them, so why? Why not us?

I know that if I never said a word about a kid to Tom, quit smoking, and all kinds of other wonderful things he still will never allow us a child. Why won’t he say what’s truly on his mind? Even though it’d hurt like hell, at least that would help to finalize it.

I used to wonder if my being blessed with gifts and abilities is why I’ve been compensated for not being able to have a child, but now I don’t know. Not when I see people like Gloria who have it all. Fame, fortune, love, and two kids.

Where did I go wrong in this matter? What did I do wrong? Is there really anything I can do to fix this situation? Am I really being selfish and spoiled by asking for a child?

Tom knows I’ll be mid-cycle on the 28th and I can guarantee you he’ll be exhausted or busy that day or will just lick my pussy only. Why? He should know that I can’t get pregnant if he won’t cum.

OK, enough bitching about a situation that’ll never change.

My parents sent us a package today with Tom’s presents wrapped in Christmas paper and mine wrapped in Chanukah paper.

He got a sweatshirt with flags of all 50 states and an NBA T-shirt. Also 3 round dials on a wooden plaque for reading the temperature, the barometer, and the humidity. This, he really loved. He loves these kinds of things, he said.

I got a really nice denim skirt and two half-shirts that are totally me. One’s pink and one’s bright green. Boy, have they improved when it comes to buying clothes for me! Believe it or not, the skirt is actually a bit big on me, but it won’t be after I wash it. I like these kinds of outfits as well as really sexy or slutty outfits, cuz it’s casual and comfy, yet feminine.

I got a curling iron that’s smaller for making smaller curls. I wondered why they sent that to me when I have naturally curly hair, but I had fun with it anyway. I had my hair straightened, then I just curled the ends. After I washed and straightened it, I curled the whole thing which took over an hour. I couldn’t roll the whole length of the piece of hair as it’s way too long. Instead, I curled what I could, then kept working up the piece of hair. So, I rolled each piece of hair about 6 different times. It’s only a little curlier than my own hair. It looks more like it did when I was 24 when it was only to my bra strap as the shorter my hair, the curlier. This long, though, the weight of the length pulls it out a bit, cuz it covers all of my back (not quite all of my butt yet, though!). While I watch TV, I try to snip off split ends one at a time, so as not to have to hack off the 8 or so inches it’d need to salvage it and that’d put it all the way up to my middle back.

Got a bird feeder similar to one they sent me last year. It’s small and made for small birds, but I’ll bet the pigeons will be stupid enough to try to stand on it.

Got a hand-held mirror with plastic brush bristles on the back of it. It’s got a floral fabric edged with lace around it and Tom said it looks like something his Mom would make. True. I also got a matching picture frame and there was a picture of Dad in it in their store.

They sent about 12 pictures of their store. They sure have lots of flags. Speaking of flags, they sent that musical one I said I loved.

They sent me a purple and blue drink cooler. The kind you can take to the pool or on a bike.

Three turtles on top of each other made out of shells. An alligator pin, necklace, and earrings. Two needlepoint things. One of a musical note and one of a southwestern design.

Finally, pastels for drawing on shirts. I loved these as they look like crayons and it looks like they’ll be easier to use than the markers. I think I’ll do different flower drawings, cuz thanks to Mom and Dad’s flag catalogs, my flower drawings have improved.

We also got holiday cards from Mary and David and Mom and Dad S. thanking us for all we’ve done for them and for us being there. I also got a birthday card from Kim and a letter from her as well as two Bob letters she enclosed.

Got letters from Jenny and Bob.