April 1st is no doubt going to be a day full of depression and anger, no matter how much I try not to let it be, thanks to my husband. Of course, that'll be a great day for him. I'll just have to try to remember not to give him the reaction he expects and wants. It'll be hard, though, as I'm filled with so much anger toward this little twerp who so casually lied to me about something that meant a lot to me and that's something he doesn't want to hear about, just to cheer me up. Sometimes I find myself just literally wanting to beat the shit out of him and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if I did do just that one of these days.

I should start calling him mom. But it wasn't just my mother who promised me things she never delivered or who made sure I didn't get things I really wanted, it's been lots of people. The only thing that's different about Tom is all the wonderfully loving things he's done for me. Other than that, he's just like all the others.

I really firmly believe that God had two basic rules for my life that he placed upon me when I was born. 1. To make sure I always get second best. 2. To curse me with one ongoing sexual problem after another.

The thing about the sexual problems, though, is that I got over being too tight, and not getting someone I was attracted to, but I'll never get over Tom getting over his not cumming routine. If a miracle happened and Tom decided he wanted to cum and have a kid, would he even be able to? After being so set in his ways for so long, could he even cum? His body is able to do the same thing with my hand doing him as he does when he's inside me. When I jerk him by hand, his body tenses in the same kind of way that he does when he's inside me when he gets rock hard and just about to cum. This tensing brings it down. Every time he's about to cum he does this.

I know most men aren't into kids and I wonder how many others are out there that are so against and terrified of a kid in a way, that they too, do this with their bodies, flexing and tensing their muscles in certain ways to prevent themselves from cumming just as they're about to. How many others are willing to sacrifice orgasms with their wives/girlfriends just to get out of having kids?

Somehow, I just know in my heart and mind that Tom would rather be hit by a car and in a wheelchair for the rest of his life than see us have a kid. He has not one violent bone in his body, but would he go so far as to hurt me, if that meant preventing a kid?

Imagine if one of his sperms could really get away and get me pregnant, then imagine the pain, the depression, the fear, the burden, and the agony he'd go through while putting on the straightest happiest face he could. Would he leave us? No, I don't think so. It means too much to him to never let me know that I'm right about his not wanting a kid and he's very arrogant and stubborn in that way and determined to never tell me the truth to my face. He'll lie for the rest of his life about it if he has to, rather than look me in the eye, break down and tell me the truth and risk whatever he'd have coming to him, even though he's a really bad liar. About the worst I've ever known, besides Nervous. Well, not quite as bad as Nervous. Tom wouldn't go so far as to tell me they don't have apartments in Florida if he were jealous that I'd possibly move there. He's close enough, though, and he admitted to me just the other day that while I might not mind being wrong, he does. He'd never admit I was right about him and he was wrong for doing such a cruel and raunchy thing to me.

I'm sending out Mom and Dad's letter today (Borrelli) with drawings I did on the envelope. I did a bird, a rose, and cactuses on the front and Snoopy against a palm tree with flowers on the sides of him on the back. I think I'll also take a chance and give them a call sometime, but I'll wait till after they've had a chance to get and read this letter.

Kim said in her letter that she'd send a pre-paid video mailer so I can mail her back her tape of Excel. That'd be helpful. She also said she's resigning from Baystate in a week after being there for 5 years. She's really doing well with Excel.

Hopefully, Tom will pick up 25 of those 1¢ stamps so I can use them for these postcards that we had for centuries.

As for the sound bytes, I got in all the ones I wanted and it's so cool. The only drawback to it is that it slows everything down, but the computer's already slow enough, so it doesn't really matter and it's worth it.

Tom's got another cold, not surprisingly, but we managed to have sex both days this weekend after he foolishly kept clear the hell away from me when I was mid-cycle. Now, though, there won't be any fun till next weekend. Maybe we'll do it once if I get lucky. 

Tom was reminding me that a woman doesn't hit her sexual peak until her late 30s. Oh, God! How much hornier can I be? What am I gonna do then? I'm horny enough. He said we'll just have to have more sex. Yeah, right! He can't even keep up with me now!

Another reason why I know that Tom's not cumming is self-induced is cuz he never seems upset or bothered by it. I'd think that most people with a genuine problem would be upset over it and want to get help, regardless of some embarrassment they might feel. Tom, though, is smart enough to know that a doctor wouldn't laugh at him and that that's what they do; help people. He does strike me as the type, though, to be embarrassed by it, even though there's no problem and it's his choice to not cum. I don't see how the hell he'll be able to go to a doctor next year, look them in the eye, and lie about not being able to cum. Like I said, though, whether or not we do go see someone, no one can help him unless he decided he wants to cum and have a kid. He's gonna beat the appointment. He'll either find a way out of it or make sure they fail at helping him. I know him. I'm gonna say something to him like, "They can't help you unless you help yourself and you want the help and you want the kid and the complete sex."

Then he'll say, "You're right. The appointment's gonna ruin me forever no doubt, cuz I know we can have a family on our own with no problem, therefore, you're probably right about their not being able to help me cuz I know we don't have a problem here." Then, he'll casually put the guilt on me and make me not want to go to the doctor which he'll hope for. Meaning, these are all emotions he'll want and hope to drive into me.

