I forgot to mention that a few days after I began my picture communication thing, I shredded the pictures and hung it up. Why? Oh, I don’t know. That was my past life and I guess I just wanted to leave it there.

The well drilling rig left deep trenches in the dirt due to how heavy it was and how soft the dirt is here, so Tom decided to use that to his advantage and dig a huge hole in the ground to bury our trash. Yeah, I figured he’d never dump the trash on nearby land. Always gotta be a good boy. Anyway, as long as he gets the job done and does it thoroughly, that’s fine with me. Just get the fucking trash out of here for once and for all, I say, and get all the stuff we don’t have shed space for gathered in a neat pile, rather than strewn all around the house.

He’s doing it, he said, cuz he made a promise. Yeah, half a year ago. Although I have my doubts about this “new man” thing, time will tell just how serious he is about sticking to things, keeping his word, eating better, etc.

Yesterday I was absolutely miserable with the allergies again. I just could not stop sneezing and my nose was both stopped up and runny. I had to lie sitting up in bed so my nose wouldn’t get completely blocked. One side was completely blocked, though, and when I went to blow it real hard, it caused shooting pain in my ear. How can God keep watching me go through this time and time again? What did I do to deserve this? Am I really going to have these attacks every 2-3 weeks for the rest of my life? And if not, what will God replace me with? Frequent migraines? Something worse? I don’t understand why just because I no longer have wheezing attacks I have to have allergies instead. Can’t I just get rid of a problem and not trade it in for a new one?

I’d also like to know how I could have just 1000 calories like I did yesterday, yet still weigh what I weighed yesterday; 118 pounds. I should’ve lost a pound or two with how little I ate. And of course, I’m stuck again. I shit a little yesterday, so that means I’m not allowed to today. I probably won’t be able to tomorrow, either. Tom insists you can diet and lose weight even if you only shit a few times a week, but I disagree. I think it’s a major factor in making it hard for me to lose the weight. It’s that, age and God. Also, a smoker’s heart beats faster and they usually have a higher metabolism. One of these days I’m gonna quit this shit and forget about measurements and weight and just “live my life.”

Later...

Got up at 9:00, so I’m 12 hours away from being on a schedule. If the military will take just one more week off, I should have it made. Then it’s just a matter of dodging the storms.

We’re still planning on bombing this weekend, and Tom says he hopes to have all 3 doors porched by the end of the year. Keep dreaming, I told him. There’s no way we can do all that that soon, plus get a thousand-dollar above-ground shallow pool by next summer, too. We’re gonna start with a little pool before we go for the diving pool. The diving pool costs way more and would take much longer to get, and couldn’t be used as often as a small pool. The small pool has less water, so it’ll heat up more easily. We’re gonna build the pool first, then build the Arizona room around it. It’d be too hard to build the pool inside of something.

I’m almost done with the first story I printed out. The one I bought for $4. I hope I like the free story I printed, cuz I won’t have anything to read if I don’t. A part of me thinks I might be better off going to used bookstores like usual. That way I don’t have to spend the money on paper and ink to print books out, and I can’t use eBooks to trade for credit.

Tom showed absolutely no interest or desire for sex this weekend either, yet he did other tasks that were just as physical. I know this may be an unfortunate thing to feel, but I’m glad he didn’t want it cuz I never want it anymore. I don’t need another boring, predictable and pitiful performance by Tom.

He buried some of the trash over the weekend and says he’s nervous about tomorrow’s follow-up appointment with the regular doctor and the cardiologist. He said that although he’s sure they’ll tell him the rest of the tests came out negative, he’s still nervous about the cancer part of it. I don’t sense cancer for either one of us, I told him. I hope I turn out right; that this is just psychological due to stress, rather than a serious physical illness.

I decided, for once and for all, to accept what isn’t destined to be and to use what is meant to be in a positive way. Being skinny at 100 pounds will never be, but it’s about time I took this bigness and turned it into something positive like muscle. Tom and Mary think I’m thin, but they’re just too kind. Either that or they just don’t see me as I see me.

Yesterday, when I was bitching to Tom about how I haven’t had any more “hotspots” for quite a while, he suggested I increase my weights. I didn’t know I was supposed to do that, but he said that I should. Hmmm…could this be why my lower back and backs and fronts of my thighs went down right away, then nothing else changed? Well, either way, I’ve decided to get into all-out bodybuilding. I’m going to steadily increase my weights by 5-pound increments till I can lift no more. Meanwhile, I’m through with the calorie game, and as Tom suggested, I’m through with scales and measuring tapes. I’m big, I always will be, so let’s just see if I can turn my 3-5 extra inches into muscle and get rid of all this jiggly flab! As for my fat face and neck, I’m stuck with it for life, but we can either struggle at things we’re not meant to have, or we can make the best of what we are meant to have. Things could be worse. At least I’m not a pitifully ugly 250-pound thing like that black bitch in Phoenix was. My face may have an underlying geekiness to it, but at least I still have nice eyes. My eyes are big and my eyelashes are long. My nose, although a bit long, is a good size for my face, and my teeth are straighter. I just have a small mouth and a long chin.

Tom says that building my muscles up even more will make my outer layer of fat go away, but I know this isn’t true. I used to think that building muscle ate the fat around it, but that’s not so. There’s no connection. As I build muscle underneath, my outer layer of fat will still remain, but that’s OK at this point. I’m through striving for the impossible. I’m gonna take and use what I can and make the best of what’s possible and available to me.