Getting up at 6:30 this morning wasn’t that easy. I snoozed till 7:00, and I’m like - you fucking, mother-fucking freeloaders! Still disrupting my life. Still interfering with the way I live. Still controlling me. If it weren’t for those sick fucks, I wouldn’t have to be doing this! Joely N – always with you, always with me. Debra V – always with you, always with me. Aaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

Woke up to a cloudy day. The sun’s just starting to poke through the clouds. Last night the monsoons returned and we had a half-hour storm with lots of dust, wind, thunder, rain, and flashing lightning like a strobe light flickering that was almost obnoxious. I’ve never seen anything like it in the East.

We didn’t screw yesterday, not to my surprise, cuz we just did it last Thursday, so I knew he wouldn’t be in the mood to do it again so soon, and neither of us wanted it bad enough to make the time for it earlier in the day before we tired out with the day’s activities (he worked on the yard and I worked out and cleaned during bingo commercials online).

The only reason we screwed Thursday was that I suggested on Tuesday we get together. That’s when he said he was thinking of Thursday (like hell he was), and as usual, he’s always got to plan ahead when it comes to sex. He can’t just do it. He also claimed, after being on top for barely a minute, that I was too dry and tight and he wasn’t even able to get inside, but I know this wasn’t so. I wasn’t dry or tight and he was in there, he just wasn’t all that hard cuz he couldn’t get into it and wasn’t really in the mood to screw. Why does he have to blame me for his lack of desire? Can’t he just tell me when he’s not in the mood before we screw? And couldn’t he have informed me of his intentions back when I wanted a kid? He’s now claiming that the reason he said he wanted a kid, saw how much I wanted one and was a wreck emotionally, yet did nothing to help us by allowing us to go to a doctor, was because of all the shit that was going on in our lives (mainly the blacks/Mexicans). He said he had to use his best judgment and prioritize things. Well, I’m still mighty glad we didn’t have a kid in Phoenix, but couldn’t he have told me this and that he wanted to wait? At the same time what he did makes sense, I also see it as just another one of his lame excuses.

I also let him know that he’s never to cum with me again. He’s either gonna cum regularly or not at all. He’s not gonna insult me with a squirt here and a squirt there like giving a waitress pennies for a tip. I let him know he doesn’t have to worry about a kid, cuz I not only don’t want one, but I don’t want one with someone who doesn’t want one either, and I don’t care what he’s had to say about it over the years. I know this isn’t just about pressure, neighbors, money, moving, etc. It’s about fear of impregnating me cuz he doesn’t want the expense/burden of a kid, and cuz he doesn’t think I couldn’t handle it. He’s probably right. Those things cause more problems than joy and they can’t sit still and shut up for more than a minute. Having a kid is no longer the issue. I don’t want that and am fine without it. The issue is his lies, excuses and the way he handled things in the past, and damn you, God, for letting it all happen! Damn you to hell for letting me go through the emotional turmoil I went through for years! Why did I ever have to go through the years I did of wanting a kid in the first place when you knew you’d never allow me one? Just having Art and Doe for parents is enough of a lifelong punishment, but you couldn’t stop there, could you? You had to include Brattleboro, then add Valleyhead, the health problems, etc. Just one of these things would’ve been enough trouble to last me a lifetime!

I had to rescue poor Ratsy last night. It’s a good thing I was close enough to be able to hear him. I was in the bedroom when I heard him squawking, and ran out to find that he got his leg caught between the rungs of his wheel. It wasn’t easy to free him cuz he was squirming in a panic, but I managed to, nonetheless, and he seems fine now. He just had quite a scare.