I haven’t been writing consistently cuz my mind was just so overwhelmed. I wish my talk with Tammy was recorded and I wish my thoughts were, too. Every time I think of something I want to write, it’s not always convenient for me to write a note about it. I’ll just have to try my best to remember stuff from here.

Once again, Tammy’s basically saying that I should love Tom unconditionally whether or not he’s lied, or can or can’t admit what his problem is or whether he wants help or not. I guess what I need to do is continue to not feel hurt or angry or that he lied to me, cuz of the DES as the bottom line, anyway. I should remember that while I shouldn’t call him a liar, I shouldn’t take the things he says or promises too literally, either. People make small talk, people contradict themselves and each other, people say things that they don’t mean literally and that’s just life.

I wrote Tom a little note that I was gonna work really hard at supporting him, doing for him, loving him, and allowing him to do what he feels best for him and that I’d stop trying to change him. He seems pleased that I’ve finally come to not take him so literally and that I’ve agreed to let him be as he is.

I don’t think I’ll ever be so angry at him again about this since it’s God’s doing and the DES’s doing. At least I hope the anger and depression are gone. I mean, it isn’t gone and it may never be gone, but hopefully it’ll stay dormant where it’s easier to deal with. I hope I really can be looking forward to the end of feeling like I’m gonna die over it. I want so much to be happy. I hate feeling miserable and depressed and like I said, I miss how much happier I was when I first got here, but I don’t miss that life.

I believe Tom when he says he’s never gonna give me a confession. I think he’s just gonna continue not to do anything towards having a kid, but I don’t think I’ll ever know for sure if he’s lying or not or if he can and will be helped or not. I think all I can do is have theories about it for the rest of my life. Perhaps he knew all along that he’s really got a physical problem, but never had the heart to tell me and I don’t think impotence can be cured. Whatever the case, maybe he is rather embarrassed about it and I know he’s a sensitive guy.

At least he seems to know now, that he can cum or not cum and that whatever he chooses to do that makes him happy is what matters. We all have to give up things for our loved ones and if giving up the hopes of him cumming and us having a kid is what it’s gonna take to make him happy, then so be it. Even if the DES didn’t make me infertile, I had no right to try to change him and make him cum and it’s my fault that I took his promise so literally. I wouldn’t believe someone who said I had purple hair and green skin and was tall, but I should’ve known him better from the get-go.

Tom’s gonna take a couple of sick days off from work so he can take me to put in job applications and I’m also working really hard on the drawing. I can’t believe I’ve done 5 pretty decent face drawings in the last few days. I hope this luck isn’t compensated. Tom says he doesn’t think it’s luck anymore, but that I’m improving. I hope so and I think so, too.

I wonder if Tom knows I’ve told Andy and Tammy about us? He made a point to tell me to be careful what I say cuz he doesn’t want to be made out to sound like a wife-beater or something he’s not. When he said this, I wondered. If he knows, he either bugged the phone or read my journals, but I don’t feel I’m doing anything wrong. After he threw that fit over my calling that nurse, he said it didn’t matter who I spoke to and Andy, Tammy and Kim can be trusted. They’re not gonna discuss it with anyone and if they did, it’d be with those who Tom and I don’t know. When we agreed on April of ‘97, I thought he meant that he didn’t want either of us to speak to a doctor about it in person till April of ‘97.

Since I can’t remember anything else that I had thought of to write in here and since I can’t remember every single thing Tammy and I said, I’m gonna leave it at this. I covered more than the highlights, anyway.

From here on out I’ll be basically working on trying to find myself and get a job going and get a life and make something practical and realistic out of myself. I’ll work on not taking Tom too seriously and literally, but not always insist that he’s a liar. I’ll definitely work on forgetting that kid. Maybe in the next life or in heaven, if such things exist.

I always knew a kid wasn’t to be for me and I’ve always accepted this, but if I have anything nice to say about God, it’s that I believe he’s helped me to deal with it and I believe he sent Tammy to help me put a closure to this kid issue and to deal with it better. I also believe that along with Tammy as my sign to get on the right track in life, he sent the Melatonin to me and helped me improve my drawing. I haven’t taken the Melatonin yet and I don’t know if it’ll help, but we’ll see.

I’m still so sorry for taking Tom literally and I’m sorry I misunderstood him when he said he wanted a kid. I believe he’s like an alcoholic. Alcoholics don’t always know when they’re drinking and doing certain things and they don’t always know they’ve got a problem and what they’re saying. Just like an alcoholic may keep saying they don’t have a problem, Tom kept saying he wanted a kid, and I as his wife should’ve seen through that and should’ve seen what he really wanted and not misunderstood him.

