I forgot to mention that as we pulled in from the trip, we approached next door from the opposite direction and it looked like the net may still be locked after all. It’s hard to tell. That’s good, though. I didn’t want anything too obvious that’d stand out and draw attention and suspicions. At least the kids haven’t been back since the last time they got their ball stuck. So far, anyway. I just hope to hell that this 3-day weekend isn’t wild around here, but if it is, my schedule’s set for it, so I don’t have to worry about getting woken up. As long as he stays out of the picture next door, there shouldn’t be any problems.

It looks like Tom might’ve been right after all, about his theory that his music bothered her next door. When he was here 3 weeks ago, he didn’t play his music at all, let alone softly and I know he didn’t suddenly shut up out of the goodness of his heart. Nor did she convince him to shut up on behalf of me out of the goodness of her heart.

I ended up not taking his laptop on the trip. Originally, I was gonna type stuff up on that during the trip, then copy and paste it into its journal file and hand-write it into its written book, but the reason why I didn’t take it, is cuz it would’ve been a pain in the ass. The keys are too small even for me, so I didn’t feel like typing with one finger.

I’m really starting to wonder about Shelly now. Ever since she didn’t call when she said she was gonna call the week my folks were here about airfare, something’s been nagging at me. A feeling that perhaps something’s wrong with her or close to her. Or maybe I’ve brought back bad memories for her that she can’t deal with. She and I knew each other during a horrible time in our lives. Then yesterday, I called her at 10:30 AM our time and she said she was just stepping out to get her son’s hair cut and that she’d call back in a little bit. Well, she never called. I know that being a mom means having no life and no time for anything. However, she couldn’t have squeezed in two minutes to call to tell me she was busy? She never found the time, in the midst of her motherhood, to send me those pictures she said she was gonna send and a quick note. I never expected her to write as I do. I mean, I know no mother can write a 32nd of the amount I do, etc., but something’s definitely up. If I’m right, and if she’s really got a problem that’s got to do with me - I wonder - how long’s she gonna keep it a secret? When is she gonna come out and say so? Or will she just continue to never call me or send me any mail, all the while just accepting my letters and telling me she’s on her way out the door if I call? I know being a mother means only having 5 minutes of free time in a whole day, but if it means not even having one minute of free time in a whole day, then maybe I better be thankful that having a kid will always be just a dream. That is if that’s the case with her. And what would Andy have done if I had been able to have a child? He’d really feel neglected, abandoned, cut off, and just plain old dumped by his best friend.

Now, about next month’s bullshit pregnancy date - first I must say that I’ve really come to prefer it when he cums at the wrong times. Both physically and mentally I feel a million times better. I love it! And yes, I think I really can get used to this and simply dreaming and imagining life with a child.

Tom, I’m going to get my way with this cumming issue and your next month’s BS isn’t gonna hurt me! And God? I do have some rights/control over my own body!

Anyway, I told Tom to make up his own mind about what he wants to do and not to bother telling me. That way, we can avoid any more mid-cycle fights. I’ve always believed (regardless of how much God may or may not interfere) that if and when Tom wants to screw more, cum more, and really do something to say we’ve tried our best to make a kid and use all our options here at home to make one, he will. No problem. So, I told him on AOL that if he decided he’s ready and gung-ho to do what he can to make the kid next month as he said he was, to just do it. And also, that if he decides he’s not ready to, isn’t in the mood, etc., to just not do it and I’ll assume that he had the very best and most sincere reasons for his decision and that he felt he was doing the right thing.

I’m sure that when the time comes, God and he will aid us in a fight and also aid him in not getting in there. If he does get in there, I’m sure he’ll say he tried to get off, but just couldn’t, cuz he’d rather not say he’s not as ready for a kid and that he’s not interested in one as bad as I am. And of course, if he does cum, we’ll miss it by a day or two.

After nearly 11 months of him cumming so little, it’s way, way obvious that he’s not only not as interested or as ready for one, but that he still is pretty damn hung up on my waiting on him and his instilling patience in me and he still gets off on hearing me beg for more sex. I just wonder - how many more years does he need to enjoy himself with this shit? I’m also back to thinking - well - I don’t know, but I wouldn’t be surprised if everything was planned; the not cumming for the first couple of years, and now this for the last year. But yes, he did accept the fact that a kid could’ve resulted over the last year when we were close to the right time, and yes, he’d have been OK with it, or else he wouldn’t have risked cumming at all. Still, why couldn’t he have said that he wanted to use birth control at first and let me know when he still wasn’t really ready at all? Were his games and telling me what I wanted to hear really worth not getting any release?

Well, the fact of the matter is - there’s still God. No matter what we do or when we do it - God owns this body and I don’t have the right to choose to bear life with it.