I made my Tuesday call to Sharon. Thank God she has a call-in line with an answering machine, or else getting the call made would be an all-day task with the way she loves to babble and ramble on.

Although I haven’t had any allergy attacks since around the 15th, I’m still having Tom make me an appointment about that and the asthma. I figured I better hurry up and do it now before the court, counseling and community service appointments build up, making it harder for me to find the time to schedule appointments. I’m still pretty sure there’s not much they can do to help me, and if there is, God will compensate me for it with a new problem.

While I was in jail I said to myself, you need a whole new life. A serious life change. Go for the invitro as soon as this shit is over, if it ever is, when you’re financially on track. I thought that maybe if I were bogged down with a kid, I wouldn’t have time to think of the assholes that have fucked me over. I wouldn’t have time to seethe with anger. I wouldn’t have time to want to write letters. I mean, with this shit that’s happened, I can restrain myself from acting on any desires like that, but I should get more responsibility, I told myself. Well, that was easy to say when I was in jail. The reality is still the same – that even if Tom and God allowed me to have a child, which I know there’s no way they would, I couldn’t handle it. I’d be the worst mother on earth and the last thing I’d ever want to do is follow in Dureen and Tammy’s footsteps. Although I’ve never been a mother and never will be, I can imagine how much easier it is to say you’re not going to abuse your kids, than it is to stick to it once they get to be a real pain in the ass. I’m sure Dureen and Tammy never set out with the intention of being abusive. I’m sure they didn’t sit down and say to themselves – I’m gonna slap my kids around, make them feel like scum of the earth, etc. It just happens. And aside from all that, that would mean my freedom, if we had a kid, where I’d never again have just 5 minutes to myself. I know the kid would come between me and Tom and put a damper on the things we do. So, knowing how tough and expensive life is with just the two of us, I’d rather be bored 75% of the time like I am. I’d also prefer not to go to court for the freeloaders who harassed me but imagine doing this with a kid? Good, God!

Tom was going to make a frame for his dry-erase board using some material that was leftover, but the frame that’s around our doorways isn’t wood. It’s paper, like cardboard. How flimsy these paper walls are. The only wood is in the floor and exterior walls, besides the cabinets and doors.

Tom fixed the bird clock the other day. I thought it was broken like most of our shit ends up being, but I guess the batteries were just dead and the thing needed resetting.

Later...

If there’s any good news to report in all this bullshit, sending the tape to Larry, even though I know there’s a damn good chance he didn’t listen to it, has curbed my rage towards him as I had hoped. I’m not even furious at Tammy for the lies she wrote/told Tom, cuz she’s always been a habitual liar, anyway, although I’d sure love to give her a piece of my mind. If the law weren’t against me I’d send her a note.

Meanwhile, as for the Mexican-n-black side of it, the odds are stacked against me big time cuz of the way the laws are so black and white nowadays. The laws judge people in one big lump and never individually. Years ago, no one believed a woman when she said she was raped, but now she’s automatically believed. There’s no middle ground. Well, in court, minorities always get the benefit of the doubt. I guess it’s to make up for how the blacks were slaves and how they had no rights years and years ago. It’s a bad time to be a majority. In this day and age, the courts always side with the blacks and especially the blacks cuz they can’t handle shit when things don’t go their way. They have to take a tizzy fit and go rioting instead.

I forgot to say this earlier, but when we returned from the hardware store, there were a couple of cottontails by the house. So cute! Tom says there’s a whole family of them living nearby.