Happy 60th birthday to my husband! Even though age is just a number and he’s very healthy, healthier than me despite my being fitter, there’s a sense of sadness that comes with the 34-year-old man I met in 1993 entering his 60s. Can’t help but wonder if his family is thinking of him today or even if they give a shit. Even if they can’t find the few accounts he has if they really cared there are a number of ways they could look me up. But clearly, they couldn’t care less. So I feel bad for him in that respect even though he tells me it’s no big deal at all.

I’m guessing we have another 25 years together, give or take a few years. While I know that 25 years in itself is a long time, it doesn’t seem like enough. Shit, I’m going to cry. Thank you, perimenopause, PMS, my thyroid medication and whatever the fuck else has been making me feel this way. I’ve been teetering between anxious and depressed all night long but nowhere near panicking. Still, I finally decided to take a lorazepam.

Hoping to hear from a former friend soon, even if I should give up on her like I’ve given up on the hope of myself ever getting better. Seriously, if these funky emotions extend into July it will be the longest I felt bad in a couple of years. Not hopeful at all. I mean this just isn’t a good sign. How can I tell myself things will get better and believe it if the days turn into weeks and then the weeks turn into months? I’m either going to be surprised with getting better someday (for more than just a few months), or I’m going to learn to live with it, or I’m going to do something stupid. Only time will tell which of these things happen.

Tried to create another Twitter account just to document my health and emotions, but it wouldn’t let me. I tried in two different browsers with two different email addresses.

My stomach is better, but even though my emotions are in a dark place tonight, I’m not disabled. I’m not run down or anything like that either. Therefore, I was able to carry on with my usual activities. Did some cleaning, did some Bowflex exercises, plus some other things.

Tomorrow I do my last steroid treatment, though I can tell the problem isn’t 100% gone. It’s just a lot better. I’m sure it will return to haunt me eventually like everything else does. In the meantime, I’ll send the GYN a message in a day or two and ask if she thinks I should resume treatment if it flares up again or what.

Later…

Aly tweeted that she’s “taking a break from some things to focus on other things.” What this really means is that she’s abandoning her my-diary account because I found it and she doesn’t want me messaging her there. I guess she feels it’s a lot easier to ignore me on Twitter where I can’t send more than 250 characters at a time.

I just can’t stand to visit my nieces’ Facebook profiles anymore. Every few days there’s something about their oh-so-wonderful daddy, and sadly, I don’t think my sister ever really stopped loving him. She just came to love Mark more. Even if everybody loved the guy and the guy had been perfect, I don’t think it’s helping them to dwell on him as much as they do. I can understand during the first year because that’s always the hardest, but after that, I think it would be best for them to not forget but to move on. It’s up to them, though.

Unfortunately, Tom had to spend his birthday working, but early in the morning before he took off, we went to Walgreens for some treats. Along with that, I got a box of Amberen which is said to help with both peri and menopausal symptoms. Furthermore, unlike Estroven, they say they have no side effects. Took my first dose after eating and shortly afterward I became warm and drowsy and I might have panicked had it not been for Stacey. It could have been just a coincidence. I do still feel flushed at times and sometimes I just get tired. Time will tell, but I’d rather the drowsiness than the anxiety which is sprinkled with occasional depression lately. Still worried that more of it is from my medication than the peri, but we’ll eventually find this out.

I got another period today, and I’m guessing they probably won’t stop until I’m 52-53.

Amberen says symptoms should be noticeably better in less than 30 days but to give it 90 days to really take effect. They have an email address as well as a number you can call to talk to someone about adjusting your regiment if you need to later on. It’s expensive shit at 40 bucks a month, but I’ll pay a grand a month just to keep that horrible anxiety and depression away. I’d sell everything I have and I just might even return to a horribly cold, snowy climate, that’s how awful a feeling it is. Feeling great so far. :)

I also got another “dancing flower.” One of those plastic flowers in a plastic flower pot that has a little solar panel on it. Light hitting it makes the flowers dance. Love these things! I got one at the dollar store a while back with purple flowers in a square pink “box.” The one I got last night costs $3 and has a large pink flower with two large leaves in a round red pot with white polka dots.

Finally managed to set up two additional Twitter accounts, so now I have a total of three. One has my real name and that will be for regular everyday things, but the other two are in names I randomly drew from a random name generator site. “Nora’s” will be for private things and is therefore private and will not accept any follow requests. “Chelsea” will be to document my health and emotions and I left that one public. This way things are better organized and it makes it easier to use as a reference when I want to look something up.

Had another Rosemarie dream last night. We met at some kind of function somewhere. Both of us seemed to know who the other was and we didn’t seem to harbor any hard feelings toward each other either. I’m not sure if I was alone at the function or not, but we eventually agreed that I would go with her to someplace. I offered to give her a little gas money and she declined, saying that I could just buy her something to eat instead. I said that would be no problem, not at all fearing that she might have ill intentions in mind or anything like that.

In the next part of the dream Tom, Rosemarie, someone Rosemarie knew, and myself were all at a restaurant. We sat in a booth that formed a half-moon with her and I being close to the aisle. I was looking good that night and I knew it. I wore one of my most flattering dresses that enhanced my exercise-lifted chest and slimmed my waist. My hair and makeup were done to perfection and I noticed her noticing me even though I pretended not to. During the conversation, it kept coming out that I was “smart” in various ways which I was both pleased and annoyed by. I was pleased that it seemed to impress Rosemarie, who was just as beautiful as she was years ago, but annoyed because I don’t like to let on that I know some things I know because it may be easier to use to my advantage in the future if need be. Despite feeling somewhat flattered I didn’t seem to have any desire to pursue a friendship with Rosemarie.