So much for saying I haven’t heard from Robin lately. She came around again saying not to worry about next door waking me up and that I won’t wake up wheezing and that I will be finding out I’m pregnant by September. Bull fucking shit! OK, so they didn’t wake me up and I didn’t wake up wheezing, but why does she have to bullshit me along with Tom? The last thing I need is a spirit lying to me. My husband’s enough.

When I called Larry to see if he got Ma’s card I made up, Dad was there. He says it’s cold there and things are just starting to bloom around there. Also, Philip moved to Florida and the house is up for sale again that we had on Birchwood Ave.

Tom’s friend Eileen’s daughter has a friend who’s really into sign language. She’s going to college to make a career out of it, which I didn’t know you could do. I thought what you had to do was take signing classes, then get other credentials in psychology and all kinds of other things that I didn’t want to bother with. Well, hopefully we can meet someday, as Tom hopes too, so we can sign together.

If for some reason the singing doesn’t work out or mount to anything, the signing is something to think about.

Now, let me try to get my mind to remember all that Tom and I talked about since the last time I wrote.

For the most part, nothing he says makes sense. He claims that we’ve been through so many changes constantly and that I can’t see it cuz all I see are big changes and not subtle ones. Well, if there have been any changes, they obviously aren’t all that great or important. Then he says that we’ve been through thousands of changes sexually. Yeah, right! This is what our sex life has really been about: First he couldn’t get it in there, but then he could. Then we managed to do a couple of other positions and that’s it. You call that thousands of changes? Who does he think he’s kidding?

Then he says he doesn’t want to control our sex life by making anything happen, but he doesn’t want to not allow changes to occur. Well, I haven’t stopped any changes from occurring, but he obviously has and obviously his not putting any effort into making changes hasn’t helped. Any doctor would say so too and tell him that if he really wants the pleasure of cumming and to have a kid he’s gonna have to work at it and do stuff to make it happen.

While I’ve come to realize how true it is that a kid would destroy us and how wrong it’d be for us, we all still want things here and there that aren’t good for us. Well, Tom was right when he said you can’t control or manipulate your thoughts, but maybe not totally. Maybe if a person works really hard at it, they can change their feelings and emotions. Some block out bad things in their lives, but I can’t block out my desire for a kid, so maybe what I need to do is change my thinking. If I keep reminding myself of how wrong it is for us, maybe that’ll help make the desire easier to deal with and then I won’t be so angry with Tom. No, I don’t want him to cum to make a kid, cuz it’s wrong, but I still want him to cum so I can feel like I’m not a sexual failure. Without birth control, I can’t have both of those, unless I truly am sterile, which I probably am, but maybe if I do what Robin suggested, Tom will continue to forget about cumming altogether without my having to feel like some sexual misfit from hell.

Robin said that anytime I feel like I’m gonna freak out from sadness or anger over the situation, to call on her and that she’ll help me get through it and make it easier for the both of us to deal with it. That’s nice, but why would I want to call on a liar?

I’m like a battery that runs for a few days but then needs to be recharged by venting my anger, frustration and sadness. If I do this with Tom, I end up feeling a bit better for a while, but it brings him down and turns him off. At the same time, it turns him on and he gets his jollies off it cuz my whining about his promising us a kid and bailing out on that promise is exactly what he wants to hear.

I want to find a way to not give God and Tom the reaction they crave and expect while finding a way for me to deal with and vent any of my feelings, beliefs and emotions. I quit trying to fight fate. There’s just no fucking way. You can’t fight God and win and I can’t fight Tom and win. Not as far as the kid goes anyway. He’s the one with the sperm and power to cum or not to cum.

The most confusing thing Tom said is cuz I don’t believe him and cuz I’m so sure that a kid’s not meant to be and other things, we’ll never be able to communicate better. He said something about how he can’t tell me certain things about him and that I don’t know a 10th of what he’s all about cuz I keep on going back to what I’m sure of and don’t believe during our conversations. I don’t get this. What does what I think or believe or say have to do with what he feels or believes and why should this stop him from telling me more things that are on his mind? Doesn’t he have a mind of his own? Why does he always have to use me as an excuse for why he can’t do or say things and blame me for it, yet say it’s not my fault? I’m not the one who said we’d have a kid, and then never did anything to achieve that. If I was physically stopping, blocking or doing whatever to prevent him from having a kid or from doing anything else, then yes, he can blame me. However, he’s made his own choice to be the way he is in and out of bed. The only things I’ve asked of him are to be neater and not leave stuff out so much and he’s improved dramatically on this.

Unless he’s that bad of a liar and unless he thinks I’m that stupid and naïve, I know that when he’s ready, he’ll admit that he never wanted a kid. I can’t say for sure how I’ll react, but I’m only human. I’m not gonna laugh about it and pretend I’m not hurt or angry over his fucking me out of something I wanted and he said he wanted. When people get married, they should tell the truth upfront as to whether or not they want kids and stick to it unless they have a genuine physical problem. Then, no later than 1 year after realizing that they’ve got a physical problem, they should go get help. Not wait 2 or 3 or 4 or more years. I asked Tom point-blank if he was gonna “fight” the doctors cuz he didn’t really want to ever go and cuz he did it to compromise with me and he said no. And what makes him think I can believe him? Anyone that can lie about wanting a kid could be lying about anything, as far as I’m concerned. He’s such a smooth con artist, but he doesn’t fool me. He’ll never let those doctors help him or change him and he’s gonna lie right to their fucking faces just like he has with me.