Well, well, well, Tom and I just might be going to Florida. Yes, I was awake to take their call. The work schedule where Tom works is already made up for the year, so hopefully Tom will be able to get the time off. We'll know in a day or so. If we go it'll be either in late April or in May for a week or maybe 4 or 5 days. Mom and Dad will be buying our tickets, of course. Tom has vacation time in September, but Dad will be in MA at that time just like he will be in May and July.

The thought of possibly seeing my parents within 30-60 days is exciting but nerve-wracking. I know they'll be impressed with Tom, but as usual, I find myself crying over the fear of them thinking I'm fat. Will they really be thinking - God, she got bigger and is all flab now! Another thing I fear is my breathing, although that's the least of my worries. How will I sleep? The last time I couldn't sleep at all at night and was tired all day and this time I'll be stuck in a bed with Tom who'll wake me up with his moving and snoring even if I can sleep. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we slept so well together that we came home, ditched the waterbed, and slept on his bed forever just as wonderfully? That's just a fantasy, though, as we've tried sleeping together in his bed and it was a disaster. His bed is also too narrow, too. The pressure will be on to keep my schedule right on and then there's my mother's bitchiness and whatever shit she might say to embarrass me or put me on the spot in front of Tom. Tom is one of the very few people that I'm self-conscious with to a degree. Most everyone else, I don't give a fuck what they think of what I say or how I look, but I do care when it comes to him.

Andy brought up a good point, though. The more my mom likes someone, as she likes Tom, the phonier she is, so perhaps she won't treat me in her old ways.

I'm also afraid that Tom's gonna be the type to say nothing at all in defense of me if my mom should say anything not too nice to me, then defend my mother when we're alone together. I don't know what it is with my parent’s persuasion and power, but this isn't my imagination. This has happened before with others.

In a way, it's like going to see two strangers since I haven't seen my mother since I was 25 and I haven't seen my dad since I was 26.

I'm gonna tell them in a letter, as I've told Tammy, that I'm not babysitting anymore because they wanted to pay me less cuz of their financial hardships and that it wasn't worth it to me. I wonder why they haven't mentioned the babysitting job to me. Didn't they get the letter explaining it? They never asked me if I could get the time off from that. All they asked was if Tom could get time off from work. See, there's still a part of me that wonders if Tom and my parents have some way that's unknown to me where they communicate. Mainly about the kid issue, though. It is really possible that they could be doing something in exchange for his making sure I don't get pregnant. I mean, it's more than likely it's his own choice cuz of his own fears and he's given that fact away, but they still could be sending money or something and it's still possible that some kind of deal was made.

I just hope to hell my weight stays down in the upper 90s, rather than 102-104, even though I look about 115.

I thought of a plan that might help keep me motivated to exercise regularly. Sticking to it has always been a problem for me. Well, maybe if I do the upper arms and the stomach exercises every other day, then do the leg exercises every other day, I won't feel so overwhelmed with it and I'll stick to it.

I'll have to have Andy come over to feed the pig and make sure our mail doesn't get all jammed up in the mail slot.

Speaking of Andy, he fell asleep really late this morning, so we'll probably get together tomorrow. He's got to give me an apron that has a torn pocket for me to sew, a video of Gloria on the awards show I missed and a newspaper article all about when she and Emilio hit that water biker with their boat. Or the water biker hit them. Also, plastic silverware he doesn't want and an old VCR for Tom to use its parts.

I've got to give him some NPN envelopes to mail, his birthday present and show him the sound bytes on the computer and whatever else I think of.

Tom slept out in the back room due to his coughing and sniffling and he said he could have been dreaming, but he could've sworn he heard pigeons outside at 2:00 in the morning. So, I guess they've really taken up residence here. They're almost always outside, even when I'm not feeding them. They're by the door begging right now. It's shaded on the patio now, so it also keeps them cooler since it's in the low 80s today. A lot of them are laying down out there now.

I had a really strange experience and I don't know how real it was. Anyway, it was as if something from deep inside me was telling me that if I happened to go outside, whenever I do, I'll hear the kids getting off the school bus and that'll be a sign of it being meant to be. I still know it's not meant to be and I swear I forgot all about it and wasn't looking at the clock when I went out for a smoke and the bus pulled up. Then while I was sitting at the kitchen table, it was like something was telling me that I'd receive a dream as a sign. I did have a dream involving a baby or a child, but cannot remember what it was all about. Only vague images that seem to make no sense. Then I could've sworn Robin was there saying something about it happening after we see my parents, but we still don't know if we will be seeing them. We just might have to wait another year or so till they get out here.

I don't see how these dreams or us seeing my parents or not seeing them changes the fact that Tom's got his mind made up. Some things do seem strange, though, and so far Robin’s been right on many of the things they've told me.

I still have to see the new neighbors be quiet for me to believe it'll still be OK once they get here full-time. I still feel the place will surely be rocking with kids, music, and ball games.

I get the feeling of forgetting to mention stuff, but if I think of anything worthwhile to mention, of course I'll jot it down.

I still wish Gloria's pictures would hurry up and arrive! And her catalog, too.