The weather's been gorgeous here and they say that Sunday and Monday it'll be 90º. That's far different from what they're dealing with in NE. There it's freezing and they've got lots of snow and more on the way. This winter, they've had their record for their amount of snowfall.

Yesterday I just had spotting, but I sure do have my period full blast now. In a few hours, it'll taper off, though. 

When I have either PMS or my period, reality really settles in. I know Tom's full of shit about the kid. Tom's not gonna cum by April 1st, but I wouldn't be surprised if he lied about it just like he did during the end of 1993. He can't fool me, though. If he came inside me, I'd certainly feel it and some of it would leak out and I'd know it and always have in the past cuz I'm small. To me, it's very obvious when a guy cums. He couldn't lie about it by hand cuz then he'd know I didn't see it, but then again, he's such a bad liar anyway who thinks I'm so naïve and stupid. At least I can count on feeling better soon enough and you know that after my period is my favorite time. I'm not so bloated or watery and my moods are more stable and knowing I'll never have a kid is so much easier to deal with.

I shouldn't have said something I said to Tom cuz it's gonna make him do it and I wasn't awake enough yet when I said it. I had wondered if our having all these new channels would make us be glued to the TV (especially him) and he said no. Then yesterday and today I woke up to him watching TV and said something about him watching too much TV and something like, "You've been watching TV for 5 hours?" Watch. Now I'll bet he'll go and deliberately watch so much TV. Tom's kind of like this. If you suggest he's a certain way, he'll live up to your assumption as long it's not something he's afraid of or against. He's not afraid or against TV, but if I accused him or make an assumption that he'll cum, that doesn't mean he'll go and cum cuz that's something he is afraid of and against. Also, if you ask him to do something, he tends to go the other way if it's something he's not afraid of or against. If I asked him not to cum, for example, this doesn't mean he's gonna go the other way and do so, cuz like I said, that's scary and a no-no to him.

I didn't have any dreams with my dad in it that I can remember, but I dreamt of my mom. I got a letter from her and she apparently wrote all kinds of weird sayings on the envelope, but I don't remember actually reading the letter. She wrote all kinds of weird and senseless stuff on the envelope like Andy and I would write or say over the phone when we used to make prank phone calls. All I remember was something about it being hot in New Hampshire.

I think I forgot to write about the weird dream Tom had. He was at Mary's house and Dave was there and he had a hamster. Mary then did something on her computer to change the hamster into 10 worms, then change it back to a hamster, then to 10 worms again. Then when she went to change it back to a hamster to stay that way, she couldn't do it. I can't wait till the next time I see her so I can ask her if she made her hamster that she really has into 10 worms using her computer!

I thanked God last night for making the dogs quieter, if he really had anything to do with it, and asked him to please give me the power to help Tom cum and to please let us have a kid. Yup, I finally got up the nerve to pray to him for what I really want for about a week now, probably a little more, but I still feel I'm wasting my time. If I pray consistently, though, for a while, at least this will reinforce for sure what I feel I already know. That God's not gonna budge on the issue. Then I can work all the harder on doing some type of work somewhere.

Later...

I'm already being punished for what I did last night as I knew I would be. I know I hit the record button to record Twin Peaks at 9 AM, but it didn't record at all.

For some reason I can't explain, I got through on that meeting line and left 3 women replies to their ads. While I was doing this, though, I felt so guilty and I wish to hell I didn't do this. I asked Tom what he honestly felt about it and he said he felt disappointed that I'd throw the relationship away cuz things come up where we can't have sex that much.

Well, I partially agree with him. We can have sex that much. Yet things always come up. He's just not into like I am. I realized, though, that if it were him with the higher sexual appetite and me with the lower, he wouldn't try to get some other woman for sex to supplement the difference.

I love him and I must take him as he is. That means with little sex and with no child.

I also told him that I'll take any punishment he sees fit to give me if this was what he wanted to do. I said he could punish me by making sure I don't get pregnant for another year or two. I know he'd never get me pregnant, but he's gonna seize this as the perfect opportunity for why he couldn't win the bet. Let him, though. I know I deserve it.

The only thing that really pissed me the fuck off was that he had the nerve to come out and say that I said I was gonna do too many things that I didn't do (simply cuz this is what I say he does and he always accuses me of the same things I accuse him of). But who the hell is he to say that after promising me a baby for over a year which has been a lie and then so many other things? Maybe it's not just me who'd make such a lousy parent. Maybe he would, too, cuz if you can lie to your wife about serious issues, you can lie to your kid about serious issues. Then why is God against us having a kid? Cuz I want one, I guess, and probably many other reasons.

Anyway, I just feel like I can't do anything right lately and that nothing I say or do is good enough. I feel hurt when I'm negative and hurt when I'm positive. Feeling negative and that things won't work out is a bummer and it's a bummer to be positive, cuz then I only get let down and realize I got psyched up for nothing. I fail when I try; I fail when I don't try. I fail when I'm negative; I fail when I'm positive. I keep telling myself, get some kind of career going! Do it and get real and stop wasting your life doing nothing and living on dreams.

Why wasn't this free meeting line in existence when I was single? What a sure sign that it wasn't meant to be, huh? Then again, if it were available before I met Tom, I'd still have gone through the same old shit.

I tried to call the number back and the 3 girls I called to tell them my mother died and have to fly to Florida so don't bother calling, but it just rang and rang when I called. I hope they don't call cuz I'm short and feminine, but cuz I don't want them to call, they'll call. I told Tom that whoever answered if they call, can just say there's no such person at that number.

I've definitely "lived my life," though. My dreams are over, and they are as impossible as jumping out of this chair and onto the moon. There is nothing else in this world that could happen to me that won't be second best or lower. God's given me everything he's gonna give me as far as first best. This is it. This is my life. I have the perfect husband (almost), I live in a beautiful place, I have a roof over my head and food to eat and more, and I'm in good health, so why can't I be happy? Why do I need anything else? Why do I need a child? Why do I need to put my body and mind through so much abuse by having a child? Why do I want to throw my life away on a child? Isn't what I have enough? Why can't I appreciate the freedom of not having a child? Why can't I appreciate that I've got Tom all to myself? Why would I want to go adding a third party to our relationship? Why do I always have to want something that's either the wrong thing for me or that I can't have or both?!