Gizzy was in the wooden box when I got up, then I forgot about him while I had my coffee and got myself woken up. Then I heard him on his wheel. So, he went back home again! Perhaps, and hopefully, he won’t want to escape to any place where he can’t get to his wheel.

It’s still the same old shit around here, as far as my periods and my feeling that Tom isn’t as ready for more sex and a kid, regardless of if I’m OK and could carry to full-term. My period started when I got up at 8:00, then I had an idea that may help to ease my moodiness and depression and may eventually help us both, since he has to live with my depression, too.

The idea was to not have sex during the so-called right time frame, till and if he’s ready, able and willing to cum more often. He’s only cum 3 times in 1997. Just 3 times. It’s no wonder we keep missing it by 1-3 days. Anyway, the reason I thought this would help is cuz I tend to be less bummed when we don’t screw around mid-cycle, cuz then I’m not bombarded with constant thoughts of, “If only God would change his mind, have a change of heart, and let us have hit it right this time!” I try to tell myself it doesn’t matter when we have sex or how often, since I know getting pregnant would only mean having a miscarriage, which would be much worse to have to handle. I don’t know if I could handle that. I really don’t think I could. To have gone as far as getting pregnant after all these years just to lose it would only kill me for sure. But still, I wouldn’t put it past God to take this teasing another step further. On the other hand, since he does seem to spare me from stuff I can’t handle, I’m sure he knows I couldn’t handle that, therefore, he won’t let me get pregnant in the first place.

Now that I know that if we had screwed and if he had gotten off on the day we had the fight that it wouldn’t have done anything, my only theory about why that fight was meant to be, was just to torture me some more.

You know how sensitive Tom is and he just gets upset when I insist he isn’t as ready for a kid as I am. He says I’m calling him a liar by saying that. Well, what does he expect? When someone says they’re gonna do something that they don’t do, makes promises they know they can’t keep, what do you expect? I’m only going by what I’ve seen from him. And I told him that I can’t make him like me and I can’t make me like him. I’d love to feel about this whole thing as a man would feel. But I can’t and I can’t change my desperation to have a child NOW. A man may be able to wait. A man may be able to live with or without a kid, but I’m a woman and this is how women feel about this issue. Even Tom agreed that I’m acting typical about the whole thing and that he does understand.

All I can be sure about is the fact that I’d lose any baby that started growing inside me. But we’ll never be sure if we can start one growing in me as long as he either won’t or can’t get off at least two days in a row, preferably 3-5, during prime time.

I told him that if my being less depressed meant making him upset, then I’d just be more depressed. Then I asked him bluntly, 3 times, how he can say he does want a kid as bad as I do, then not get off more often and he evaded the question. On the third time, though, he finally answered it. His ridiculous answer was, “If we can’t screw, I can’t get off.”

Oh please! Like something’s really been preventing him from screwing and getting off more often? Yeah right! It’s his own doing. I mean, God may have a part in influencing him to be the way he is, but still, his answer was absurd and made no sense. So, then I said, “OK, you want to screw?” And I checked the 5 days in May that’d be most likely to conceive on the calendar.

Then, he got even crazier and said, “No. 5 days isn’t gonna do it. I need more than 5 days. I need more like 28 days.” 

So, acting as crazy as he was, hoping he’d listen to how crazy he sounded, I said fine and checked 28 days.

This is absolutely nerve-wracking, crazy, stupid, and just really pissing me off. Oh, so now he thinks he’s gonna cum 28 days in a row? Please! Yet he keeps insisting he understands. Then why is he still playing these fucking games with me? Does he think I’m that naïve and stupid? Does he think I can’t see through his little act and his lies? So, he’ll cum once or twice in these 28 days (and I know we won’t screw all 28 days), and one of the days will be way off and the other will be 1-3 days off.

It really, really is like God, or something, is teasing me. Just teasing the hell out of me! We’ve come so close, so many times. It’s dangled that baby in my face by a day or so, just to snatch it away and laugh its ass off!

Yeah, well I hope God’s happy now and having a grand old time up there. This is sick. I mean, no woman, no woman should have to “work” for a baby. And as I ask, year after year, when is this gonna end? How is this gonna end? I’m sick of God torturing me. Sick of the empty, torturous feelings that eat at me, both physically and mentally over this. Over this simple act of nature that’s supposed to be a natural part of life. I’m tired of being unnatural. Everything about me is unnatural. Why do I always get the people who just don’t function normally sexually? If it isn’t a problem I’ve got, it’s them. What if Tom was suddenly someone else? What problem would they have? Would they be totally impotent? Would they cum like hell and just be shooting blanks? Yeah, I could see God doing that to me. If I were single and straight in the way that I would seek a man, and if men weren’t so easy, all I’d have to do is close my eyes and wish for some sexual misfit and it’d be right at my door.

Again, I’m not saying Tom’s a sexual freak, although I do feel he’s quite unusual for a guy. Low appetite, and infrequent cumming (I know he denies this). And I’m not saying he doesn’t want a kid or more sex at all, it’s just that his actions just don’t fit his words and I, as a human being, can’t help but wonder. I know a part of it’s God, too, and that this is one of my “traits” (being with those who aren’t quite normal sexually), but how many more years of this must I be a part of? It took Tom 2½ years to cum. Does that mean I have another two years to go before he cums more often?

Just what is he trying to gain by this 28-day shit?

Maybe it’s like with my smoking. I’d love to be able to quit, I want to quit, but I can’t. But at least I say so. I say that I can’t. I don’t run around saying I can do something that I can’t do.

I still haven’t heard from Shelly, so I think what I’ll do is give her a call, see what’s up, then get a letter out to her.