Woke up at 118. And I was so sure I’d lost another pound or two. Tom says I probably have, but due to where I am in my cycle, it’s hard to tell with a pound or two of water gain. He said comparing my weight on a daily basis won’t tell me as much as a monthly comparison will. A month ago at this time, I was heavier and my measurements were up a bit, so that spells progress. Once again - let myself gain weight. It’s how I feel that matters to me at this point, although he thinks I will lose weight if I keep eating as I have been and keep up with the walking. He says it’ll just take time. It’s nice to actually get full and not be able to finish some of my TV dinners. I save the rest for later, though. I don’t throw them out.

So, will tomorrow be the day that Larry calls? I believe he’ll either read the letter and call about it or send it back to me. I doubt he’d not read it and not call. Well, there’s nothing he can say to me at this point that’ll bring back that stress and anger, let alone get me to kiss and make up with him. We each said our piece and that’s it. There’s nothing left to do or say. My parents and he are a closed chapter in my life. They’re just like old friends I used to have and old people I used to know. They’re just like Jenny C, Jessie S, Monte from Shopper’s Drug, etc. They’re just old friends/acquaintances from the past. From a life I once had 3000 miles away.

I could still kick myself for letting Larry back into my life. Well, as he’ll see, he’s had the wrong idea if he thinks I’m gonna do it all again and fight with him a decade and 3000 miles later.

Later…

Tom tells me that he’s married to me for life whether he’s happy or not. He claims that not having sex makes him unhappy, even if he doesn’t bitch about it constantly.

I feel kind of stuck here. I want the old me back, but I don’t. I don’t want to return to wanting sex or a kid. I just don’t need the trouble it brings and his appetite’s too low to be wanting it much. I still feel that the more we keep the sex out of the relationship, the better off we are. Also, I have no desire anymore for a child, thank God. I prayed for years to be like I am now and not want a kid. I don’t want to want stuff that can never be, and I don’t want to drive myself crazy by fighting for something that’s not meant to be.

If I went back to wanting a kid (not that it’s a switch that I can control) I’d just be wanting the impossible once again and something I could never handle in the first place. And if I went back to wanting full-time sex, I’d just be wanting something I could only have once every week or two and that’d be pretty shitty most of the time. Or sort of boring. Sex is never as we fantasize. It’s always better in our fantasies. Most of the time it is, anyway.