I thought that a good night’s sleep would rid me of my emotions about Larry and all that, but I thought wrong. A part of me is still pissed off that I bothered to return his call and that I didn’t speak my mind to him. So, I try to remind myself that speaking my mind to him about the shit that’s gone on wouldn’t change a thing. He wouldn’t want to hear it and he wouldn’t budge on his own ways and opinions. I don’t owe him any explanation anyway. We all have a right to feel and believe as we do and as long as I know in my mind where I’m coming from, it doesn’t matter if no one else does. No one else has to share my feelings and beliefs. 

It also did me some good to return his call too, cuz it reinforced in my mind that dumping him was the right thing to do. It served as a reminder of just how vindictive and spiteful he can be upon hearing the bullshit he had to say to me.

Thank God I do journaling, though, cuz it really helps to get it all out, and thank God I have Tom. If there’s one good thing I can always count on in life, it’s him. Everything else after that that’s good is just an extra bonus as far as I’m concerned.

Tom suggested other ways to deal with those I don’t want anything to do with. He said I don’t have to “dump” them. I can just not return phone calls, etc, so I can avoid the anger and anxiety and all that. He said, for example, if I don’t like Melanie, I can just switch dentists. I don’t need to tell her I’m gonna do so and why. He has a point, but every situation is different. It wouldn’t be that easy to just ignore my family. In their case, it was cut them off and let them know it or keep on associating with them.

All I know is that my parents and my brother have hurt me and pissed me off one too many times and this was the final time. They will never see or hear from me again. I told my parents a couple of summers ago that this is what’d happen if they started up with me again. Well, they either didn’t take me seriously or they just never gave a shit.

I’m sure Larry’s told my parents that he was the one to dump me, cuz that’s just how he is, but let them say and do as they please. The only thing I suggest they do is to brush up on their lying skills. Bill only hit Lisa once or twice? Are these people even aware of what bad liars they are? That’d be like me saying I don’t live in Arizona. I’m not short. I’m not a brunette. Both ears of mine are normal, etc. I know Lisa and Tammy wouldn’t lie about how much Bill hit Lisa, and using my good judgment of character, Bill totally fits the kind. I just wish I knew that he’d utilize his willingness to hit Lisa while I was still there, but he’s very lucky I didn’t!

I’m sure it’s also just a matter of time, too, before Larry and my parents are dumping each other. If not, though, they can have happy lives together. They’re made for each other.

I called Lisa today cuz I felt I should try to warn and protect her. I told her I wasn’t telling her what to do, but that I highly suggest she have no contact with Larry. I told her there’s the funny side of Larry, and there’s the mean side of Larry. I told her that we were really close, as she and he had been till I was 21, then he was gone. I told her that by the time I was 21, I had been dumped on and dumped enough to not have it affect me so much, but that I shouldn’t have let him back into my life in 1993, and that if he could dump his parents and his sister, he can dump his niece. That is, not without shitting on her first. I told her that I was telling her this from personal experience and that maybe I was wrong. Maybe they could always get along just fine, but I felt it was best I warn her of the possibilities here. She’s gonna meet enough people that’ll screw her over, so if I can spare her from one more person that’ll just fuck her over, great (although not quite in those words). I also reminded her that nothing that could go on between me and anyone else could ever change my love for her.

She said she’d never let anyone else come in between us and she thanked me vigorously for clearing up her confusion. She said that she had been so confused with my parents saying this, Tammy saying that, Larry saying this, etc. I told her I was glad it helped her, cuz the last thing I wanted to do was add to her confusion and make it sound like I was telling her what to do. All I thought of was doing whatever I could do to protect her from any more future BS. She’s had enough.

She said she’s glad she didn’t move in with him and that she’s got her family there. Yes, she does. Tammy may make mistakes, and they may not always get along, but at least she won’t be hitting up on her constantly. And in a couple of years, she can move out if she wants to.

She said she was upset with my folks for not believing her about her dad hitting her. I don’t blame her. There’s just something about Lisa that sparks a sheer hatred in Bill and I think it’s because she’s “the other guy’s.” Lisa’s half of Tammy’s ex, he doesn’t like her ex, therefore he doesn’t like Lisa. It’s a lot like how Judy M hated me at first cuz of how she hates my mom.

She asked what about Jen? I suggested that as sweet as Jen is and as innocent as Jen is, she let her go cuz of the close connection to Larry. I told her that she’d have to deal with Larry if she wanted to deal with Jen and that sometimes you have to give up something you like in order to give up something bad. Like with the cigarettes. She liked them, but it was best that she give them up (if she really did and I sure hope so) cuz they weren’t good for her.

She also told me that Bill screamed at Lisa and told her that if she ever says such things about him again, that would be the "end of us." In other words, Bill doesn’t like Lisa spilling the truth about him to people. As I told her, I’d be thrilled to end “us” if someone like him were in my life.

