Tom got the Melatonin today and a sketchbook for me. That was so nice of him. The sketchbook is about the same size as those of my journals that are wirebound that I typed up. It’ll fit on the shelves nicely with my journals. Journals 92 and 87 are so drastically different in size that it doesn’t really matter anyhow. I’ve already done one sketch so far; Minnie Mouse with a Dove flying by her.

Here’s what’s written on the bottle of Melatonin which contains 90 small 1 mg pills. Tablets: Natural Melatonin keeps the body in rhythm with the day and the seasons. The body naturally releases Melatonin in response to changes in light, with melatonin levels rising at night. It is in this way that melatonin helps promote sleep.

You take 1 an hour before bedtime, then another one may be taken right before you crash or during wakeful periods during the night. Oh, how I hope this works and that this is the answer to keeping me on day schedule! However, I’ve learned and know real damn well not to get my hopes up. Next Friday night is when I’ll probably take my first one cuz by then I should be back on days.

We’re also gonna give some to his parents cuz they’re having trouble sleeping at night.

He said the reason why he got it now, instead of waiting, was cuz he wants me to have whatever I need in my life to make me happy. You know I only partially believe that, of course, cuz if that were all true he wouldn’t be lying to me about the kid. He’d let us have one or let us go see someone.

I asked him if it was OK with the fact that he didn’t cum or if he was hurt or frustrated by it more than he let on. He says he’s OK with it cuz he knows it’s not permanent. Well, I believe him thoroughly when he says he’s OK with it as I’m pretty damn good at sniffing out a liar. But how can he be OK with it? How can anyone be OK with it? It takes someone really damn afraid of having a kid and really damn afraid to tell their wife that for anyone to be OK with it. I asked him if he’s sure enough about knowing it’s not permanent to bet our lives on it. He said he’d never bet anyone’s life on something, but he’d bet all his favorite material things on it. How can anyone say they want a kid for two years, but be OK with not cumming? How can anyone be happy that way even if they didn’t want a kid?

Yeah, he wants me to be happy, but only on his own terms and under his own conditions. He’d walk out in public naked, screw every guy in town and rob a bank to keep me from getting pregnant if he had to.

It’s almost like he’s testing me and playing this game with me and that as long as I don’t pass his little tests and figure him out, he’ll never change in any way. He says he can’t till we communicate better. What’s communicating got to do with a person enjoying an orgasm and having an orgasm to have the kid they say they want? The bulk of the population can’t communicate well, but they have no problem. He says we need to communicate better, but at the same time I can’t speak my mind, or else we can’t move on and communicate better. Well, I’m sorry if the truth hurts him and that he doesn’t want to hear it when we talk. I’m not gonna lie to him and no one should be forced to keep their opinions to themselves just cuz others don’t like them. I should be able to say what I’ve got to say as often as I’ve got to say it.

He’s so confusing and I can see the smirk on his face and how much he gets off of teasing me and playing with my head. He told me not to just think of pleasing only myself sexually, then in the next breath, he says to just take care of myself and not worry about him. I told him I always go into having sex with the fact in mind that I’ll cum and he’ll just get hard and that’s all I plan on. Then he said something about my going into it with his cumming in mind, then going into it thinking between those 2 things and I’m like - what? What the fuck does he mean? Then he says I don’t understand him. Well, if he’s just gonna lie and tease me and be such a joker, then that’s his problem. He needs to stop bullshitting me and joking around, get serious and tell me how he feels and what he wants in plain English. I told him to stop lying to me and stop playing with my head and either put his actions where his mouth is or admit he doesn’t want a kid. I’m sick of being lied to and mentally teased and tortured.

I also told him that the day he shows me he’s worthy of my getting better in bed, then I will. Meanwhile, I’m good enough and people have gotten off with me when I knew less than I do now and if he’s gonna be so easy, then no, I don’t need to think about his needs when all he wants is a hard-on.

I hope he realizes how lucky he is for me to still love him and for me to still be here putting up with his shit. Just about any other woman would’ve figured him out like I have and left. Andy too, said that most women would’ve left him before I even brought that up first.

I suggested we go to the library and look for books on communication and relationships and he said, “We’ll see.” You’d think he’d be a bit more eager if that’s the real problem here, but I feel I’ve told him what I want, but he’s just talk and no action.

He tells me so many things have happened and are happening that I’m too blind to see. Could’ve fooled me. I know what I’ve heard and I know what I’ve seen.

