Oh, I’m so fucking pissed off right now! I woke up to street noise at 10:00 cuz the fan was off. I thought it was just a little power failure and called APS to ask when the power would be back on. They said it was disconnected due to non-payment, so I called Tom at work who called them. Then he came home and called his parents who gave us $500 to turn it back on. We owed $200 but they wanted a deposit as well as the next two months’ worth. Tom had said that he just talked to them and he sent in a payment and they agreed to wait for the rest of it. But what did the asshole there do? They said they had no such policy when Tom called them today.

The reason why I’m so pissed off is cuz this is all my fault. It’s both of our faults, actually. It was obviously more important to him that I stay home so he could play with my head and make false promises to me about a kid, instead of telling me the truth so I could get on with my life and get out there and bring in a second income so we could avoid shit like this happening. I’m so pissed off at myself for not sticking with the dancing all along or doing something. I’m through listening to this man. He got his way with the kid and he’s not gonna get his way with trying to talk me out of dancing.

Now I’m gladder than ever that he did get his way with the kid and yes, God is truly protecting us and his not wanting a kid is a blessing. We couldn’t afford a kid whether I worked or not. We couldn’t afford daycare or a babysitter if we both worked and if I stayed home, I’m not gonna be the one to look at it and have to tell it how sorry I am that we can’t afford to feed it cuz we can’t afford for me to work cuz we can’t afford a sitter for it or daycare.

I talked to Tammy who still says Tom’s not lying to me and that he loves me and has a genuine problem and how hard it is for men to admit their fears or when they’re going through hell. I told her he doesn’t seem the least bit bothered by his so-called problem cuz he doesn’t really have a problem and she was like, “How do you know? These things aren’t easy for guys to admit. My husband still won’t admit that he’s afraid to die.” She says she’s gonna do some investigating on her end cuz I told her I’ve never heard of a case like ours and I couldn’t find any literature on it, but I don’t give a fuck anymore! We are not going to have a kid. It isn’t meant to be. He doesn’t want it. I don’t want it without being rich and from now on I shall unselfishly turn my back on anything else I may ever want really bad cuz it’s not meant to be. Life doesn’t work that way for me. I’ve got to work till I check into college in September.

Then I called my mom, and this is bullshit but she says she can’t help us out cuz she’s not in season and that she and Dad are struggling to pay their bills. Yeah, right! Then she went on and on how I need to grow up, get a life, and get a job so I can help my husband and do my fair share to provide for us and that I have no right to just sit at home and be a loser.

She’s right in that everyone has to do jobs they don’t like and that even if I only brought in $20 a week, that’s $80 a month. True. Very true.

Thank God for Tom’s parents, though, and I told him to thank them for me and tell them that this was my fault.

Why did I have to waste all this time listening to Tom?! I knew from the get-go that he was lying about the kid, so why didn’t I just get on with my life and at least work? I hate myself for being such a sucker and letting myself be played for a fool. Why did I let my own self be set up to fall? I hate myself as much as I hate him. I let him bullshit me and I sat on my ass and did nothing while he did so. Oh, I hate myself!!! My mother was right when she said a long time ago that I never should’ve been born. All my existence has brought are people lying to me and me letting others down. Why do I even bother living when practically everyone I’ve ever known has fucked me over and I’ve been no good to anyone else? What have I ever done for anyone or contributed to this world? I let Tom lie to me. I let myself take it. No, I don’t want a divorce. I just want him to stop lying to me and I want myself to get a life and stop being a stupid waste product and a sucker.

It’s like, what the fuck was I thinking? That we’d be rich soon enough and that Tom would mean it when he says he wants a kid and would start cumming and that God would let my plumbing be OK and that he’d let me have a kid and that it wouldn’t ruin our marriage? Yeah, right! What planet was I from?

I listened to my parent’s lies, Jenny C’s, the people at Brattleboro and Valleyhead, Scott M and so many others who promised to be my friend and who promised never to lie to me or fuck me over. No more! No fucking more!!

I’m so pissed off at myself, Tom and this world that I wish someone who fucked me over was here in this room so I could beat the shit out of them and really vent some of this frustration. But like my mom said, once I get working, I’ll feel better about myself for standing on my own two feet and doing my share and for doing the right thing…getting real and doing the only thing I could ever do with my life.