Wow! It has now been exactly a quarter of a century since I left New England! I was a 90-pound, 26-year-old girl with great vision and that couldn’t gain weight. Can’t gain it easily now either, but I sure as hell can’t lose what I gained before going on thyroid medication either, LOL. There were two words I had yet to learn the true meaning of… insecurity and anxiety. I’ll take the insecurity that came with the poverty we went through any day over this anxiety that can sometimes border on sheer terror. Nonetheless, I learned about insecurity in 2008, and then I learned about anxiety in 2014, and you know what folks? It’s awfully hard to unlearn things at times.

So sit back, grab a cup of hot chocolate or tea, and enjoy another one of my bittersweet midnight rambles.

Okay, so I took a couple of ibuprofen for my jaw arthritis, snuggled up in bed for a while, and now I feel a little calmer. I thought about it and realized that if I stopped my meds for six months that would tell me if my anxiety was due to the meds since I can’t even go that long without having anxiety. But that still might not tell me if it were literally the meds themselves. More than likely it’s a combination of things… the perimenopause, the medication fueling it, etc.

It wouldn’t be good for me to quit for half a year either way, and I won’t. I’d probably gain a shitload of weight. I may not be able to lose either, but I stopped gaining years ago, leaving me around 30 pounds overweight. The only difference is that I’m a few inches smaller than I was just over a year ago because of the Bowflex. People think I’m between 120-130 pounds. Wrong!

So anyway, I didn’t feel great after talking to Tammy but I definitely felt better, and I’m sure celebrating our anniversary this weekend will make me feel even better. It’s on the 15th actually, but we’re going to go out to eat, plus we did a little shopping on Amazon. Then he turns 60 on the 28th. That’s a bit of a sad and scary thought even though he’s in great health and he reminds me that a number is just a number. Yeah, but his wife is 8.5 years younger, in better shape, and is supposed to live longer than men.

I was telling Tammy that while we have no regrets about not having kids, I worry for us when we get old since I can’t imagine who we would have to take care of us, and the last thing I would want would be for us to end up in some state-run nursing home facility where we would likely be abused.

“I’ve got more to worry about than you do,” she said, and I started to think, oh no, please don’t play the problem-comparing game. But then she said something that had me wondering. I really thought she was joking, but based on her tone I can’t be sure. She said something about the girls swearing they won’t be there for her when she’s old.

“Of course they’re joking and of course they’ll be there for you,” I said to her.

I expected her to come out at that point and say, “Yeah, I know.” But instead, she said something about them liking to take her places and leaving her there, whatever the hell that meant, and I wasn’t sure I should push her for details either, so I let it go at that.

Those girls have always had a mean streak in them. No doubt about that. Burn them or at least make them think you did and you’re probably fucked a lot more than you would be fucked if you burned me. Yet despite any signs of aggressiveness and vengefulness, I can’t imagine them abandoning their mom. Maybe they really would, though. There are lots of things we can’t imagine until they happen. I do remember Sarah joking about being the one who decides what nursing home she goes to someday, but is there something more going on than I realize?

Come to think of it, the girls have posted tons of “I love my dad,” “I miss my dad,” “I love my sister” memes, but never once have I ever seen anything in regard to their mom.