It’s been quiet so far today, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the little unruly monsters come out to play on their monkey bars any minute now.

I had cramps earlier, but Ibuprofen took care of that and I’ve been trying to keep busy when possible. I did laundry and de-dutied the patio.

Later…

All’s still peaceful and no assholes next door. They haven’t been around for most of the weekend. I think she was dropped off by someone yesterday evening, but they were out all day yesterday and today. Fine with me.

When my cramps settled down, I said to Tom, “I want to get pregnant next month instead of having to go to work.”

“Fine with me,” he said, but I know better. I know what I can and need to do, but why do I get the feeling he’s making little excuses to stop me? He said he wants me to get a job doing something I like, but that’s just a fantasy. Everyone hates their jobs, or else I’d have been doing what I like to do a long time ago. He said we should save the $2 it costs for a paper to get cigarettes with till next week and next week I should be more comfortable with my schedule. I’m sure his parents or David and Evie have the paper and I can’t keep using my schedule as an excuse to not do what’s right and what needs to be done. I can’t use that as an excuse any more than I can use my asthma or the ADD.

Tom told me that he knows in his mind that my parents feel bad about the funny farms, foster homes, etc. He feels that they felt they were doing the right thing at the time, only to regret it and that they’ll feel guilty about it all their lives and will always feel uncomfortable around me. He says they still care about me and love me, but they’re never gonna know how to interact with me that well or how to deal with me without feeling uncomfortable and guilty. Well, I know Mom’s expressed feelings about Brattleboro being a mistake, but do they really feel that guilty or sorry about the whole thing? No. I don’t think so, anyway. I also don’t think it was just a case of them feeling it was best to toss me away. I think they gave up on me and just didn’t want to deal with me, so they stuck me in other people’s hands. Mom’s made it a common practice since I was around 7 to get rid of me. First it was camps or other people’s houses and then all the places I was sent to when I became a ward of the state. They always expressed high opinions about Valleyhead, which of course, I felt was just about the worst place of them all, so if that’s changed, I don’t know. I think they weren’t too happy with the stops along the way to Valleyhead, like Brattleboro, the foster homes, and the state hospital, but once at Valleyhead, I think they were thrilled about it and I thought they still would be, but I could never know for sure what’s really in their minds about it and it’s done and over with, anyway.

I used to wish they would feel guilty about it all, but now that there’s a chance they might, I have mixed emotions about it. I mean, yeah, I felt they gave up on me and I’ll never forget those places and it’ll probably always affect me in different ways, but at the same time, maybe they didn’t know this and thought it’d help me. Also, once the quack shrinks, who are usually no better than street drug dealers, saw that my folks were never on my side, took that to their advantage and preyed on my parent’s trust in them and they drugged me up and labeled me crazy, and my parents, who trust doctors, believed them. So the shrinks are guilty, too, for brainwashing my parents and me and helping my parents to brainwash me.