Yes, I hate God for lots of reasons and always will, but once again, I see how much he really is protecting Tom and I and our marriage. Andy was telling me an all too familiar story that I hear all the time. Like with Tom, Donna’s husband kept insisting he wanted a kid. The only difference was that he let her get pregnant. Sure enough, though, as soon as that baby was born, he didn’t want a thing to do with it and their marriage is really strained and the guy’s jealous of any attention Donna gives the kid. It makes me wonder and think yet again, perhaps it really, really is the best thing and the right thing to just want one here and there and I should be grateful that Tom’s a liar. Just like he is when he says he’s gonna wake me up for fun. He pulled that one on me a few nights ago, saying he was gonna wake me, but luckily he didn’t cuz I hate that. I usually have a hard enough time going to sleep, so when I go to sleep, I need to stay that way.

With each passing day, I see how much easier it is to just wonder what it would’ve been like to have a kid. What would she or he be like? Is it worth risking my life and marriage to go and make that all a reality, even if I could? I don’t think so. I’ve known so many people whose marriages were okay or great and bringing kids into it just totally ruined it.

Andy got his problems resolved with his coworkers, so that’s good.

He was also telling me about a funny dream that he had last night. We’ve both had similar dreams, but luckily I haven’t had one for quite a while. They’re usually depressing, but his was kind of funny. He fell asleep with the cat Beavis whom he and Michelle share and have joint custody of. Then, in his dream, he had two days off of work, so he decided to hitch a ride home, then get back in time for work. So, he hitched a ride and got there in 10 minutes and began walking up to his old house on Old Farm Rd. It was this time of year and it was spring there and everything was nice and green. Then, as he got closer to his house, it was winter and there was 2” of snow. Then when he got to the backyard of his house, looking for his cat, there was 2’ of snow. He tried to get in the back door with his cat Buddy when two other cats were trying to get in the back door with his cat. His brother Gary was there and said, “Hi, Andy. What a surprise!”

He told Gary that he wouldn’t be there too long and that he was just there on his days off and not to tell anyone he was there cuz he didn’t come to visit people. He just wanted to see his cat. Gary said that was no problem and he could stay as long as he wanted to. Then those other two cats started fighting with Buddy and he kicked one of them in the head and then the cats started biting Andy. Then Andy got confused cuz he felt his head being bitten and wasn’t sure if it was a dream or not cuz his cat Beavis play bites him a lot.

Later…

Tom’s gonna be late. Bummer. I really want to go swimming with him.

Anyway, that talk I had with Larry and Tammy was cool and we were teasing each other a lot. Larry said that his stone should be the biggest since he’s the oldest and I said that cuz I’m the youngest, mine can be smaller so it’s cheaper. Larry said I was really born in November, but they weren’t ready for me so they shoved me back up there till December.

When I wrote to Larry, I remembered to let him know that in the course of our talk with Tammy, I typed 10 letters and drank 5 cups of coffee.

Tom had a neat idea. He wants to find figurines of pigeons and mold others with the plaster of Paris, then have me paint them the different colors and patterns of all the birds. I might draw that first, though. He said it’d be a keepsake for when we move. Oh, there’s no hurry on that. We won’t move till well into the year 2000 with the way things are going and yes, I know. If we’d ever had that kid, who knows then if we’d ever get out of here.

Andy was saying how he saw what I meant about how close these houses are. He said that next door is practically right on top of us and the basketball hoop is right outside the window. True. If I were on our roof, I could easily jump across to theirs with no fear and without having to struggle to make a big leap. Next door’s only 5’ away.