OK, now I’ll get into the shit that’s gone on. Let me just start by saying that when Tammy went to Florida a couple of summers ago when Mom and Dad pulled their shit by taking their problems with me to her, etc., I told them that if they step out of line one more time, I’m gone for good. No more making up a few months down the line. Well, they did step out of line. Therefore, they’re now a permanently closed chapter in my life and I don’t care how often they come begging for me or how often they try to get through others to get attention from me. I’m really sure that my walking away from Mom, Dad, and Larry is what’s best for everybody. No, Larry didn’t do anything. There’s no connection between him and Mom and Dad. It’s simply what I feel would be best. I’ll talk to Tammy occasionally, Lisa can call me whenever she wants to, and that’s it. That’s all I can deal with anymore. The more people from my past I disassociate myself with, the more I can move on. Things go fine for a while, then as soon as I say something they don’t agree with, they pitch a fucking fit and act as if I may as well have killed someone. The having problems with these people on and off for 32 years has taken its toll on me and I should’ve cut them off years ago. Of course, if I’d cut them out of my life before 1992, I wouldn’t be here now. That’s about the only really good thing they ever did for me was sending me out here. Well, they say there’s a time for everything and now it’s definitely time to rid myself of these negative, moody, emotional, narrow-minded, arrogant, selfish little people. This couldn’t have happened at a better time, too, cuz I really did not want to go to Florida, and he was only gonna go for the same reasons I was gonna go. So it’s no loss to either of us.

This is how it all started, but first - if only Bill knew just how lucky he is that I didn’t find out about his hitting up on Lisa till after I got here. If only I’d known! I’d have taken him out back in the woods behind the dive I was living in in the NHA and I’d have beaten him within inches of death. He’d never again have had the strength to hit a fly!

Lisa called me as soon as she got back home to the problems that were waiting for her return. She was depressed and feeling overwhelmed. She told me that her trip went well enough. Bill kept his paws to himself, but this time, he got at her by way of taunting her about her weight. So if he can’t get at her physically, he gets at her mentally, huh? She’s 5’ 3” and weighs 130 pounds. I asked Tom if someone at that height and weight would be fat. He said probably not. None of the pictures or videos I’ve seen suggest she’s fat, but I told her to tell her father to mind his own business and to look in the mirror. He’s no skinny stud. I told her she could remind her father that it’s the person that counts. Not what they look like.

That’s when I vented to Mom and Dad over AOL and I asked them if they could see past his Jewishness and his great job and see Bill for the child-beating whore he really is. Sure enough, and just as I figured, they said that Bill’s oh so special to them, the things I say he is are lies, don’t bring up the subject again unless I know the whole truth, they thought I was over such venom, and what am I gonna do? Start a vendetta against Bill?

And they played with poor Lisa’s head when she was in Florida by telling them her father loves her. She tried to tell them how he’s a control freak and how she didn’t see how he could love her since he hits her when he can’t get his way, but they wouldn’t hear it. If Bill killed her and was convicted in court, they’d still believe he was an innocent, great guy! They’d go right into denial as they always do when they don’t like the truth or when it’s about something they’re too much of a wimp to deal with.

Then they insist that since even I know Tammy’s known to have lied in the past, she can’t be telling the truth about Bill. I told them yes, Tammy would lie about being an RN and she would exaggerate illnesses, but why would she lie about him cheating on her when she was pregnant with Sarah? And why would she and Lisa lie about his hitting her? I’m too good with people’s character to not believe that Bill could do what he’s done, and I know what Tammy would and wouldn’t lie/exaggerate about.

It’s not just that my parents refuse to see Bill for what he really is, it’s a matter of different times and generations. See, my parents, as well as Bill, were taught that hitting is OK. Hitting is good, actually. So they’re kind of caught up within their own eras. Still, anyone who’s warped enough to believe that violence is love is someone I don’t want in my life whether they’re related to me or not.

