Between the conversation I had with Tom yesterday and the conversation I had with Tammy yesterday, my mind is overloaded with words, so now I’ll scan through my brain and remember as much as I can.

First Tom and I were talking and he was bringing up how I was so dead-set within my own mind about the fact that he’s deliberately not cumming and that he really doesn’t want a kid. Then he says we’re not communicating, but I find it awfully hard for someone who says, “I know I won’t want a divorce in the future,” and “I don’t know what the future holds or what I’ll feel or do,” to always be understandable. He said, “Here are some hypothetical ideas. Why can’t you accept that you might feel - OK, I won’t let him know this, but I’ll give up on him and maybe he’ll be right or maybe I’ll be right about the kid. Or just say - OK, he was wrong and I was right about the kid, but it’s just a little flaw of his. I still love him anyway.”

A little flaw? Yes, I still may love him anyway, but how can he call that a little flaw? How can Tammy? They make it sound like they might as well say to women, “If your man beats you and if you won’t fight back, just tell yourself it’s a little flaw he’s got and love him unconditionally and be supportive and understanding of his problem, whether he knows he’s got one or not and whether he’ll admit it or not.”

Anyway, I think I’ve gotten my sign from God that I asked him for to help put me on the track in life he wants me to be on. It’s a few different signs that all add up.

When I talked to Tammy yesterday, she really did get my mind to open up to other possibilities for the first time since the beginning of my relationship with Tom. The only thing she suggested that I don’t agree with is how she said that Tom really has a problem and that he can’t admit it as a male, it’s hard for a male to do and I should just get over it and love him unconditionally. So I should forgive him for promising us a kid while he has this problem that he may not ever want to admit or take care of all cuz it’s hard for a male to admit or do anything about such problems? She makes it sound like just cuz he’s a male and just cuz he has a problem it was OK for him to lie to me. Or just cuz he may have a genuine physical problem that he may or may not admit or want to fix and just cuz he’s a male, it’s OK for him to promise something that I really wanted?

As far as the signs go, here’s what I think they are and what they mean. His mom said she was really impressed with the Melatonin. She said she slept longer and better and didn’t wake up feeling hungover or like she took anything. So that could be a sign saying - you need to work cuz you aren’t ever having a kid, so take this cuz you need it to keep a schedule so that you can work. I also think Tammy was a big help to me in realizing all the more that I need to work.

She told me that the cancer has left Bill impotent and that he gets hard and soft, but can’t cum. She told me that she’s certain that Tom has a genuine problem and that he may never admit it and she doesn’t know if any doctor could ever get him to admit it or if a doctor could help him. I still think the bulk of me may always believe that he’s lying more so, but Tammy really drove it into me the fact that it’s cruel of me to judge him so harshly, not take him at face value and not be supportive and understanding of him and love him unconditionally when he’s accepted me for the way I am.

Maybe, just maybe, he is telling the truth and can’t admit that he has a physical problem and due to my being so caught up in my feeling he’s a liar, which he still very well may be, I keep forgetting the bottom line. I’m a DES daughter, my instinct and vibes say a kid isn’t meant to be, a kid is wrong for me, God won’t allow me a kid me, so does it really matter whether or not Tom’s lying? Does it really matter whether or not Tom will admit it and want to get help?

Half the people I’ve talked to believe what Tom believes. That it’s virtually impossible to conceive unless the guy cums in there cuz a few sperm aren’t likely to make it up there and that’s why there are millions. The other half says what Tammy says. She said if he really was afraid of me getting pregnant, he’d use birth control, cuz the pre-cum could get me pregnant and that someone who’s been fucking without protection for this long has an excellent chance of being sterile.

She also did say that if I stop calling him a liar and see if he opens up to me and wait to see what happens next April, maybe I’ll see if it’s meant to be or not. She said if it is meant to be, it’ll be.

The two things I’m most sorry for are that I really realize that he could just not be lying after all and if that’s true, I feel so guilty and so ashamed of myself. The other thing is, there’s no way in hell I can or will ever have a kid no matter what the real case is and I don’t think I’ll ever know for sure what the real case is. I’ll never know for sure if he’s lying or not and he swears he’ll never confess he lied to me, cuz he didn’t. Well, like I said, whether he’s lying or not or has a physical problem, I’ll probably never know.

I just wish guys weren’t so fucked up sexually. They either rape or only think below the belt all the time or they have problems they can’t deal with or won’t deal with and they end up lying to their women about it and making false promises as if they told a little white lie.

Tammy’s right, though, when she says forget about the kid, and remember that if it’s meant to be then it will be, and maybe someday we can adopt. Well, I don’t see either of us wanting to adopt and it’s certainly not to be.

When I look back, I guess I can see almost as many signs that said he’s got a physical problem, but I think I’ll always mainly believe what I said I’d probably mainly believe. I just wish I kept my mind open all along to other possibilities about Tom, however slight, and not been so angry at him when the real source of my never having a kid is the DES and God.

Yes, this wake-up call from Tammy and the possibilities of the Melatonin must be my sign from God telling me to work. I still don’t know where, what or when, but I’m sure I’ll be working soon enough.

Tammy said with confidence that destiny will come, but I think I’ve already lived it. I think things are meant to be as they are for me and I’ve reached my peak.

When Tammy was talking about unconditional love, she told me that Bill cheated on her when she was 7 months pregnant with Sarah and that she was hurt, angry and didn’t trust him for a while, but through communication, they worked it out and built their relationship back up.

She told me that about 9 years ago she’d get moody for no reason and everyone accused her of being a bitch and for deliberately acting that way, but she knew she had an honest problem. Lots of people have that just like the ADD. I’ve got and lots of people just don’t understand us or give a damn.

Tammy said I should get tested, but I don’t want to bother. I’m still sure in my mind that I’m sterile and whether I am or not doesn’t matter unless Tom ever does cum and then we’ll find out anyhow.

I also realized that I’ve been practicing what I preach. Now, it’s easy for me to say that his lies and procrastination are bigger, but lies and procrastination are just that. I promised to try more often to cut down on smoking and to smoke outside and I haven’t been. I said I’d decorate his monthly work calendar. It’s now halfway through the month and I just did it. No, I’m not perfect either.