Tom’s out now taking care of God’s favorite work to sic us with - car trouble. It’ll be in the dealer’s shop for a day or two, so we’re gonna be getting a rental car ourselves. Sometimes it feels like we’re never gonna get ahead. I mean, I know there are people older than us with much less than we have, and that we’ve come a long way financially, and that we’ll progress even more in time, but we’re middle-aged now and stuck with two dumpy houses and two shitty cars. This is like 20s kind of thing. I thought that most folks should be doing better than that by the time they reached their 30s and 40s. I kind of feel like we’re the underdogs of both our families. Everyone else has the better houses, the better cars, the better jobs, and their sex and sex parts were probably never hexed, either (except for Mary). I know I’m being a bit selfish and spoiled by saying these things. Some people don’t even have the two shitty houses and cars to begin with. I sure as hell had nothing but a dumpy apartment and no car or pool at one time, so I shouldn’t complain. This is heaven compared to what I used to have.

One thing I’ve really learned over the years is just how blessing and cursing God can be. He threw me from one problem to another. Took me out of the cigarette problem and into a weight problem. They say the first year is always the toughest when it comes to a major change. I wish accepting and adapting to my new weight took just 4 months like it took me to adapt to not smoking. Acceptance will come in time as long as I don’t push it. I’ve had to accept several things in the past and I can accept a life of fatness, too. I have no choice. I have to, cuz this fat’s not going anywhere. I will never ever be thin again and I tell myself that every day to help drill reality and acceptance into me. I try to remind myself that it’s the person that counts. I’m still me with the same old heart and soul underneath this big body and I can still lead a happy, productive life as a big person.

I sent Andy a phone card which I’m sure he’ll use within the first hour he receives it, along with a letter. I threw in some encouraging words for him and reminded him that if true love is meant to be, we don’t have to go out looking for it. It’ll come to us. I also copied in an excerpt from 1988 (one of our prank phone calling sprees), and one about Melanie.

Speaking of Melanie, I wonder if she’ll be the one to call me this Wednesday to remind me of our Thursday appointment. She calls me on Fridays to remind me of our usual Monday appointments cuz it’s obviously convenient for her to do so on Fridays and the secretary that’s usually there isn’t there on Fridays. At least I think she isn’t. I’ve never been called by Melanie on any other day other than Friday, so we’ll see, but I doubt it’ll be her calling on Wednesday.

My ma says she’ll be putting out a trace on that box to see why I didn’t get it. I know why I didn’t get it. I didn’t get it cuz it was misdelivered and the person that got the box isn’t about to return it to me. Must be my punishment for opening and keeping the bitch’s mail. But the punishment doesn’t seem to fit the crime. She got basically junk mail. We’re talking about objects for me.

It’s a good thing I was up at 9:30 PM on the 4th. That way I could see the fireworks they usually have at the fairgrounds from out back and not be woken up by them.

I wouldn’t let Tom touch me yesterday and he didn’t even ask to. He didn’t need to. Not with his fears and his preferring to take care of himself.

Later…

Oh great! This is just fucking great. God, get this dude off my ass and into a job that he can keep for more than a week! Yeah, Andy just left a message. He’s gonna sell some CDs cuz he needs the money, wants to know if I want to go with him to sell CDs of my own, and then he wants to come over and go swimming and get fed. He says he has to beg. Well, why doesn’t he just put down the weed and phone and go out and get a job?

Maybe this sounds cruel since he helped me when I needed it, but I’m gonna leave him a message later saying I was asleep when he called. I just don’t want to give in to him cuz then he’ll make a habit of it and we don’t have much food here. As I’ll tell him, I don’t have much food cuz although I may not be able to get back down to 100 pounds, I don’t want to go above 120-125 pounds, either. Meanwhile, I don’t have any CDs to sell, and he can use the pool whenever he wants. Just don’t knock on the door if there’s no answer, and keep the gate shut so Bunny doesn’t get out. I’ll also let him know a phone card is on its way to him since the phone is as important to him as food.

Later…

Andy just left another message, chewing away on the phone since I’ve asked him not to do that cuz it’s so gross, saying he’s gonna come over to go swimming, but won’t knock on the door. He better shut that gate and not let Bunny out. Maybe I’ll go out when I hear him out there and say I just got up, but he’s not getting any of our food. He’s a big boy and he’s not disabled in the way I am with a scheduling problem and he’s not a retard like Fran, so he has to get off his own ass and get a job and learn to shut up and keep it. I’m sick of his pestering me with the phone and I’ll be damned now if he thinks he can turn our kitchen into a restaurant. I guess he got his neighbor to feed him and is gonna go food shopping later with the CD money. He also says he’ll be over to use the pool in two hours, which really means 4 or none at all.

Later…

I just left Andy a message lecturing him about getting a job in a loving, positive, yet firm way. I told him he could use the pool anytime as long as he doesn’t knock on the door when he gets no answer by phone and as long as he shuts the gate, but no food. I’m also leaving the clothes I’ll never be thin enough again to wear (or at least not in the near future) for him to give to Laura. I may or may not pop out to say hi to him when and if he gets here.

Later…

Andy’s still not here. Let me guess, he just said he was gonna come use the pool in the hopes of playing phone with me, huh? Well, he either shows up to use the pool or he doesn’t, but he just better remember not to knock if he wants to stay alive cuz Tom’s crashed on the living room couch.

Sometimes I feel that if I don’t hear from Andy for at least a year, it’ll be too soon.

The thought of having to go hungry for the rest of my life just to maintain the same weight, which is still 20 pounds too much for me, is a bit depressing. I try not to let it get me down since there’s nothing I can do about it and since being bummed about it won’t change it. It’s either go hungry on just a bite a day or keep gaining weight till I’m like my sister at 200 pounds.

I wonder if it’ll storm tonight. It’s very windy out now. The wind’s blowing in a steady stream like a giant fan blowing.