As much as Tammy has lied, how can a mother try to pit one of their kids against another? How can she also side with her son-in-law over her daughter? If we had had a kid and if Tom had gone wacko and hit the kid and cheated on me, would they have believed me if I’d told them about it? Tom may not be Jewish and he may not have held the same job for over 20 years, but he’s Jewish enough to them cuz to them, he’s my caretaker. They don’t have to worry about having to take care of me cuz he takes care of me. He’s got a lot to offer them. If he didn’t, that’d be different.

And they say don’t bring up the subject again unless I know the truth which really means, don’t bring up the subject again unless I see it their way. What is the whole “truth,” though, anyway? Even Tammy would like to know that.

She thought I was over such “venom?” Sorry, but I still have opinions, feelings, and beliefs, and if that’s venom, then too bad. As for starting a vendetta against Bill; I’m not gonna do anything to the guy cuz I’ll never see or talk to him again, so I don’t know what they’re so worried about. I’m 3000 miles away (lucky guy!). If I ran into him on the streets, which is highly unlikely out here, then we’d be talking a whole different story and then yes, I’d kill him.

I asked them if they always practice what they preach. They harp on not bringing up the past, but they do anyway. But only when they say so. Only when it’s not something that embarrasses them or something they are always too weak to face. Everything’s them, them, them. They just can’t deal with not having control over people. Everybody’s gotta be just like them at all costs, or else they just can’t handle things. As I told them, they can revert back to their old ways all they want. I have a husband who loves and accepts me as a whole, as I am, and that’s all I need. We don’t have a 1-sided relationship. I told them they can forget about the trip, don’t call me or contact me in any way, and I blocked them out of my email list. It’s not worth checking, but I’m sure they’ve blocked me out, too.

I told them that since they’ve had problems with all of their kids, did they ever think that maybe the problem is them? I told them I agree - Tammy’s a lousy mother, but are they forgetting that they were pretty lousy as parents themselves? And speaking of lying - I’ve caught them in numerous lies. Hell, I’m sure they’re already lying about this shit. I’m sure they’re having Ruth and Marty come running over so they can cry on their shoulders about me and I’m sure they’re saying that they were the ones to dump me. Let them.

As for Larry - I sent him a postcard saying that I guess it’s my turn to do the dumping, but that it’d be for a lot longer than 8 years this time around, and please don’t bother calling. No, he didn’t do anything to me, but what’s the point? I mean just like Jenny C, he’s way in the past, he’s 3000 miles away, and this way I won’t have to keep wondering if I did the right thing. What I mean by that is, he’s funny and all that, but ever since he contacted me in 1993, I’ve been wondering if I did the right thing by accepting him back into my life. Is that really having self-respect? Well, with Mom, Dad, and Larry out of my life, I won’t have to wonder about a lot of things anymore and about doing this, doing that, saying this, saying that, and I’ll be free of having to feel like I’m walking on eggshells around these people. Something no one should have to feel with anybody, related or not. I just don’t like these people. I don’t even like Tammy, but I can at least tolerate her. She doesn’t put demands on me. I don’t want to talk to her very often, we have next to nil in common, but it’s OK if she needs to call me to bitch about life.

Lisa was telling me the other day how Tammy asked her who was the one person that’s always been there for her and Lisa answered by saying, “Aunt Jodi.” That’s sweet of her. Lisa says Tammy really loves me. That’s nice. I mean, whatever.

Later…

An hour ago, I was called about my appointment on Monday with Melanie, but it wasn’t Melanie who called. It was Trisha, Tisha, or whatever her name is.

Ratsy is still sort of shy, but I managed to get him out for a few seconds today. He still mainly prefers to come to the door of his cage and look out, but that’s about it. He’s not eager to jump into my hands or the ball that small critters roam around in.

Later…

Does this ever get any easier? The one TV dinner a day, plus some popcorn or some graham crackers, just to maintain the same weight, is so fucking hard!

Tom called from Mary’s cuz he remembered when he got there that Ma has a doctor’s appointment to go to, so he won’t be in for a couple more hours.