Once again, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if someone in my family wasn’t murdered. Like I said, Tammy can call if she wants to, I’ll always love Lisa and her sisters, but I am out of that family! And as Tom said, I’m in Arizona now. They don’t have anything to do with my day-to-day life and I’m 3000 miles away. Well, I don’t care if I’m 1 mile away or 3000 miles away. I will not have anything to do with such lying, vicious people.

Lisa said she feels this is all her fault. I reassured her it was not her fault. She couldn’t know and she’s not responsible for other people’s actions.

I can understand, though, how she could easily feel it is her fault. Right now I’m saying to myself - You should’ve known better! You should’ve known you’d totally regret it if you let Larry back into your life 5 years ago. This is your fault, cuz if you’d only not let him re-enter your life, he would never have gotten the chance to fuck with you one last time. Yes, I shouldn’t have let him back into my life since I already knew just what kind of guy he is, but I’m not responsible for the things he’s said and done.

Oh, little Larry! Sometimes I wonder why it couldn’t have been your dad who died in the truck wreck. Why did it have to be you and not him? If someone just had to die, why did it have to be you?

Later…

I decided that yes, the only way to curb this anger and anxiety would be to give Larry one last piece of my mind so that’s exactly what I did in my final letter to him. I only hope and pray to God that he reads it, even if he sends a nasty letter or makes a nasty phone call in response to it. As soon as I typed this letter up, I already felt so much better. I begged God to please make sure he reads this letter as I do not want to have to spend my life being angry about this, too, on top of other things I spent years being angry over that I either did not or could not deal with. I had to get my anger out and the only way I could do so was to speak my mind to him. I don’t know if he’ll return this letter to me unopened or if he’ll refuse to read the letter, but I hope not.

Woke up at 116½. Still eating two meals a day, plus popcorn or crackers, and still feeling much better. I’m not hungry every second and I’ve got more energy. Still walking twice a day for 15 minutes, too.

I had my weekly, long chat with Andy. He’s still at Red Lobster. Marla asked me how his job was going, and I asked him about it. He said he’s still in training and not bringing in any real money yet. He said he can’t memorize their menu to save his life. He said it’s not a difficult menu either, it’s just that he’s got a mental block. He’s sick of being a waiter and doesn’t want to wait on one more table in his life, but what will he do? What can he do instead? He has no interests. The only things that interest him are the impossible. It’s like he’s the old me. All he wants to do is things he could never do.

When I read back on how I said I swore I was destined to be a singer in my earlier journals, I feel so embarrassed for myself. How naïve! How could I have ever believed for a millisecond that I could make it as a singer even if I was a 10+, could deal with the lifestyle and hold a schedule, liked people and traveling? Please! It was never ever meant to be. Not any more than a child or woman was meant to be.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that things don’t necessarily have to happen for a reason. Most things do, but not all things. Just because God gives someone a voice, doesn’t mean he wants them to be a singer professionally. Just because God sends a woman a wonderful guy, after she’d been alone or with a woman for about a decade, and thought she’d always be that way, doesn’t mean he wants her to have kids. God just simply wanted me to be loved, and to be loved by a guy. And he wanted me to love in return, and he wanted me to love a guy.

He was telling me about a neighbor girl and before he really got into it, I asked him what drugs she did, since I know he loves a druggie like I love a rodent. Well, she does hard-core stuff and is now in jail for having a home drug-making lab. I worry about him. What if he goes down with these kinds of people?

Nonetheless, I feel bad for Andy. He’s in such a rut and is so confused and trapped feeling. He wants David, but he doesn’t want to go back east. He wants a career change but doesn’t know what to do. He wants to quit pot again but is afraid it’ll lead to his turning to alcohol.

I told him about the shit that went down with my folks and Larry. I kind of figured he’d, well, not side with them, but still. He tends to naturally veer towards the other side and not be supportive of me, although he was supportive of me, and as he said, I’m gonna do what I gotta do anyway. He said it’s sad that it’s come to me cutting them out of my life. I see what he’s saying, but the relief of having them out of my life overrides any sadness at this point. After all I’ve gone through with them year after year, and after speaking my mind to Mom, Dad, and Larry, all I feel now is peace.

We also talked about Michelle (you know how Andy loves to discuss others and how only a small portion of what he talks about concerns himself). He feels it’s sad that Michelle’s willing to work where she’s working for the rest of her life cuz she’s got a crush on her boss Helen. I told him that I didn’t see anything wrong with that if she’s happy, responsibly holding a job, and earning some money. And what’s not to say that someone will come and sweep her off her feet at some point in her life whether she works there or not?

I had started to print out my journals. Got the first 20 printed but decided it’s not really necessary to print out past or current journals. I have handwritten past journals and backup copies of both my past and current ones, but I’ll hang onto what I’ve printed out so far. I may want to continue on with it someday.

It’s been great next door. No dog. No door slams. This is the quietest summer yet. It seems each summer they get quieter and each winter they get noisier. The fucks have been here through 3 summers and two winters so far. It’s just great with that fucking black cock out of the picture.