Got a call from Andy and a message from Marla. Linda had twin girls. She said that the first one came out normally and easily, but the second one refused to come down, so they did a C-section. Then Marla said that someday I will know the joys and pains of motherhood and that it’s totally worth it. Yeah, I’m sure it is worth it, but no, I will not know the joys and pains of motherhood someday, but the more time that passes, the more I’m OK with that fate and will continue to be. I told her I opted not to see a doctor cuz that can’t change fate and I know that a miscarriage would be about as guaranteed as my being alive tomorrow and the next day. So, even though my husband will always bullshit me and say I’ll be pregnant at this time, then at that time, and so on and so forth, what matters is what is meant to be and that’s my husband and our happiness together. Among my many animals and hobbies. This is my fate. I am living my destiny.

Yesterday we went over to his mother’s and both Tom and I slaved over working on her thermostat we put in on her cooler and her light fixture in the computer room.

Mary came over at one point to take Ma to the cemetery and Ma also gave me 6 books to borrow.

Then we went to get an adapter for the other brand of tubes so we could connect those.

Then went to KFC.

The way we have Gizzy’s cage set up now is the coolest ever. We lowered Mary’s cage by taking out Piggy’s burrow and placing a couple of books under it instead. Then we put the Sam tubes going from Mary’s house down into the aquarium. Extending up from Mary’s house, at odd angles, are all the Play City tubes and we could have the whole thing extend over 10 feet, but since the ceiling’s not that high, we have it up to an inch from the ceiling. How we supported the weight of the tubes was by putting a hook in the ceiling, then tying yarn around the top part of the tube and the hook.

Later...

What a lovely morning I’ve been having. I got some of my own work done, then we screwed. We’ve even been having more sex! See Tom? I’m not writing bad things about you (I just showed him this)!

There had been a longer gap than usual where he was close to cumming, but not quite. He hadn’t had his Slim-Fast shakes for over a week, but he’s started those up again cuz he likes the taste and cuz it gives him more energy. So now hopefully he can keep up on his shakes and we can keep up on the sex and I know that I’ll feel better emotionally and physically. I’m gonna try not to worry so much about it if he cums during mid-cycle. I just have to trust that God wouldn’t allow me to get as far as two or more months pregnant, and then make me lose it. If he wanted me to get that far in the pregnancy, then take it away, he’d have made it happen by now and this is something that I’ll have to keep reminding myself of, as hard as I know it’ll be.

Another thing that’s helped my moods is how much we’ve gotten done around here. After my folks left and after Laughlin, I really thought he’d have a big lazy spell, but he hasn’t. He straightened up the few things that had gotten out of the place in the back room, he mowed, and more.

I know all good things must come to an end (except for us), but the longer I don’t feel starved sexually and like I have to compete with his mother for getting stuff done around here, the better I’ll feel. Both in the body and in the mind, since they’re so connected. Not feeling well puts you in a not-so-good mood, just like going through stress and bad emotions don’t make you feel so well.

I’d still say that yeah, I’d prefer it if he didn’t cum during mid-cycle. It’d be better for me and help us both to get along better. Since a baby couldn’t result out of mid-cycle screwing, anyway, it’s better to do what’d be best for my emotional state, but hey, all I have to do if he cums then, is remind myself that I will get my period. God can’t hate me that much and he wouldn’t let me have a second or third-month miscarriage. He knows I couldn’t handle that and he’d really have to have a beef against me, unlike he ever has before, in order to do that to me. Miscarriages are another one of God’s many trades that I just can’t fathom. He’s the creator of life. Therefore, why would he want to make a life just to turn around and take it away? I just don’t get that. I really don’t. Therefore, the only reason for it that I can think of is that it’s a punishment for whatever reason to those he lets that happen to. Think about it. Since when has there ever been such a case of a woman being glad she miscarried? There aren’t any cases of that and God wouldn’t do that to a woman who didn’t want kids or who shouldn’t be having them in the first place. I still say that the more fucked up you are and the more you don’t want kids, the more you’re gonna get them, so beware! Nothing can stop what’s meant to be. Nothing can change what isn’t meant to be.

I still believe that there is a reason for everything and that we all have a reason why we’re here. Well, most of us do anyway, and the reason why I’m here is for Tom.

I went for a swim before I began writing this entry and stood out there a bit to get a little color, the slow way, so as not to get sun poisoning.

Still no call from Shelly and each day that I don’t get a call, I’m more convinced my feeling is right about why I haven’t gotten any calls. Let’s see… I usually like to send my mail out on Mondays. That way people will get them on Thursday, so I’ll send her that last letter I mentioned sending her on June 9th, the day I’ll be here for half a decade.

I’m happy to say that so far, this has been a very peaceful 3-day weekend. And during the summers when those dogs don’t bark as much. The nice and surprising thing about the dogs too is that during the summers they usually do the bulk of their barking at night, but I haven’t heard that at night, so that’s good. I mostly hear them in the mornings and late afternoons. In the winter, though, it’s non-stop from about 7 AM - 7 PM

I’m still not sure I’ll chat with them about their dogs tomorrow. A part of me says I should do something about the damn situation once and for all, cuz we will be here for many years. At least 6-10 more years before we can move. The other part of me says that it won’t do a damn bit of good. I know it wouldn’t do a damn bit of good. Not after the letter I sent them. Anyone with barking dogs who gets a letter like that, can’t care about their neighbors or their dogs.

Later...

Tom and I just had a talk about Shelly. I told him that my theory was that I opened the door to bad memories for her from a horrible time in her life. He agrees, that yes, that’s very possible that that’s the case here. I then told him about the letter I planned on sending her on the 9th and he advised against it. He said that telling her in a letter that I understand that this may be the case, I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable, I just wanted to mainly thank her for looking out for me, and she doesn’t have to ever contact me as that would only make her feel put on the spot and perhaps even guilty. Well, that’s the last thing I’d want to do to her, so I shall take Tom’s advice and let her deal with this on her own.

He agrees with me that I’ll probably never hear from her again, but like he told me not to, I don’t take it personally and I do understand. I just wish her the best in life in my heart and that’s it.

I’ve got another library book to read before beginning the ones that Ma gave me, so I think I’ll go do that now.

Later...

I’m watching part 2 of 3 of a mini-series about a serial killer. He killed those who got off by our whacked-out system and was guilty of very violent crimes.

I’ll write during some of the movie and the baby commercials.

Later...

OK, it’s baby commercial time again. Although, to my utter amazement, there hasn’t been any yet. I’m sure there will be. One of those EPT commercials will come on soon enough.

I hope this guy depicted in this movie gets off. If the courts won’t execute rapists, molesters, killers, and all those violent little fucks, society should.

An ad just came on about the Annual Music Awards that’ll be on soon, but they suck. I used to love the awards, but I got so sick of them in the early 90s, cuz they’re all nothing but awards and performances by screaming freeloaders. Screaming all about drugs, sex and violence.

I’m glad the weekend passed peacefully. Earlier, I did hear music for a few minutes, but it wasn’t the freeloader. There haven’t been any cars over there all weekend.

Some parts of this movie are boring, so I think I’ll use up this boring part, to go make coffee.