Well, now he’s on vacation, but I was a week early when I said that this weekend was Memorial Day weekend. It’s next weekend.

How am I gonna brush him off for sex tonight when he gets up? I mean, I know that the right thing to do and the best thing to do would be to refuse any propositions, but we all have our weak spots. My heart wins over my head sometimes and it may be hard to say no. I’ll just have to think of and remind myself of the consequences and the problems that sex brings, I guess, and try my best. Hopefully, he’ll just plop himself down in front of the TV all night and won’t initiate sex.

You bet your ass that next month, next time I’m in the “miscarriage zone,” I’m gonna stay the hell away from him cuz that way there can’t be any fights about how he said that I was gonna get pregnant next month. When I’m in danger of a miscarriage also, I’m not gonna do anything foolish and if we just don’t have sex then, I can’t feel hurt and angry that he lied yet again, for the hundredth time, about my getting pregnant.

I’d like to know what he meant when he said we didn’t have a choice about my getting pregnant next month. Or was it real soon that he said? I had said something about us waiting till I was closer to 40 cuz I didn’t think he’d have the time for a kid cuz of all the work he does for his mother, among other things he does, and he said something about there being no choice. That doesn’t make sense. Back when I had first said that if we didn’t want kids, we’d have them cuz that’s how God works, he had said, “Not me. If I didn’t want kids, I wouldn’t have them and I’d use protection.”

I had asked him if he wanted me to leave if I’m so hard to talk to and cuz of our sex lives and he said no and that he felt that my leaving would be a huge mistake and make our lives miserable. I always knew that if I were suddenly without him, despite how much we argue and despite how the sex is or isn’t, I’d be miserable. But him? How would he be miserable? He didn’t really answer, cuz he said the answer was complicated. Guess I was too stupid to get it, huh?

I wonder, though, did he feel that way about his first wife? I know he told me she filed for the divorce and why, but did one of them or both of them feel it’d make their lives miserable?

I asked him over AOL and he said he’d answer in person, remind him Saturday afternoon. Why then and not tonight? Does he have to have time to think of the answers? Or is it just that he loves me to wait on him so much?

I made that wonderful dessert Ma taught me to make, but I forgot to chop the walnuts. Oh well. Anyway, what you do is put pistachio pudding mix in a bowl and throw in a can of crushed pineapple. Then you add some mini marshmallows, cool whip, whole/pitted cherries, and chopped walnuts. You mix this all up and it’s ready to eat.