The dizziness has backed off, but I still have some inward trembling - that “buzzing” sensation in my head - and lightheadedness at times, and of course the worst symptom of all… anxiety.

Because I skipped my thyroid meds for a total of three days, the anxiety has backed off a little. It has been one of the most exhausting battles of my life and sometimes I worry it’s a battle that’s eventually going to break me and that I’m destined to lose, but I’m doing my best to hang in there. Definitely going to take Stacey’s advice on the homeopathic doctor. I just hope it won’t take too long to get in to see one.

Sometimes it’s like being beaten with a bat relentlessly, hard enough to really knock the wind out of you but not quite hard enough to kill you. But then it gets so bad at times that you kind of wish it would if it won’t just back off and give you your life back. I still keep hoping that someday I’ll get back to my old self and it will be for more than just a few months, too.

Although tired because I was up 18 hours and only slept 5.5 hours, I feel a little more alive today. Enough to clean another section of the house and even do some Bowflex exercises.

Decided that writing a bio by pulling the highlights from my many years of journals is a bit more work than I’d like to do at the moment, so within the next few days or so I’ll add a few more highlights and be done with it. Just the major events instead of things that don’t really stand out in my memory.

Not much else going on. I’m just riding out my latest storm and glad that the weather is warming up again.

I’ve heard hammering from both woodpeckers and humans, but nothing major. Personally, I would hear that 24/7 before I continued on being anxious. It starting to rear up on me again, but now it’s just lurking below the surface.

There’s also been tons of landscaping the last couple of days, especially yesterday. It was all over the place all fucking day.

Even though Tom has to work tomorrow, I really REALLY hope I’m calmer and awake for our 23rd anniversary.

Not at all surprisingly, Aly has ignored my tweets.

Tom is going to be assisting me in an experiment. I’ve GOT to figure out a way to kill this anxiety for good once and for all. This particular type of anxiety has been a bear to tame so far. It’s that horrible feeling in the center of my chest. No racing, pounding heart. Just waves of what feels exactly like fear in my chest. That’s the only way I can describe it. it’s such an OMG horrible feeling that I fear I may and doing something stupid. The thought of killing myself when my life is otherwise great is pretty bizarre, and I’d hate to leave Tom and let down my sister, but that’s how bad it is, even though I know I risk trading in a horrible feeling for a horrible afterlife. Still don’t know if I believe in that sort of thing, but I have no way to prove it one way or another. What if I really do burn in hell? What if I really do walk around in circles in the dark with these other miserable mumbling figures that someone who tried to kill themselves claimed they did? I saw a documentary where they said this happened to them in a near-death experience. Again, not sure if I buy it, and I know something’s going to kill me someday, but if it turns out that the afterlife is a lot worse than this life, I can never return to this life. Maybe there’s no sleep in the afterlife, and therefore every time I feel tired I can’t just jump into my warm soft bed. Worse, maybe I’ll never be reconnected with Tom.

Tom just Skyped me to say that he rescheduled my appointment with Doc A for July 19th. Not sure I like that I have to wait five weeks to see her now that I’m anxious again, and for the appropriate treatment for my rash, but she hasn’t managed to get rid of my anxiety yet, and a rash ain’t shit compared to anxiety.

Back to the whole afterlife, ghosts, spirits, and all that stuff… while I’m not sure I believe in that, and this house has never “acted” haunted, I’ve decided to get some cleansing sage, silly or not. It’s said to rid negative energy, and after the first year here, this house has been full of nothing but that and negative experiences for me. Gotta admit, though, that if any house might have been haunted, or at least the land it was on, it was Maricopa. Windows breaking, the smell of death…

As I’ve learned, after what I went through with the poverty and the freeloaders in Arizona, it’s always a worse crisis when it’s internal and not from an external source. For me, it is, anyway. Also, I had a much clearer picture of just what was going on with the external sources. Now, I’m pretty sure my problem is physiological, but how much of it is perimenopause versus my meds? And is there any possibility, as unlikely as it seems, that there could be another cause no one’s hit upon yet? That’s what makes this scarier. It may be just as hard to control, but it’s a lot less predictable and understandable.

Along with the sage, I’m getting hair dye remover, tweezers, and these combs to brush through your hair to give it streaks of different colors. It’s just temporary stuff I’m probably way too old for.