The kid is playing ball for the second time this week, but he's now 10-15 minutes over the half-hour sessions we agreed on.

I'm on my own sexually this weekend and probably all through the week, too.

Tom got hit with allergies last night, but it sure seemed a convenient time to get them allergies. Do I think he could be faking it to get out of sex? Yup. I sure do. I even said I felt it would be one thing after another to keep us from having sex or time together, he just laughed and said that wasn't true. I told him that I know he'll never have the appetite I do for sex and that our sex will never be mutual, and I brought up the subject of a woman for me. As I figured it's no problem and we'll talk about it eventually.

Later...

I was right. No sex at all for me tonight, so I'd better get used to the idea of taking care of myself for a while. I left Andy a message to let me know the number of that free line where you can listen to other people's messages or leave a message. Tom said to do what I want as far as that's concerned. If I can get what I want, which will take a miracle since God's almost just as much against a woman for me as he is a kid, I think it'll help us a great deal. Cuz then I won't feel so sexually deprived and I won't be bugging him and although I can't get pregnant by a woman and wouldn't want to, I'll at least have the mutual sex with her that I'll never have with him. Then I'll have the more frequent sex and the mutual sex, but not the kid. I'll just have to keep reminding myself of how much God hates me and how much I don't qualify for a kid, not that I could handle it anyway and be a good mother. I'm still determined to get over this sadness of never having a kid. I know I can and will. I just wish I knew when! 

I really believe, though, that if Tom really cared enough about giving me more sex, he'd do it. Just like if he really wanted a kid, he'd cum. But if he begged me to please not see a woman and that he'd up the amount of sex, I'd just feel that it was all bullshit, anyway. At least he's been a bit more honest about that, than the kid. I just wish to hell he'd fess up about that kid! I really feel that'd help me to accept that it can never be much faster. God, please?! Won't you just make him fess up? Fess up, Tom, fess up! 

God did answer a request for me, though. It was an easy request and one that he feels is right and correct in every way for me, though. 

Two nights ago, I cried cuz I miss my family. I've come to believe that I'll never see my parents again and I accept that. But I prayed for him to send my daddy to me in my dreams cuz dreams are so much more real than just a thought or a memory. The next night I had no dreams that I could remember. But last night, though, Daddy came to me in my dreams. I was packing to leave some kind of place that obviously seemed to be another Valleyhead-type place. He said something about quitting neglecting me as I was packing. Ma wasn't in the dream at all. Then we were in a car and it looked like we were in New England since everything was very green. There were beautiful flowers all around us and I guess it was summer there. We had about an hour or two of driving to do. Then Dad asked me if I sang that song, Desperado, any more and I said I sometimes still did. So then he started to sing it in a funny and goofy way and then I sang that song and others while we laughed and joked. 

Later...

I just sent an email to Tammy and asked her if she thought my opinion was right about my never again seeing Mom and Dad. I also believe that she'd never see them if it weren't for the fact that they've got friends there. Here, they have no friends. I told her all about why I think I'll never see them again, so I'll just wait and see what she says.