Happy 23rd anniversary to us!!! Unfortunately, he has to work and I’m still not feeling the greatest. I didn’t actually start getting “stabbed” in the chest with anxiety until eight hours into my day yesterday. Five hours of anxiety might still be a bit much (it stopped around the time he came home, not surprisingly), but it’s better than feeling it all day long like I sometimes do. Right now I’m just borderline where it’s kind of bubbling below the surface and I’m doing what I can to keep it from rearing its ugly head… EFT, eating foods with tryptophan, deep breathing, etc.

I slept a little longer last night but I’m a touch tired if only because anxiety is tiring. We’re pretty sure that the “neck knockers” where I sometimes feel the pulse on the side of my neck and some of the head rushes could be due to high blood pressure. We took my BP when I got up and the top number was 157. But then I took some deep breaths and brought it down to around 130. I don’t normally have high blood pressure. We think it’s just up because my anxiety is up. I always knew there was a connection with those neck knockers, inward trembling and shit like that.

We’re still researching homeopathic doctors. The question will be finding one that our insurance covers in a country that doesn’t believe in universal healthcare. I definitely don’t want to pay out-of-pocket for it with no guarantees. If I knew for sure that it would help, then yes, I’d give our life savings and just about anything else. Never before in my life have my emotions not matched my life. Anytime I would be stressed out or depressed in the past it was because something bad was going on. All this hormonal shit didn’t exist before a few years ago, and where I’ve always looked ahead and sometimes wished I could jump the hands of time into the future, now I wish I could rewind it back to early 2014.

I just wish I could go back to the days when certain things weren’t so scary. I had a pain in the side of my neck and naturally, it scared the shit out of me. I have a great life with a great husband and it’s sad that I can’t enjoy it to its fullest. My worst problem should be all the traffic and landscaping noise I have to listen to. That should be my worst problem. Not feeling so incredibly hated from above (if there is anything up there) and like I’m not going to survive much longer. We all have our breaking points.

A part of me regrets stopping the clonidine because of the way it would knock me out and make me sleep shitty. I think that was a better form of torture than feeling anxious.

Later…

Had to stop writing because… you guessed it. That strange vibration in my head picked up right along with my anxiety and a weak feeling in my legs, and then I got to spend some quality time on the toilet again with the runs. Not sure what’s causing what, and I suppose the runs could’ve been something I ate if not from anxiety, but it’s getting hard to believe Tom’s assurances. He keeps assuring me I don’t have anything life-threatening, and while the tests I’ve had confirm this, I can’t help but wonder how the hell one can feel so bad and not be dying. Seriously, you feel like you’re about to die.

After I called him and we talked for a few minutes, I took a lorazepam and then sat on the swing in front. This helped me feel a little better but the sunlight was blinding so I came back in and just rested for a while, trying not to wonder if this is the last anniversary we’ll ever have. Yeah, you know that thing about positive thinking? It doesn’t work very well when you’ve felt like utter shit for half a month.

All the rats are looking at me like WTF? I feel too shitty for high-maintenance animals that are a lot of work and responsibility, but even so, I should go give them some attention. At least let them run around a bit. Despite having a cage so big I could nearly stand inside of it, these dog-like creatures are freedom whores.

Just spilled incense ashes all over my desk. I’ve gone from anxious to pissed. I love it.

Later…

Finally, there is a light in the dark! I don’t know if it will last the rest of the day, a week, a month, or more, but I’m enjoying it while it does. After I had a horrible few hours this morning, that weird vibrating sensation in my head backed off, my anxiety and stomach issues eased up, and I began to feel like myself again.

I stepped outside and saw Virginia walking across the street toward her place. She said something about an ambulance coming.

“An ambulance for who?” I asked, worried that something was wrong with Bob. But it was the guy across from her. We’ve exchanged hellos but I don’t know his name. Pretty sure Tom chatted with him once, too.

Then she said something about him being ok, so I don’t know if they took him away. It was then that I saw Bob walking across the street and waiting outside while the paramedics tended to the guy inside. We waved to each other.

So I let the rats out and after a while, Dumbo comes screaming out of one of their tents, apparently bullied by Burke. Burkey boy loves to let the others know that he’s king.

Finally a good Taylor Swift song. I never liked any of the squinty, cat-eyed and almost snobbish-looking singer’s songs, but Out of the Woods is a good one.

Started watching The Returned on Netflix and it’s okay so far.

Not as many motorcycles as I expected to be hearing, but they are picking up a bit. So are the temperatures. We’re going to be in for some triple-digit temps, so we’re hoping to go for a swim this weekend. Really hope there aren’t any kids!