As you know, I’ve tried a handful of different prescription medications for anxiety and high cholesterol over the last few years, most of which have caused problems. Nothing wrong with taking ibuprofen if you’ve got a headache, a toothache or period cramps, and I can certainly see taking something to prevent a life-threatening emergency. But I’m finding that most medications seem to simply be a matter of trading in one problem for another. I took statins to prevent a stroke or heart attack that may never happen just to have the sore throat from hell. I tried to curb anxiety with Prozac just to end up with suicidal thoughts. Then I tried Clonidine for that just to get knocked out, sleep shitty, and feel like I was in a fog the next day. Birth control wasn’t an option as far as hormonal therapy because of my high cholesterol, but what if it had been? How long would I have lasted on that before problems caused me to stop that, too?

Other than my thyroid meds and lorazepam when the anxiety bites, I am so done with medication unless it’s a matter of life or death! I’m not kidding when I say I’d rather not live as long and feel better than live longer just to suffer any more than the perimenopause naturally causes me to suffer.

Obviously, it was meant to be and something up there wants me to suffer. Just like with other things in life, the more I try to fight fate, the worse it is for me. Sometimes it really is best that I just grin and bear it and take my “punishment.” I don’t know if I’ll be rewarded for my suffering in the afterlife, or if I’ll be made to suffer even worse and wish I could return to this kind of suffering, but I can’t concern myself with an afterlife that may not exist and that I can’t control even if it does.

I feel like a colossal failure. I mean look at me. I can’t even go more than 4-6 months without anxiety. I briefly considered running to Stacey about it, but that would be one more appointment and more money spent on something that’s physiological and that she can’t help me with. I’m near tears of frustration right now because I’ve been on this trend for three years now with no end in sight. I’m having the longest period ever, or so it seems. I’ve been bleeding since around 6 PM on the 31st, and if it doesn’t stop today or tomorrow I’m going to be worried. Assuming it does stop, I would bet almost anything that I’ll definitely have another period in August.

Even though I’m not so sure it’s a good idea to skip my meds this close to the lab, I’m definitely skipping tomorrow just in case it’s not causing my problem but maybe fueling it. If I have a physiological condition that can make me anxious, maybe taking stimulants isn’t a bright idea. That’s why I go easy on the caffeine.

So to quickly sum up the last couple of days… I didn’t sleep all that great the time before last, but I had more energy and I did more things. I became anxious a few hours after I got up and got rid of it a few hours later with lorazepam.

Last time around I fell asleep earlier and slept longer and better, save for the nightmare I had about a dog attacking a rat. The bottom half of the rat was basically crushed and it was bleeding everywhere. I picked the poor thing up by its tail. It let out a little squeak and blood dripped from its mouth. It was totally gross. I knew it wouldn’t live but I knew it would be tough for me to kill it to end its misery, too. It didn’t look like any of my rats. This one looked like a hooded or capped rat.

I awoke a little anxious, then I did my ET, acupuncture, ate and felt a little better. But these hacks only get me so far. 4-5 hours after I got up I took another lorazepam. Might as well use it while I have it when I need it. That’s what it’s here for. This stuff does quit working for the most part just like the shrink said, but it’s still better than nothing.

Still don’t know if I’m going to cancel the shrink appointment, but I have until November to decide. We did cancel Dr. A online and then they tried to call to reschedule. It will be rescheduled for next week after the lab and after she has my numbers. Again, A isn’t my probation officer and I’m not a child. I do what I want and their employees that work for me, as far as I’m concerned. They can quit working for me, but they can never make me do anything I don’t want to do.

Deleted my Facebook page because it lost its excitement rather quickly. There were only a couple of people into it, but even if there’d been a lot more, I’m more into collecting or pinning pictures than sharing them. I’m better at sharing words than images, though I do share some.

I also had a dream that we were renting our Maricopa house for a while, and this time it looked like it really did. I had the same mixed emotions about staying there as I always do in these dreams but knew we couldn’t stay. OMG, I can just imagine how much the Mexican drug cartel has fucked up that town by now!