Tammy replied to the message saying that she felt the same way I do and that she thoroughly understands. 

I left Andy a message about it too, and he said I'm never a burden to him and that he wished he was there to have taken my call when I left that message. He's kind of in a similar situation, even though he's had family members come out to see him and he's been home about 4 times since he's lived here. He offered to write them a letter and I thanked him very much for that generous offer, but it's not gonna change a thing.

He gave me the number for that line where you can meet people and what happened was a definite act of God when I called, and similar shit used to happen to me in the past before I met Tom. I called the number, then it said to punch in a password to establish my own mailbox. Passwords must be 5 digits long. No problem, so I thought till the thing kept telling me that I was only punching in 2 or 3 or 4 digits and that I must punch in 5. I swear I really did punch in 5 digits and followed instructions properly. Now is that telling you something, or what? No women for me and certainly no kid for me. They're both just the same old forbidden things that'll never change in my life.

Tom and I are wondering if I have the power to heal. Or at least can develop it. Last night I tried to use my mind power to make his stuffiness better and it worked. I asked him if he thought I could influence the speed of my hair growth or our sex lives with my mind and he said it was possible. Not the sexual part, though, that's for sure. Not with his tremendous fear of having a kid. Any red-blooded man that can hold off cumming with his woman for over two years has to be really fucking scared. His fear is way more powerful than my mind-power could ever be as far as that goes. I could never beat him. I've tried all kinds of things to trick, manipulate, encourage, and whatever else to get him to keep his word on us having a kid. There's no fucking way. And, of course, no one can bully or make God budge on something he's against. I'm stuck. It's totally useless and hopeless. I'll never have the power and control to get Tom to let me have a kid, let alone God. I'll just have to keep on trying my best to tell myself to stop crying about what I can't have and enjoy what I do have. It's sooo hard, though! It's so much easier said than done. I just can't ever have a kid, I must keep reminding myself. And try to accept that I don't have to go back to a place like Valleyhead which is worse than never having a kid. All I have to do is never have a kid. I don't have to live with my parents. I don't have to be in Valleyhead or Vermont. I just have to never have a kid. That's all I need to accept. And this is only one block of my life that I know will end. Meaning, yes, there's always one weird, abnormal, or depressing issue after another in my life, cuz that's just how God wants it for me. But eventually, this sadness over never having a kid is gonna end and be replaced with a whole new issue, besides the never-ending issues that already exist like my schedule problem, the cigarettes, etc. 

I keep feeling that there's other stuff I wanted to write about, but cannot think of them right now. I will say this, though. Tom went down on me a couple of hours ago. Finally! It sure felt as if it'd been years and I hope I don't have to wait for too many more for the next time he either goes down on me or screws me. He may not want to fully participate in sex and I can't change that, but I at least don't like or want to be deprived of my fun. I also long for more closeness as sometimes it feels like there are just not enough hours in a day. I love it when we lay down together and just chat.

Tammy and Tom chatted a bit earlier as did Bill and Tom. They were given a new printer and she was having trouble getting the thing to print in color. I guess it just wasn't compatible with the new computer she's got.

Note from Tom:

Dec. 31, 1995

Dear Jodi Lin,

I am 100% sure that we will have no problem starting a family. If you are not a mother, or at least pregnant, by April 1997 I promise that we will go to all the Doctors that can help us.

Love, Tom

Later...

So, I finally pass the page with Tom's bullshit message, huh?

Someone's next door now. A man in his 50s or 60s with a regular old grandma or grandpa kind of car in the carport. I've seen the guy before sitting in his car in the driveway. I wonder who he is and why he's here at this hour. Maybe it's just a Realtor or a city worker of some kind over next door. I just heard some hammering. Tom's lucky he's not sleeping in his old room with no fan, but it's nothing like the time Tweak Daddy was hammering a few months before they moved out. I can't hear it inside the house at all, but you could hear Tweak Daddy all through Phoenix.