Last night was a really shitty night. He ended up getting up at 5:30, instead of 9:30. I’m so sick of both him accusing me of arguing when all I’m really doing is expressing my feelings and I’m also so sick of this sex shit. It’s like, I can’t even express my fears, worries or doubts without him getting impatient, frustrated, or called negative and being told I cut him down and it’s the same old shit with sex. He says he’s just the way he is, but all the while he still makes it sound like I’m too bad to have sex with and like there’s never the opportunity. He keeps saying he wants more sex and a kid and that I shouldn’t give up, but how does he expect me to feel? It’s been the same old shit for too long now and I’m tired of his games, too. If he’s got so many problems with me that don’t allow him to have the kind of sex he says he wants, maybe he’s having sex with the wrong person. We’re just not compatible in bed and we’re just not able to communicate. I know I may not always use the proper words when I talk, but I’m tired of being misinterpreted and of the complications sex brings.

We’ll never have a child on our own or by a doctor, sex is either the same old shit or non-existent, so why do we bother? I mean, I love this man to death, but as I said, our sex lives will never change and we’ll obviously never be able to have a conversation without it ending up in an argument.

He went through this new list of jobs he’s gonna do for his mother (why doesn’t she have him just tear down her whole house and just start over?). Then he said that she’d finance a trip for us during his vacation. That’s really sweet of her, but then all I meant to do was express my concern about him having enough time if we had been able to have a child and he took it all wrong.

I’m just getting more and more frustrated and even angry. And each time I say I’m gonna hang up our sex lives, I feel it’s getting easier to do and closer to the day where I really will do that. The bulk of our problems and arguments are due to sex and it’s got to stop. It’s got to! I feel more and more that the best way for us to get along is for me not to say anything unless it’s absolutely necessary and for me to get a vibrator. I think, though, that he’s gonna do all he can to stall me from getting one so that I won’t be tempted to turn to that to fill in what we together, can’t or don’t fill in. Maybe he feels that’d also be a threat to his games.

I still also think that this whole thing is a combination of things. Problems we really have that we don’t want to have, God, and him playing games. I still don’t buy it when he says that he wants a fuller, better sex life that’s more frequent, and a kid. I mean, he does, I’m sure, but I don’t think he’s in that much of a hurry or that he wants this as bad as I’ve been saying I did. I think he loves to play hard to get, loves to make me wait on him, etc.

No, this doesn’t mean I have any desires to leave him or to have sex occasionally with a woman, but at this point, even though I highly doubt it, I don’t know if I’d say no to a woman who hit on me that I was attracted to. Well, this could and would never happen (an attractive woman hitting on me), but I’m just tired of this, and as far as God goes, if he doesn’t want to help me or to help us and if he doesn’t care, then neither do I. He must want this for us in order for him to keep allowing us to be going through this, but I’m not gonna be a part of this never-ending cycle of bullshit anymore. We’ve tried our best to change (even if I feel I’ve tried more and harder), but nothing changed, so it’s out of my hands. I’m just losing all faith, caring and motivation. It’s just too much easier to fantasize about the impossible, so I’ll fantasize about sex with a gorgeous woman and I’ll imagine what it would’ve been like to have a kid. So, you could say that fantasy’s in, he’s out.

There’s still been no sign of Fuzzy, so I wonder if he managed to get out of the house.

I remembered to show my parents that new dress and my ear, but I forgot to show them the hole that Bunny dug up out back.

Later...

Mom and Dad called a while ago. They just got in tonight after gambling in Mississippi. Ma said they went back to Red Lobster for the pictures, but the lady had shot a blank roll and showed it to them, too.

I love this Frizz Ease stuff Ma gave me, as well as the dusty rose lipstick. It smells so good and it really does take out a lot of the frizz. I just wish my hair wasn’t so uneven. I have a 6-inch difference in some areas. The sides are up to my waist and the back is just a wee bit past the crack of my ass.

Musiclessly, a car pulled up next door and I heard 3 car doors shut. Then I peeked out a few minutes later and saw a grayish Oldsmobile. Then another few minutes later, I heard a car door, then it left. I guess that’s easily explained. Her dad, friend, or whoever the hell it was, pulled in, and the driver and she got out, she got her kid out, then the driver left.

I still wonder what’s gonna go on this Memorial Day weekend and it’s only a matter of time before the net’s workable again. I wonder if she’ll suspect or even ask me if it was me who tried locking it, but if she does, fine.

Mike hasn’t been around since last Sunday, but as I said, we’ll see what this weekend brings.

Once again, I’m surprised to not find things I’d think I would’ve definitely written about. I searched the Oswego St. journals and couldn’t find that incident where Mattie called the cops on me for chasing her into her apt. and pounding on her door after she yelled at me and accused me of fucking around with that low-life Hank. I’m surprised I didn’t write about that. I mean, I must have.

I attempted to make kneidlach soup (a Jewish soup), but I had way more Matzo meal for the broth, so I’ve got a different idea in mind that I’ll try out the next time around.

I’ve decided to get into that Time-Life record club legitimately. The one that has the Sounds of the '70s & '80s and that I used to steal a few CDs from here and there. Well, if they send that one I just ordered, I’ll pay for it. Then, when they send a CD each month like they say they will, I’ll record onto tape only the songs I like, then send it back. They say you have 10 days to audition each CD, but Tom had a point when he said they’ll probably stop sending CDs if I don’t buy any.

I got a few new neat games from AOL yesterday. A maze game, a number game, and several jigsaw puzzles that you can customize to however many pieces you want. You can have the puzzle be 4 - 4000 pieces, but then the pieces are microscopic when you have too many, so I usually go with around 100 pieces.