Tom’s doctor called today to let him know that his cholesterol and blood sugar are OK, although they’re not done with the blood tests. Now I’m even more convinced his problems are psychological, brought on by stress and fear. I’m not saying that he didn’t have the aches and pains he said he had, I’m just saying there was no physical cause for it. Better to be psychological, though, than some serious physical illness. It’s quite a coincidence and quite ironic that all my vibes/gut instincts about him have been right on the nose. If I’m right about this being nothing more than a psychological defense against doing things he doesn’t want to do, then I’m doubly sure I’m right about his not wanting a kid and his knowingly and intentionally trying to hurt, tease, control and manipulate me with sex. If I were him and my wife expressed the beliefs she expressed, I’d want to do everything I could to prove her wrong, yet it seems he wants to prove me right. I wouldn’t care at this point if we never had sex again, and sex is sex no matter when you have it, but I’ll bet you anything he won’t initiate it till Sunday. New man my ass! And although I say let him, I’ll bet he’ll take advantage of the vibe I shared with him, which is that he’ll never cum again. At least not with me he won’t. That’ll be the excuse he needs to carry on as he has, and he’ll be like – well since she already believes I’ll never cum again, I won’t, cuz I don’t want to anyway.

I still don’t get why he goes to these extremes and sacrifices, but if he’s happy, and I know he is, so be it. It’s just a shame that my strong man is also so weak and stubborn. You’d think that after 7 years, he’d finally admit that he never wanted the expense and burdens of a child, but maybe after 10 years, he will. Or maybe it’ll take 15, but truthfully, deep down, I don’t believe he’ll ever come clean on that issue. I’ve tried to get it through to him that it’s OK to feel the way he does. His feelings were never wrong, but his lying about them was. You don’t tell a woman who wants a kid that you do too, and that you plan to cum, when you know damn well you don’t and you won’t. I tried to tell him that I’ve been OK with not having a kid for a few years now. Yeah, I think about it from time to time and I’m curious about it, but I’d rather wonder about it than take on something I know I couldn’t handle and wouldn’t be happy with. As I said before, life is expensive and troublesome enough without a third party involved and dragged into things.

He went to see his mom and she gave me a pin cushion this time around. That’s all well and good, but what about snaps and elastic? That’s what I really need to begin my sewing adventures.

I’m back under 120 pounds and that means I’m stuck again. What, am I gonna shit once every 4 days now? That’ll make losing weight easier. So I guess my body’s gonna hold onto everything it gets till it’s back to 122 pounds. Well, it’s gonna have quite a wait, cuz it ain’t getting more than 800 calories a day.

I finally heard from Paula. Her letter was very brief and she didn’t say much. Just that she’s moving (what else is new?), is hanging out at a lake, had her 33rd birthday, has been getting my letters, and Justin’s soon to turn 9. She never mentioned my pictures, seeing anyone, or Tom, but she did send a couple of recent pictures. She’s right. She is fat now. Not huge like the liar in Phoenix or like Andy’s friends Michelle and Donna, but still, you can see it even in her jeans and her jacket. It’s the worst I’ve ever seen her, but hey, she has had kids and she is over 30. Her hair was only about as long as mine, but she still has a nice face. She may be bigger, but she seems to have escaped the big face and neck that I got. She also still looks younger than her age, whereas I started looking my age once I got into my 30s.

Why the fuck won’t she send me those pictures from when we were neighbors like she said she would and like I’ve asked her? I give up. She doesn’t want to send them, obviously, and she never said a word about it. What is it with people’s nature to not admit or deny things they don’t want to do? Anyway, I took a few shots of myself in the bathroom mirror and am sending her those, along with a letter. I put a couple of pictures on the back of the envelope, too. One of the rainbow, and some neat stormy cloud formations.