Tom’s at Mary’s now putting up some blinds.

Earlier we had Ratsy out on the bed. I brought him to the bed in the ball, and it was so cute how he’d go exploring around the bed and then run back into the ball for a few seconds and repeat the scenario again.

We were talking about modifying Ratsy’s cage so he could have more space. Guess that cute little white wired, fuchsia-based cage was a waste after all. Right now I have him in the birdcage that Tweety was in when he was given to us. He loves to climb the perches and bars. Like the mice, he’s pretty much nocturnal. The pig and rabbit are up on and off day and night. Same with Tweety, although when left outside at night, Tweety’s as silent as can be. He never moves. He’s like a statue out there at night. Anyway, we may find a way to connect the white wire cage to the birdcage he’s in now. Meanwhile, Tom’s still gonna look for a cheap aquarium at a yard sale.

We also went to screw around earlier, and I just couldn’t do it. I just feel that mixing sex with the relationship would just bring back all the arguments and trouble and feelings of inadequacy. The two just don’t mix. Not only was I afraid I’d be returning to a destructive cycle if we screwed, I just couldn’t get in the mood. It seems that quitting smoking didn’t just stunt my metabolism, it stunted my sexual appetite, too. Tom’s been very patient, though, and feels that things will change and that my appetite will return. Of course, I have mixed emotions about that. Tom also seems to have as little desire for sex as I do, although he says differently. Guess we all really do deal with things differently. Maybe he really is horny all the time like he says, but it’s just not him to always say so and show it.

I just hope old times don’t return as far as my being a little nympho. I don’t want to want the full-time sex I could never have, and I don’t want to ever return to wanting a child, either. There’s nothing like wanting something you can’t have/handle. Except for my weight, I’ve never been more at peace with myself and with life in general. I want to keep it this way.

Speaking of weight - I’ve made a decision. This nearly starving myself just to stay the same weight has taken its toll on me. I’ve decided to go to two meals a day, plus a bowl of popcorn, or a few crackers for snacks. It’s not like I’m young, single, or looking to go topless dancing. I believe Tom will love me either way so it’s OK if I get fatter and I have no problem with letting that happen. I just won’t be able to rock at some point.

The funny thing about it is that Tom says I’ll lose weight this way. He said he saw a weight loss show on TV and they were saying that the reason why people don’t lose weight is cuz they stop eating. I don’t know, but I guess it’s got something to do with food acting as fat-burning fuel. He said that the more you eat, the faster your metabolism is. I asked him what about those who gorge themselves, and he said that there is a limit to how much the body can burn off. Well, maybe this is how it works for some people, but not for me. I’m going to gain weight for sure and if I didn’t, I sure as hell won’t lose weight on two 300-calorie meals a day. I have no metabolism and my body hangs onto everything it eats.

It’s just that I miss the days when I didn’t worry about what I ate. I’m sick of having to watch every little bite I eat and be so fucking hungry 95% of the time. So, let the pounds come!

The postcard that Larry should get Monday or Tuesday, oughta take him by surprise. I don’t hate my brother or his family, I just think it’s all for the best. That way I won’t have to keep questioning our relationship if there is no relationship between us to begin with.

I know Larry, though. I know how people can lie and get spiteful when cut off by someone, so I wouldn’t put it past him to talk bad about me and lie about me to Lisa, but I’m sure Lisa has a mind of her own and that anything he might say, will have nothing to do with her and I.

I’m not too sure what was going on at the freeloaders' place. It’s been peaceful. No music or shit like that, but a couple of hours ago I heard door slams that were in the carport, and of course, I worry that it’s him returning since it’s inevitable. I ran and looked and saw a black boy of about 8 years of age and an adult black guy, but only for a second. It looked for a second like the little one had a basketball in its hands and that they were gonna start a ball game, but then they walked out of sight, a white car I’ve seen a lot over there pulled out of the carport, and that’s been it so far.