So yesterday I spent the day lightheaded, more so in the beginning of my day than in the end. I became on edge towards the middle of the day, but it dissipated after he went to bed. LOL, go figure. Like I said, fear has no logic.

Skipped my meds today when I got up an hour ago. So far I feel okay. Just a little warm. I’m not exactly calm but I’m not far from it either.

My numbers haven’t been posted yet but I’m sure that as far as they’re concerned they’re absolutely horrible. Or close enough to it, anyway. I’m probably going to get a call about it first.

I’m reminding myself over and over not to get worked up over whatever they are. I’m not a child. They’re not my parents. And no one can make me do anything I don’t want to do.

I wonder why it is that when I use speech-to-text online, the words appear on the screen as fast as I speak them. But when I’m working in Word it sometimes prints slower than I can type.

Yesterday I had a good blood pressure reading and didn’t take it again after that. I wanted to keep those good numbers the last numbers I saw, haha.

It’s extremely hot and dry and very desert-like out there. We hit the pool yesterday, and sure enough, there were kids that weren’t supposed to be there. Two of them left as soon as we got there, but the other one might have been older than she looked. I didn’t stop and study her but she might have been in her teens. She was civilized, though, whatever she was.

We figured they were there because we went close to when they’re not supposed to be there. I think they bring their kids and if no one says anything when it starts to creep past 1 o’clock, they say what the hell and just stay there.

Today we’re going to go when he gets home from work, so hopefully there won’t be any then. If there is I’m definitely going to email the office and suggest they post a more ‘in your face’ sign about them not being permitted after 1 o’clock.

I’ve become more heat sensitive and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m older, fatter, going through perimenopause, or not as used to it since the winters are long here. It’s probably all of the above. Just walking from the car and alongside the pool to the steps leading into the pool made me feel like I was roasting and I could feel my heart start to beat a little harder. Once I hit the water, though, I was fine. It felt sooo good! It was the perfect temperature.

We definitely toughen up in some ways and become wimps in other ways as we age. When we first parked our old RV on the land in Oregon, the damn thing could get up into the 90s while he was out looking for work and the generator was off, and I remember how horribly uncomfortable I was. But that’s just the thing… I was uncomfortable. Now I would be scared and I might even end up panicking.

Yes, trauma/PTSD can definitely strengthen you as well as weaken you. It makes certain things that once seemed like such a big deal and even scary seem like nothing. But then there are things you look back on that you once did and you know you could never do them again. Sometimes I wonder what the hell we were thinking back then. Maybe I was a little too brave in some ways. A bear could have fought its way into the RV and eaten me alive. A big cat could’ve jumped me before I even knew what hit me when I was outside the RV. A forest fire could’ve ravaged those dry woods in no time, leaving me with nowhere to run. Hunters could’ve spotted me during those one or two times a vehicle would actually go down Boar Lane and decided it would be so much more fun to rape and kill me as opposed to killing deer, elk and moose. I had absolutely no means of calling for help, and so what if I did? No one could have gotten to me for the better part of an hour anyway.

Yeah, what were we thinking? LOL

So now I’m just a woman in her 50s left with a stockpile of “adventurous” memories that probably bordered on dangerous, and who’s a lot more chickenshit than she used to be. She’s smarter, but she’s no longer as brave. There’s no way in hell Tom or myself would let me be all alone in the wilderness with no one around for miles and no means of communication.

Unlike me, Tom is a native of the Sonoran Desert. In his younger days, he would run for miles during the intense heat, loving to sweat because of the cleansing sensation it gave him. He was going to ride his bike when it was really hot yesterday for the same effect till he ended up doing something else.

Okay, I get that you rid your body of toxins through your pores and all that, but I hate that yucky sweaty feeling!

He’s lost a lot of weight over the last few months.