What is it with Tom and chairs? I sit in them and I have no problem. He sits in them and he breaks them. He didn’t break this new chair, but two of its wheels fell off and I know he took them off. The chair was fine the last time I used it, and he had said not to worry if something fell off cuz it’s new and may need tightening. Yeah, well, he’s gotten pretty obvious. I’m sure he said that cuz he knew he intended to take the wheels off cuz I told him not to ruin this chair. I should’ve known better than to tease such a sensitive guy about all the chairs he fucks up.

Why are guys usually sensitive in the wrong kind of way?

Later...

We got cone-shaped coffee filters for the old Melita coffeemaker that I got the first time I lived on Woodside Terrace. In one of the glass storage jars my parents brought, there was coffee in it. I put a pinch of cinnamon in the coffee and it tastes so good. Just like the cinnamon coffee Nervous and I used to drink together when he’d come for visits on Oswego St.

I looked back in my journal and it was last June 8th that next door had that loud and very long party that went for at least 8 hours. Tom had said that he thought it might’ve also been a special occasion, besides a get-together to show off their new house to their friends and all that. So, we’ll see what happens that day, but I’m hoping that he won’t be around then, if it is a special occasion of some kind, like his birthday. Or hers.

I feel more and more like it’s very important to “do right by God” and to do the right thing, even if I have no choice and even if I don’t want to. What I’m saying is, I just hope to hell that he doesn’t cum when I’m mid-cycle next time. I know all I’d have to do if he did, would be to tell myself that God would never put me through a miscarriage, therefore, we missed it, but it’s not that easy. I still fear it greatly. Even though I can’t ever see that happening, cuz I’m sure it would’ve happened by now if God was gonna put me through that, I still fear it. God has about 6 billion people to deal with, so what if he forgets to protect me from a miscarriage? I know I’m being silly by worrying over something that couldn’t be and that he wouldn’t let be, but I do. Also, the only way I’m gonna find longer-lasting peace would be for him to not cum when I’m mid-cycle. I mean, the difference in how I feel when he doesn’t cum at that time, compared to when he does, is like the difference between night and day. There’s no constant stress, depression and anxiety. I don’t feel like I want to drop dead. I don’t feel like I’m gonna panic every other second. I don’t cry for hours. I don’t feel so angry or frustrated. The feelings of being cheated and controlled are gone. I don’t feel so cursed or manipulated. I can function this way and live life for this is my destiny. This, that I’m doing now, is my true destiny. My peak, my purpose in life. To take care of Tom in any way I can and do my hobbies and keep the house as clean and as organized as I can. People, especially me, do what they have to do, not what they want to do. I have to keep my emotions as much in control and as stable as possible, so I can live and make the best of what I’ve got. This is my life. It’s where I’m supposed to be. It’s what I’m meant to do. And I must do it as best as I can and to do that, I need to be as calm and as at peace as I can be.

If he gets off next mid-cycle, no matter how much I know we’ll miss it and that we’ll always miss it, all that stress, depression, frustration, anger, anxiety, and feelings of being controlled, punished, manipulated and cheated, are gonna come flooding back quicker than I can wish them away.

So please God. I know my fate and I know what’s meant to be for me and what’s not, so please, never forget to look out for me. Please, make sure he doesn’t get off at that time. Don’t make me fear a miscarriage every month, no matter how much the part of my brain that’s very realistic, knows that I won’t have to ever have one.

OK, this is my conclusion about what’s up with Shelly. Yes, she’s got no life, but she also could’ve easily had her husband or her mother watch her sons while she made a quick two-minute call to me to tell me she’s just too tied up to talk. So, this is what I’m gonna do. If I don’t hear from her in two weeks, I’ll send her a letter telling her that if for some reason she doesn’t feel comfortable talking to me, I respect that and she doesn’t have to call if she doesn’t want to. She was a friend to me and I don’t want her to do anything that she doesn’t want to do.

Later...

I’m making a TV dinner now, and before that, I listened to music to music.

I guess today we’re going to see his mother. He said Mary and he talked last night and she said we can get tube-connector adapters that’ll allow both Play City and Sam brands to connect.