It’s June! My favorite month. This month is our anniversary, his birthday, and the start of summer. June has always been my favorite month.

The clonidine has proven to be pretty worthless so far. I don’t think it helps me fall asleep faster. I don’t sleep as sound when I take it and I’m a little groggy the next day. If I get anxious again, it might be good for that, but I would rather not find out.

I had spotting last night after 2.5 months, so that sucks. I’m probably in for a full-blown period within a day or two.

I’m not working out as much these days. I’m just too tired too much of the time. I know I risk falling out of shape and gaining weight, but I just don’t have the energy anymore. I sleep too shitty too often.

Debating whether or not I want to finish combing through old journals and sharing the highlights. It’s just SOOO much work.

Having fun with my page, even though I don’t expect to ever have more than a few members. I’ve got posts queued up all the way through the middle of the month. I don’t have to do anything but sensor anything that comes in.

After Aly dumped me for being honest enough to warn her about Kim (among other things I was “too blunt” about), I was so hurt and angry that I hoped that Kim would turn around and dump her and give her a taste of her own medicine. Now that this has actually happened, I’m not sure how I feel. I will never understand why some people care about those that don’t care about them while they don’t give a damn about those that do care. What is it about some people that draws them to abusive lovers and toxic friends??? Especially when they should be smart enough to know better. I think they’ll patch things up soon enough, though, because they need each other to feed off of. Kim needs Aly to help her with the things she’s not smart enough to do on her own, and Aly needs Kim because she thrives on toxicity.

I only remember a few seconds from one dream last night. I don’t know whose baby it was, but I took some baby to the ER that was sick or something. The doctors and nurses examined it as I watched on fearfully. Only the baby wasn’t fat and chubby like a real baby. Instead, it looked like a miniature adult that couldn’t have been more than a foot long, if even that.

Later…

This constant fatigue is so hard to live with at times that this is what I mean when I say I have mixed emotions about not being able to work a regular job. As if my fucked up schedule isn’t bad enough. Having just 2-3 days a week that I feel awake enough to do things really limits my activities and I’m finding it more and more frustrating. But I’m not going to get any younger, so I better get used to it, accept it for what it is, and plan on not having much energy most days. I’m tired. Period. And I’m never going to sleep as well as I did when I was younger or have the energy I used to have. I also need to accept the fact that I may still have many more periods to go.

Still hear that car at least four times a day because even though they do appear to be working, they come and go in the evening as well. I don’t understand what can’t be picked up or done on the way home from work. I would think most people wouldn’t want to go out a second time after being out for 11 hours. Their fucking house is never going to sell either, but I wonder if they’re deliberately stalling to piss the park off. If they got kicked out, that might be the case.

Anyway, I miss the days when my sleep was usually shorted only because I had an appointment. After I got out of the apartments where neighbors were waking me up, I had a lot more energy in Arizona, and even Oregon, compared to now. My health has gone totally to shit since moving into this house. I sure feel like it has at times.

I’m nearly in tears right now because all I want is just to sleep normally and be awake most days of the week. I miss that so much. But it’s been harder to cry since being EMDR’d. I’m tired, I’m worried, and it’s got me really bummed out. Tom thinks it’s the double whammy of having peri and PMS, and I hope he’s right. I hope nothing else is wrong with me. Every possibility went through my mind last night… adrenal gland suppression, the clonidine, something else. Still worry the anxiety’s going to return, too.

It used to be that if I woke up a little tired I tended to perk up within a few hours, but not anymore. I’m WAY more impacted by lack of sleep/shitty sleep than I used to be. I feel like an old lady too often as far as my sleep and energy go. It is so, so very frustrating to have to spend so much time in bed and know there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it.