Here’s that poem Tom wanted me to write. It’s about how I perceive life and people in a very brief way.

Truth or Lies?

People may contradict themselves and each other.
People may lie or tell the truth to each other.
How much do people really mean what they say?
You may not find that out today.
How much do people really want what they say?
Only time will show us that.
Who are those that really love us?
It’s those that really show us that.
It’s up to us to weed out the truth,
And in time we’ll all know the truth.

Now I’m gonna keep this journal right by me so that I can write stuff down as I think of them during the course of the day.

Later...

I prayed again to God the other night and told him that I knew that this kid thing becoming easier and easier to deal with means that I’m closer to having a new issue to replace it. I told God - fine. Go for it. He can give me something new cuz the kid issue was just so old and miserable that I’m well overdue for something new for a change to have to deal with.

Later...

I just talked to Andy and filled him in on my chat with Tammy and he told me a few things. He and the Fireflies, his fantasy life as a touring worldwide singer, are going on tour soon for about 14 months. He’s been living out this fantasy for over 10 years and I play along with him as do others. He’s in a band with 2 or 3 others just like Fleetwood Mac and they mostly do alternative stuff and some rock stuff. Tom and I will be joining him for the first week in California. I told him I’d go with him to Hawaii and maybe some Spanish-speaking country as well as England so I could hear my favorite accent spoken.

Someone’s over next door doing yard work, but they’ve been quiet, so that’s good. It looks like they’ve hired someone to do their yard work. I’ve seen the same orange pickup truck out there once or twice before. The truck has lawnmowers and shit like that in it and I couldn’t see any writing on the truck, so it may be someone that they know. I hope they do yard work just cuz it needs to be done and not cuz they’re gonna have some huge party or live outdoors. Now would be a hell of a time for that, though, since it’s so hot. In fact, I’ll probably go swimming in a couple of hours.

I also called upon Robin one last time and told her that she, as a spirit, had no right or reason to lie to me. Spirits should be the last ones in this world to be liars and I told her that I’ll miss her and I appreciate her being right about next door, but that the last thing I need is her around telling me I’ll be pregnant by September when I know the truth and need to get on with my life. I’m making a very serious effort to not take Tom so literally and not be so quick to call him a liar and to stop fighting fate and to do the right thing and try to work for the rest of my life, so I don’t need this shit. She listened to what I had to say, said quickly that she wasn’t lying, and then quickly left. Good riddance. I suppose I’ll never know why she lied to me any more than I’ll know for sure what the scoop is with Tom. Well, God wants us all to have theories and dreams, or else he’d give us all we want in life and have us all know the answers to everything. Life definitely is about dreaming and guessing and playing detective as we weed out and learn what people really mean when they talk, as well as helping and doing for others while we love them and accept them as they are and not try to change them. Most of us may not live up to these rules and expectations, but I sure do intend to try harder than ever.

This morning Tom said that he felt like I wasn’t being very affectionate and that I was trying to avoid him. I’m not trying to avoid him, but I’m not ready to have sex again. I told him that if that’s what he wants, OK. However, I had thought it best to just be buddies for a while and build the relationship up before taking a chance on having sex complicating things. I told him I’ll go along with whatever he wants cuz I don’t want to neglect him or not give him what he wants or needs.

On Saturday we might be going to a tag sale in Paradise Valley. It’s a friend of Eileen’s that’s having it and if Eileen’s there; Tom may get free computer stuff. He doesn’t know if she’s gonna be there. Sorry, I forgot, it’s called a yard sale out here.

Sometime this weekend we’re also gonna get me new erasers and a stumper. The stumper is used for blending and shading sketches.

I’ve also got to get Tammy and Bill a card for their 10th anniversary that’s on the 25th.

We’ll also be seeing his parents too.

Tomorrow we’re finally sending away for those bee things. I hope to hell it works so I can go swimming during the day without fear. It’s supposed to send off sounds that humans can’t hear, but that’s supposed to drive bees and other insects crazy and keep them away.

Tom also picked up bombs so we can be free of spiders for 3 or 4 months.

I spoke to Kim yesterday. Neither of us has heard from Bob in a few days, but we don’t mind the break at all.

Kim isn’t seeing Doug anymore. She didn’t really get into why, but I guess they couldn’t communicate too well themselves.

Later…

I called Tammy and according to her, she hasn’t gotten the card I made up for Ma yet. She said maybe Larry gave it to dad. I hope so. I called Larry’s house and they finally have an answering machine. I left him a message about it.