And here I am stuck for the fourth day! I wonder if going off schedule has anything to do with it. Since being up since 2 PM, I’ve had only about 700 calories in food and about 300 in coffee. Tomorrow I hope to eat less.

I get bored a lot and I wish I had projects to do every day, and I don’t mean the usual work projects like housecleaning. I mean something fun like hunting for wallpaper. There are only so many sites, though. I could get totally into fantasy games, but I just can’t, cuz it’s never “real” enough for me. If only I could see fantasy through the eyes I had as a child when realism and perfection didn’t matter. I wish I had the enthusiasm and determination I had as a kid. As a kid, I’d turn looking for the calorie counter site I can’t seem to find into a fun, challenging and exciting game. Now, I just don’t have the patience to be bothered with it.

Did my first drawing of the century that came out somewhat decent. It’s of a face. I know I could get to be pretty good if only I could bring myself to practice regularly, but once again, it’s not something I have the patience to be consistent with.

Tom came out and told me he’s a new man as of today. His attitude and habits are going to change, he says, and he’s taking his not feeling well for the last couple of weeks as a sign. He says he’s not necessarily going to succeed in whatever he does, and he’s not saying he won’t do things he did in the past, but he’s not going to keep on going as he always has. One of the things he’s mainly going to concentrate on is better eating habits. Well, I don’t buy it. He may eat better to suit himself, but if I went back to being the wife who once cried for her husband to get help so they could at least try to have a kid, he’d be 100% totally selfish. He’ll never cum again, and if he does, it won’t be very often at all, and he’ll never want a kid or to deal with the issue of his not cumming. He’ll always be the way he is when it comes to sex and a kid, but that’s OK. I don’t want a kid, and even if I did, his happiness is what’s most important to me in this day and age. I can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do, even if he should’ve been more honest about things. Meanwhile, if he wants to sacrifice cumming with me for fear of impregnating me – let him, if it makes him happy and comfortable.

Even if I could get pregnant at the snap of my fingers – I know it’d be the wrong thing to do. I know I’d only be miserable as well as a shitty mom. I’d rather be bored, than not have a life. Also, life’s hard enough and expensive enough as it is.

He also says he’s gonna organize his office again and get going with the yard work. Yeah, but for how long? This guy’s notorious for not sticking to things and doing only part of a job. Let’s see him stick to things and be more thorough for a change.

Speaking of not being consistent – I’m still working out, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to keep motivated. Especially with this very major setback. I feel these last 3 months have been a complete waste of time. All that hard work, just to gain so little, then lose it. When am I ever going to work hard for something and get results? I mean really get results. I don’t mind hard work. It’s when my hard work doesn’t pay off that I’ve got a problem. If hard work didn’t pay off for me occasionally, that’d be one thing, but we’re talking many times. So many times I’ve worked so hard for so little or for nothing at all. It gets old. Really old. People are dreaming when they say that you have to work for the things you want in life. Oh, yeah? Then why am I still fat? I would’ve worked to lose weight and I did work to lose the weight, but God’s just determined as ever to deny me control of my own body. If I’ve said it once, I’ll say it a thousand times – no, God does not help those who help themselves.