OMG, what an absolutely SHITTY weekend so far! Yeah, it’s tangent time. I literally want to live to get out of this, but also to die so I never have to suffer again like I do every few weeks to every few months. I am SO, SO SICK of this shit!

Why have certain things like lack of sleep and not eating become so damn hard on me? Sometimes I feel so much older than I am. And so incredibly cursed, too. Today’s one of those days when trying to “look on the bright side” and keep in mind how much worse things could be isn’t cutting it for me. I feel nothing but doom and gloom and like I’m going to be stuck in this on-and-off rut forever where I suffer anxiety, fatigue, dizziness and then get depressed because I felt those things.

I skipped my pill yesterday and had no anxiety all day. But I sure had enough other shit to deal with, and I’m just so sick of suffering as often and as intensely as I do.

I have a lot to get off my chest, but I might have to do it in spurts. I’m keeping it private, too. It’s just too dark to share with anyone other than Tom, and sometimes I just need to write for myself.

I’m just so sick of feeling like shit both physically and emotionally and not being able to do a damn thing about it. I feel both powerless and hopeless. Everything I try to take for it has backfired or lost its effect, and I’m never going to know how much of the perimenopause is responsible for this until I hit menopause and I still think I’ve got a few years to go yet. I still think it’s tied more to the medication. I think the perimenopause may be responsible for hot flashes, shitty sleep, fatigue and dizziness, but I think the anxiety is mostly on the meds.

I took it when I got up and started feeling anxious, along with some other things, so I’m skipping tomorrow’s dose. Then after I showered and ate, I felt really warm, weak and dizzy and then I had the runs earlier. Tom thinks most of how I feel now is due to eating rich foods I’m not used to. I forget that sometimes we suffer for what we did the day before, like those who have hangovers. I’ve become so damn sensitive to so many things that now I’m afraid to go out for any foods I don’t normally eat, and while it’s easy to say I need a vacation, I don’t know that I’ll ever want to do that again either.

The first thing that pissed me off was going to the lab for nothing cuz they changed hours. I was so fucking hungry all night long and pissed that it was cold again. Even today I’m bundled up like it’s winter.

I got up before 10 PM and thought I could make it until 6 AM, which would mean 18 hours without food. But I had hunger pains all night and I was dizzy and tired. Again I had to wonder how the hell I would starve myself when I was younger, but I was younger and a lot smaller. I only needed about 1200 cals if even that. Now I need at least 1500.

So we get to the lab at 6 o’clock just to find that they had changed their hours and wouldn’t open until 7 o’clock. At first I was tempted to wait another hour, but then Tom suggested we go eat and make an appointment during the week when it better suits my schedule. Two failed attempts to get to the lab, and then having to cancel my Monday appointment made me wonder if something was trying to tell me something. Like maybe it had gone from wanting to keep the appointments going to wanting to stop them even more than I do. I would gladly give up the labs, the doctors and the medications in a heartbeat if I could. But I just don’t want the symptoms of untreated hypothyroidism back, so I’m a slave to this medication, which means I have to keep going to the lab, and I have to keep going to the doctors. The question still remains as to whether or not I should go back to Stacey.

We went to Jack-in-the-Box where we got breakfast platters, then we had to deal with a crazy homeless woman, me on my empty stomach and feeling like shit. It was obvious to both of us from the get-go that she was schizophrenic and that the voices in her head were giving her a hard time that morning, as Tom said.

We placed our order, got our drinks and sat down. Then she came in. I didn’t realize she was homeless at first because she wasn’t shabbily dressed and I’m pretty sure she even had makeup on. She was a little taller than me but she was skinny as a rail.

She then called to Tom, “Hey, you in the blue shirt. Did you just go into my pocketbook?”

Tom said no, and then she goes, “I saw you get up.”

“Been here the whole time,” he told her.

