Felt better yesterday, and so far so good today. The anxiety started to bubble up and my stomach went on the fritz, which may have been due to the fruit I ate yesterday, but after a few pieces of tryptophan-laden Turkey and a few swallows of wine, followed by a 10-minute walk, I felt better. I even managed to kick the same pinecone all the way down the street, LOL.

Not really sure the alcohol helps, though, so I probably won’t get it again. I only drank in Hawaii because the drinks were free. Otherwise, I’ve never found pleasure in drinking like many people do.

Hopefully, my “bipolar” hormones will give me a break for a while. On top of perimenopause and a medication that’s not at all anxiety-friendly (though I skipped today), I’ve definitely got my PMS on.

I’ll totally slap the crap out of the next person that calls someone a “wimp” or “coward” for committing suicide. I may not feel like ending it all at the moment, but I can totally see how some people do this simply to end their pain. Is it really cowardly to want to end your suffering be it physically or emotionally? Especially when it’s more than obvious that no matter how many times you see the doctor, they’re not going to do you much good, and your options are limited due to side effects and other things. I’d love to take BC, for example, but can’t cuz of my fucking cholesterol. It seems, however, that people are always quick to judge unless they know firsthand what it’s like. The way Andy said he didn’t feel bad for Robin Williams for “choosing” to throw it all away when he had it all was both shocking and sad. I was surprised that he of all people would be that ignorant and stupid. Common sense should tell a person that no one kills themselves because they’re tired of having it all. He had Parkinson’s disease, and that and his medication made him depressed. If we were still friends he would defend himself by saying that was simply his opinion. Yeah, but there’s a difference between having an opinion and being incorrect. To say I look good or bad with long hair is an opinion. To say I’m tall is an incorrect statement.

I’m just going through a natural part of life and I have to wait it out, hope it ends soon enough, and that nothing else “broke” in my brain a few years ago. I’ve had so many tests done, though. It’s GOT to be the peri, and again, certain meds can fuel the effects.

Right now I’m not feeling much of anything. I’m not anxious, calm or depressed. As I told Tammy, I still get a lot more anxious than depressed. If I get depressed it’s usually only because I got anxious.

I know it’s important to stay positive but the longer this goes on the harder it is to tell myself that everything is going to be okay and that my hormones will eventually stabilize. Until I’ve gone half a year without anxiety, I don’t want to get my hopes up too high.

I wonder if it’s worth picking up a bottle of that Evening Primrose Stacey said she takes. It’s just that with my shit luck I’d have side effects. I also don’t want to do anything that could risk throwing my sleep off again. It’s actually been way better lately. Not sure why it’s been better, but I’d like it to stay that way. I don’t even have hot flashes as much as I used to. Right now it’s just the “stabbers” that are my problem where I’ll feel random stabs of anxiety come and go in waves in the center of my chest. Occasionally this will morph into depression depending on how long it went on. I admit that sometimes I let it get bad because I hesitate to run for the lorazepam every time I start feeling a little off as I don’t want to get dependent on it. It doesn’t work as well as it used to, anyway.

Really hope I stop being stabbed real soon because if it goes on into July, it’ll be the longest stabbing period out of the 3 times this has happened. Not really sure if the butterflies are the same thing. I mean the effects are similar; it’s just that that was a few inches lower, more toward my stomach/solar plexus area. This is in my chest, right smack in the center of my boobs. But yeah, if it’s the same thing, this makes more like the 6th attack. I don’t remember skipping meds during the butterfly times, though.

I may not be very strong emotionally, but damn am I strong physically. For a minute I worried that my steroid treatments were giving me “fake” muscle just like levothyroxine can give me “fake” fear, but Tom doesn’t think I’m absorbing nearly enough for it to do that, and my last treatment is in a few days. I would have thought that after all this time Bowflexing I’m pretty much as strong as I’m going to get, but nope. Gotta up my weights on some exercises.

Early in the morning, I ordered a really neat desk lamp that I got a few hours ago. The top part has three levels of lighting, and the color of the base can be adjusted.

Thursday I’ve got Brown Sugar Crumble Donut K-cups coming. I only let myself have one cup of caffeinated coffee a day. I make a point of avoiding things that are bad for anxiety… caffeine, sugar, canned soup, whole wheat bread, etc. Foods good for anxiety are turkey, spinach, blueberries, milk, almonds, avocados, asparagus and other things.

Started watching The Fall and it’s pretty good so far. It’s filmed in Belfast and one of the things I like about European movies and shows as opposed to American ones is that they don’t have so much music blasting in the background. This makes it harder to hear the people talking. Besides, we’re supposed to be watching TV, not listening to music.

Got a basic plot figured out for my CampNaNo project, so I have that to look forward to in a few days. I was going to set my word count at 10K, but I can do that easily. Maybe I’ll bump it up to 25K. We writers can easily tap out 1000-5000 words a day.

Oh fuck. Not again with the firecrackers 8 days in advance! Why can’t Independence Day be in the winter when it’s too cold to be out doing this shit? I swear people will do anything to get attention and make a show of themselves.

In my dreams last night, a young Justin Bieber was annoying the shit out of me on a bus with a bright flashlight he was shining in my eyes.

Then I went to see Alyssa. I was lying on the exam table when she asked if there was anything else I needed before she left the room. I asked her to go down on me and she did.

So the reason Aly wants to come to the San Francisco area is for a BDSM event, not to live.