How can he admit he does have a problem, but say there's no problem at the same time? He does. He says he does have a problem and he's not trying to blame me which is bullshit, then turns around and says there's no problem and that we can have a family without any help.

Weird. Real fucking weird.

When you go to these kinds of doctors, they usually meet with the couple together, then individually and this is exactly what they'll say to him and me if we go.

To him: Well, from our observations, I don't think you really want a kid and that you're just telling your wife this cuz maybe you fear she'll leave you if you tell her the truth. But you've got to be honest with yourself and with your wife. What you're doing is only going to hurt your wife and possibly your marriage. You've got to be honest with both you and her, even if it's not what she wants to hear. I really think she needs to hear the truth and don't you want to get the truth out so you can then maybe talk about birth control so you can have an orgasm without feeling threatened?

To me: I hate to say this, but I really don't think your husband is at all interested in having a child. I think he's gonna fight you on it if he doesn't tell you the truth, and that as long as you're willing to remain with him, you'll never have a child. So, you need to either accept not having a baby or think about if you want to remain married to this guy.

To us: I've spoken with you both together and separately and here's the opinion and ideas I've gathered. First of all, I hope I'm wrong and that it works out for you both, but I don't think Tom here, really wants a child. If this is true, Tom, you need to get this out with your wife and also decide whether or not you want to continue to be with her. Perhaps a woman who doesn't desire a kid is right for you. And you Jodi, have to decide whether or not you're willing to remain with Tom if this is the case or if you should find someone who shares your desire to have a child. Other than this, I don't know if I can help you two.

Andy's gonna be coming over either Wednesday or Thursday to take me to his house. First, though, he's gonna buy me new markers, then I'm gonna do wall art for him.

As for one of the wonderful things Tom does, where you wouldn't know his dark side, he picked up that John Saul book for me, and it's great so far. I've already read 3 chapters.

Yesterday the birds got really close to me. I was sitting on the chair and I'd drop food straight down and they nudged under my foot and stayed there for several seconds as they ate the food that was directly under my dangling feet.

Well, I'm gonna go read some more, then watch Twin Peaks.

Later...

We now have 10 daisies coming up that my parents had sent many months ago.

They still only seem to be next door about once or twice a week. It's really weird, but I know I'd better enjoy it while I can. Once they get moved in, I know I'll hear some kind of noise from over there on a daily basis. Although, Robin, who spoke to me for the first time in a while as I was falling asleep yesterday, told me once again that I had nothing to worry about. I hope to hell she's right. I could've sworn she also mentioned something about my time coming soon to have a baby. Yeah, right! Now I've got her and Tom bullshitting me. Just what I need.

I just fed the birds who step on my feet now to get to the food I throw down around where I sit. Amazingly they haven't shit on my chair yet. They've shit everywhere else. If they do, though, I'll just flip the cushion over. That way I can flip it back down and not have to worry about sitting in shit.

In the last book I read, a guy had a pigeon coop and was telling his pal how loyal they are, and once they love you, they always do and they're always faithful about coming back to you. Yeah, I think these things would be nearly impossible to get rid of. I'd have to not feed them for a very long time.

They seem to have their favorite resting places. Some like to sit by the door and others like to sit on the roof and elsewhere. One likes to sit on the garbage can and one likes the table. Some like the AC and the swing and the old hot water tank, too. This bird really digs sitting on the garbage can. He was just laying down on it and he's so cute.

My chicken pigeon seems to come mostly in the mornings and then at the end of the day. I call him that cuz he's my only brown one and Tom wondered if he was supposed to be a chicken or if he could be part chicken.

For the last few days, I've been hearing a rooster somewhere off in the distance. I know it's way off in the distance cuz I can barely hear it, whereas if it were close by, it'd be as obnoxious as those dogs can be. Again, I wonder how the people that own the rooster can sleep, as well as their neighbors. I like hearing it, though, cuz it's different and you can't hear it in the house. 

Later...

Wow. The pigeons just came within a half-inch of my hand. As I opened their container of food, a few jumped up on the edge of the table that it's on right by my hand.

I promised my mother-in-law a picture of Piggy to add to her collection of the family animals. I took a picture of Piggy since we got film, but she got the birds too, as a bonus. Piggy sits on my lap or on the ground surrounded by the birds and it doesn't seem to faze him at all.

Later...

God, every time I write, the pigeons have done something new. There's this wounded pigeon that looks like it may have been attacked by a cat or something and it limps really bad and has a broken toe. Well, it actually let me pat it! So did one other bird. It's been staying wedged in between the hose and the block wall for quite a while now.

I just talked to my mother who says that she and Dad have something nice to say to Tom and me and will be calling us tomorrow night at 6:00 our time. So now I have to stay up as long as I can to be awake for that and for going over to Andy's sometime this week. 

What the hell do my parents have to say to us that's so nice? It must have something to do with money or them coming here or them arranging for us to go there or to New England.