I started to seriously consider putting her in her place, but was so fucking hungry and I just wanted to eat. Crazy or not, it’s pretty brazen to fuck with a couple of people like that when you’re about 110 pounds and the others are 150-250. I guess crazy doesn’t care. Not everyone is going to be smart enough to recognize that she’s crazy either. Nonetheless, while Tom is all for defending yourself if you’re attacked first, he urged me not to go after her simply because she was crazy, and risk getting into trouble. But God apparently cared more about her safety than spiting me at the moment because she didn’t threaten or attack us and provoke me to attack back (because with my shit luck even self-defense against another white person would land me in jail). God was having fun wreaking enough havoc on me physically and emotionally as it was. Or at least allowing it to go on, if He exists.

Then she went to the bathroom, leaving an army duffel bag of some kind on her seat (I never did see a pocketbook), and never said another thing to us when she returned.

As I said to Tom, why are people like that not locked up? Not so much in jail but in some kind of facility. I mean what happens when the voices in their heads tell them to shoot or stab us?

I expected to feel better 20 minutes or so after eating, but I didn’t. Instead, I continued to feel both hunger and fatigue for the rest of the day. It’s like I let myself get so hungry that I couldn’t kill it and nothing could replenish my energy either. So for the millionth time, I couldn’t work out yesterday and I can’t do it today either. Our plans to go to Denny’s in the middle of the night are shot. It’s like nothing we plan lately comes to fruition. Instead, we might go to Walmart later on for some things we didn’t get online.

Because I was so tired I fell asleep earlier and slept shitty as hell. I woke up many times… because I was too hot, too cold, or just because.

I took my meds when I got up at the same time as last night and started feeling anxious. Then I took a shower and ate which I thought would help. But then I began to feel really warm, tired and dizzy, and then I had the runs. Afraid my blood pressure was falling, I woke Tom up to take my vitals, but my HR was normal and my BP was slightly elevated because I was wound up.

A part of me regrets dumping the clonidine. Maybe it was better to be knocked out into oblivion and sleep shitty than to feel this anxiety. Anxiety is still the worst feeling, and I’ve become immune to the things that used to help. Both the tapping and the lorazepam have been worthless.

Despite how shitty I feel so much of the time physically and emotionally, I need to push myself to be more active, even if it means working out on the boring skier as opposed to going outdoors.

I feel grateful to Tom for supporting me but I also feel bad for him because I woke him up. He went back to bed after a while, though. While I’m still not sure it’s worth the time and money to see Stacey, he’s going to reschedule with A next week so he can look at his work calendar for the best time, along with my schedule. Then I’ll message her and let her know I couldn’t make it to the lab and see if I can still go, as I know lab orders expire. I think I might have a year, but I don’t know that for sure. I should have done what Tom suggested and made sure I didn’t go more than 12 hours without food. I should have gotten up like I did at 10 o’clock, eaten an hour or so later, then gone to the lab at 11 o’clock.

Now I know why there were only two other people waiting around, who also didn’t know the hours had changed.

I know I’ve said this a million times before, but the thought of suffering from this anxiety, fatigue and dizziness on and off for the rest of my life is a very terrifying and depressing thought. I don’t think I’m tough enough to survive it. This isn’t something you get used to. Even when you finally know what’s going on (or at least think you do) it’s still scary.

Then I’m sitting here trying to guess whether or not there really is a God, a devil, or something else, and whether or not it’s got it in for me. Well, even if it might not have it in for me and be against me, it certainly isn’t for me because it’s not doing anything to help. Not letting this happen yet again in the first place if you have that kind of power, would be a great way to start showing some real support. But as I realized a long time ago, if there is anything up there, it clearly doesn’t give a shit about me. Never has. Never will. So now it’s a matter of two things. Either sit back and accept the fact that I may be destined to suffer forever, or just kill myself and hope I don’t suffer a hell of a lot more wherever my spirit may end up, if we really do have spirits that go anywhere.

Aly “apologizes” for five days of silence on Twitter, claiming she’s more into fitness than social media these days. And sure enough, Kim hasn’t dumped her. Hey, why would any God karmatize her? It was only me she dumped.

Anyway, I felt like shit most of the night and I’m hoping that I feel better tomorrow, even if it may be silly for me to hope for anything at this point.

I’m sure there are more tidbits of thoughts, feelings and experiences I could write about, but I’m going to sign off for now.