Well, Tom’s dad is 84 today. I hope his birthday isn’t too miserable in spite of his condition.

Last night when I talked to Andy, he threw out some other ideas, suggestions and possibilities, but in the end, we were both still sure it’s a case of just what I know it’s a case of. He’s too scared to cum cuz he doesn’t want a kid and he doesn’t have the guts to tell me for fear of my reaction. It isn’t just fear of my reaction, but it’s also something he couldn’t enjoy playing with my head about anymore if he confessed. Maybe after 5 more years, he’ll have played this game enough, it’ll get old with him, and then he’ll be less afraid to tell me the truth. It’d be pure fantasy to wish him to have a kid with me, so realistically, I wish he’d just fess up. I pleaded with God earlier to please make him tell the truth, but all I sensed was anger and at the same time, I could see God laughing at me.

Andy told me a long time ago that he had sex with a girl once in his teens. He said that if he were afraid to make a kid, he wouldn’t be able to get hard and that’s what that nurse I talked to said was the case with her boyfriend till he let go once, got her pregnant and split. But Andy did get hard enough to go in her. I know he didn’t cum and that he was nervous about it cuz he didn’t want a kid, but he still got in there for a few minutes.

Remember how I asked if it was a coincidence that Tom and I each have abnormal things about us that the other has never heard about? I wonder if Andy and I are a coincidence. Not only are we both dealing with a serious issue that has us miserable, but we seem to both have reversed sides on some issues. Meaning, that until a few years ago, Andy never wanted a relationship, but there were offers from those that weren’t exactly second best. Now that he does want a relationship, he can’t even find that. Not with the right person, anyway. Then there’s my case. Everyone else I was with before meeting Tom, I wished could be one-sided sexually. I wished they’d just take care of me and me only cuz it was boring and a real drag for me to take care of them. Now I’ve got someone that I’d love to take care of whether or not I wanted a kid and he won’t let me. Well, he fakes it. We just pretend I’m taking care of him when in fact all I’m doing is exciting him so he can relieve himself later.

It’s just a no-win situation. I can’t have a kid, but I can’t make myself not want one, as wrong as it would be. I don’t want to be alone again, yet I don’t want to be with a liar.

Then Andy went on to tell me a story that even weirder than Tom is and Tom’s as weird as you can get.

Michelle has a 20-year-old friend who’s a really beautiful girl, from what they say and she was brave enough and honest enough to tell them that she’s not a virgin, but has never been stimulated, let alone able to cum. She can’t get excited or turned on by others and she can’t excite her own self or bring her own self to cum. Now that’s weird! This is someone who I’d say really does have a real, serious physical problem. So this brought Andy to wonder if Tom’s really ever had an orgasm and if he’s in denial about never being able to cum in his whole life, but no way. Then how could he get hard? If it were physical, he’d never be able to even get hard in the first place. Another reason why Andy had a moment where he thought it was a real, legit, physical problem was cuz it just didn’t make sense to him and he said, “I don’t see how he could not cum. I mean, eventually he’d have to cum. This isn’t something you can control. I know I’ve mentioned how guys hold back for a while, but eventually you do have to cum.” Well, Tom can hold back at all times and Tom doesn’t need to cum cuz he’s too afraid to.

Andy took the words right out of my mouth when he said that if Tom can lie about this, he could lie about anything. Yup, he could.

His reaction was also just what mine was and he said the same thing when I told him that Tom said that not talking about it for two weeks would be his cure-all to not cumming.

Yeah, right!

Andy agrees that if he’s been this way since we’ve been together, then it’s permanent.

The only thing that doesn’t go or make sense is that Tom’s otherwise overall character doesn’t go with telling such a lie like this. Scott M, my parents and others I’ve known would, so that’s why I think it’s a case of love and hate.

Andy suggested that maybe he never really wanted a wife and kid, but just a buddy. Someone to take care of and someone to take care of him. Other than my sexual needs and maternal instincts, he takes care of me, but he doesn’t need me to take care of him. If I dropped out of the picture right now, he’d be just fine. He has a car which he can drive and a job. He’d save more money if he was alone and he doesn’t need me to cook for him and he doesn’t need any of my stuff and he doesn’t need his house cleaned. We all know that he loves that trashed style of living, so why should he care? He doesn’t need me. There’s nothing that I can’t do for him that he can’t do for himself and if there is anything he can’t do for himself that I could do for him, it’s not anything he’d need to survive.

Andy’s not entirely sure what to believe, but the more I fill him in, I believe he believes what I do and he said so. I think he wishes, though, that he could believe otherwise, just like I sometimes wish I could. I’d hate to believe Tom but have him be lying in reality as he really is lying in reality. I pity those wives who refuse to believe their husbands are cheating on them when they really are. I’d hate to be that much of a sucker. I’m already enough of a sucker. I believed Tom when he said he wanted a kid, just like I believed Scott and my parents and so many others who promised to keep their word and be good to me.

I believe in that saying - what goes around comes around and I’d like to think that life or God would get him back for lying to me, but that won’t happen. He’s doing just what the master ordered. He and God are on the same side, so God isn’t gonna punish him or have some other source punish him.

I know it’s not me. Meaning, I know Tom’s not really all that attracted to me sexually, or else he’d probably have admitted the truth from the get-go so we could use protection so he could get off, but I know he doesn’t think I’m ugly. When I was with the people I was with in the past, neither of us wanted kids, I was usually fat and I knew less in bed than I know now, yet they had no problem getting off with me.

Tom says it’s impossible for words to “fall out” of the computer’s dictionary that I’ve added in.

Then how come they are?

Also, Tom tested and checked out my drawings on the computer with the backgrounds I whitened in and he said it looked better than he thought it’d look. So, I’m gonna go ahead and whiten more and who knows what we’ll try to sell and when. He said that he can’t see me making money by selling so many art disks as he can people requesting certain drawings from me if they like my style. He says people can be more personal with people that sell stuff by computers. It’s not like going to a bookstore where you can’t personally connect with the author like you can in this way.

“Better than I thought,” said Tom. That’s what he said about sex when we started sharing the same bedroom. He said it was better than he ever thought it could be. Yeah, better than he thought with no relief.