I wish we could afford to get the tapes and videos I saw advertised on TV about attacking anxiety. It cost $300, but it looks like it may be pretty effective, and it had several different things that it's supposed to help you with. Like obsessive and scary thoughts and all kinds of things. They say that no matter what's going on in your life, you can be a happy, positive person. So, even though my husband's telling me one of the worst lies you can tell a woman, it'll help me to deal with it and accept it while being happy at the same time? I wish!

I am so fucking pissed off and frustrated with this man. I'm so sick of him denying things he did say and using shit in life as an excuse to lie to me and to get out of shit he swore he'd do.

He told me to do what I want as far as meeting other women. Now he says he's hurt by it but I know it's only an excuse to seize as an opportunity to get out of cumming. He says he wants to think about the bet for a week. If he really wanted to cum and have a kid, why does he need a week to think about anything? He then had the nerve to tell me that he didn't say to do what I wanted as far as other women go, he said that he said I'd do what I wanted to do anyway.

Again, he drops hints about the fact that I'm right and that my gut instinct really is trustworthy, then when he realizes I caught him, he covers it up by insisting that I either misunderstood him or that he didn't say whatever it was he said. If he can't fix it, he denies saying it. He tells me I'm smart, but I can't believe how dumb and naïve this guy really thinks I am and doesn't he have any clue as to what a bad liar he is? Can he be that stupid himself?

He said that I could use my mind power to try to influence him sexually, but that it wouldn't matter anyway, cuz it's not gonna affect his consciousness or what he chooses to do. See? He admits he chooses not to cum. Then when I questioned him on that and he realized he slipped, he denied saying this.

Then I asked him if he was glad that there are doctors that exist to help us if he can't cum. He said he doesn't think about it cuz he knows we can have a family without a doctor and that nothing's standing in his way. Nothing's standing in his way? Then why can't he cum and doesn't he realize that's another admission of the truth? Of course nothing's in his way cuz it's his choice and his alone to not cum.

I see more and more what a joke this April appointment is gonna be. It's useless cuz he's gonna beat it and make sure that it doesn't help him. He doesn't want to be helped. If I didn't suggest a doctor, then he'd never go cuz he doesn't want to be helped. All that's going to happen at that 1997 appointment is that the doctor's gonna tell me my gut instinct is right and that if I want to have a child I should think about staying with him cuz he'll never give me a child cuz he doesn't want one. That's all that's gonna happen. Then we'll come home and Tom will still insist that he does want a kid and is trying everything the doctor's told him to do, but he feels pressured and there's no opportunity, and going to the doctor has ruined him and he'll never be whole again, but that we can still have a family anytime now. He'll say this when I'm 31 and 32 and 33 and all the way up till I'm too old to have a kid.

Why oh why can't I say to myself, "Hey. No one gets it all and everyone gets hurt and lied to. He just can't bring himself to tell you the truth cuz he fears what you'd do to him and then he couldn't tease you with having a kid anymore. Just let him play his game, accept that he doesn't want a kid and that you'll never have one, and love and accept him as he is and the many wonderful things he has to offer."

I reminded him that in September I'm going back to dancing and I don't want any guilt trips put on me cuz we made a deal. I know him, though. Since he's not gonna ever give me a child, he's gonna then use that as an excuse to not cum. He's gonna say he's too stressed out and worried for me to cum. Millions of humans go through many stressful and hectic events in their lives, but that doesn't seem to stop them from having a normal life, so why does he have to be so different?

And then there's God. Why can't he just leave me the fuck alone sexually? Why has there always got to be a problem? Do I need to kill someone to get mutual sex and to get a kid? Probably. But no can do, so no kid or mutual sex.

Yesterday he offered to go down on me, but I told him I still had my period. So, we went to screw and believe it or not, I couldn't get off. I was just so turned off cuz you could practically smell how one-sided it was and how he just wasn't into it and acted like it was a big chore just to get me off. The sex really sucks a lot. I'm so sick of having sex with this guy that's not one bit attracted to me and who is so fucking terrified of a kid and so fucking terrified to tell me the truth. He's so afraid of me that he can't tell the truth and he's so afraid of a kid that he has to make sure that for the rest of his life he can never cum. What a life! What a healthy and fun life. Well, he must really see something really good in me after all to do this. I can see him afraid of me beating the snot out of him if he fessed up, but why is so afraid of my leaving him? I know he doesn't want to tell me for those two reasons. I know he's sure in his mind that if he fesses up, I'll either beat him or leave him. Why would he be afraid of my leaving him though? He can get by alone just fine and he can always find a woman who doesn't want a kid and who doesn't have any at all. He told me that if I came out and told him that I didn't want a kid, he'd feel disappointed and confused and then he didn't know what other emotions such as anger or whatever could follow. Bull fucking shit! He'd be elated. Who's he think he's kidding?

I think I've remembered to mention all that was said in our conversation that we had yesterday pertaining to this never-ending bullshit.

I do have some good news. The basketball net is still clipped. For how long, I don't know.

A few days ago, I sent Tammy a message letting her know just how warm it's gotten here and she sent me a message that had me totally cracking up. It said: Who cares? I hope you get the worst sunburn ever. It's freezing here with 8 inches of snow.

Then I wrote back and said that even though the weather was so warm, even hot out in the direct sun, the pool is still way too cold. I got a reply to that saying: Who cares?

So I wrote back: HA, HA, HA!

I saw Denise Austin on TV earlier doing step aerobics and other exercises that aren't on her 1-2-3 Tone-Up video that I've got and sent her a letter asking her if this was all I needed to do to achieve the results I desired. Also, how I can get myself to stick to it. It seems I do it, then I slack off.

Now I'm gonna go throw on a suit and go out and get me some more color while I read my library book. Then I'll make pork chops and do dishes.

Later...

Forget that! it's way too hot and I don't need but a few minutes here and there to get sufficient color. Besides, I don't want to get sun poisoning. I just turned the fan on behind me in the back room here and what a difference it makes. I've been inside now for about 7 minutes and my skin is still very warm to the touch.