Now I know what they mean when they say there’s a fine line between love and hate. He loves me enough to take me through surgery, feed me and get me things I need as well as stuff I want such as journals and more, but he hates me so much that he’s willing to sacrifice his own sexual pleasure just to lie to me and tease me and make me miserable.

Maybe in the end, Tom will use my saying we’ll never have a kid cuz of the way he is as an excuse for why we really never did. Yeah, I wouldn’t be surprised if he blamed me for his own fears and his own reasons for not wanting a kid.

Tom’s the only one I ever heard of and met who gets hard but doesn’t cum and I’m the only one he’s ever met who has an irregular sleeping schedule. Is this not a coincidence? Is God trying to tell us something? Is there some hidden meaning in this that I haven’t figured out yet?

Before meeting Tom, God rubbed guys in my face constantly. They were everywhere in almost all aspects of my life. Then, when I met Tom, I figured God had done that as a sign telling me that he always wanted me with a guy. Well, there may not be a million screaming kids outside my windows, but every other commercial or TV show on TV is kids this and kids that. If he hasn’t been rubbing them in my face as he has been since 1992, then what’s the scoop? God certainly isn’t saying, “Hey, a kid is meant to be for you. Stop fighting it and trying to run away from it as you did with guys.” What is it, then, if anything at all?

If the Melatonin really works, is it a sign that I need to get on a schedule so I can go to college in the fall? If I solve my schedule problem, what will God replace it with? What will be the new weird, strange, unusual, abnormal thing that will replace it?

They say God helps those that help themselves, but I don’t think so. There’s no way that statement can be true. I’ve been trying to help myself, help Tom, help us, so why won’t he step in and help me where I can’t help myself after I’ve tried so hard? In fact, last night I got the overwhelming urge to pray to him for the first time in a while. I asked him why he won’t help me since I’ve been trying to help myself and to please show me an obvious sign as to whether or not Tom’s lying like I believe he is. Also, to show me an obvious sign as to whether or not he won’t allow me to have a kid as I believe he won’t. I asked him why he felt such a need to hurt me and torture me and have me faced with one bizarre issue after another that I can’t solve. Why can’t he love me the way he can love a non-remorseful murderer? I asked him to show me what’s meant to be and to help me deal with and achieve whatever’s meant to be and whatever path he really wants me on. I’ve looked and searched through my mind since praying to see if I see anything that may make any sense or answer any of my questions but can’t see anything. At least not yet, anyway, and I doubt I ever will.

Also, if good things really do come to those who wait, then I guess I must be blessed sooner or later with something absolutely wonderful, if not a kid.

I told Tom yesterday that he’s just like he is with the kid as he is with the signing. All this talk about how much he wants to learn it, but no action. He complains about the way I teach, then has me type up pages of common words saying he’s gonna film it so he can learn that way and his only excuse is that he’s busy. And he expects to make time for a kid? It’s a matter of priority and how much a person wants something that determines whether or not they make the time for it.

Yesterday when I went to get my email from AOL, there was a message from Rat49. It said: Were you just thinking that the rooms were all on fire? See ya. I wrote back saying that he must be a friend of Andy’s, Kim’s or Alex’s, but it turns out the message was from Tom. He said something about it being an original screen name of his.

Later…

First I’m gonna start off with some good news. It’s nice to have some good news, even though it’ll never be the kind of good news I’d really like to be able to tell.

I did an excellent drawing of a face and it shocked the shit out of me when I sat back and looked at it. She looked so real. She looked like she was really looking back at me and even Tom noticed how real she looked. I must admit I was proud of myself and hope to do more just like it, but won’t count on it. Yes, this is one of my presents from God to compensate me for never being allowed to have a kid.

The other good news is that I think I’m doing better at doing what’s right and what’s meant to be. I’m working really hard to forget about the kid, drop the subject and get on with my life. If I could wish for two things at this point, it’d be for the Melatonin to be able to help me help myself get on a schedule and for Tom to confess. Will God allow that, though? Who knows, and if something does ever help get me on a schedule that I can keep and if Tom ever does decide to confess, who knows how long that could take? If the Melatonin helps me, then there’ll be only one of us who’s a weirdo freak, but he’s not really, since he wants to be the way he is. I guess I’ll always feel that with the exception of what color lipstick I buy and what music I listen to and stuff like that, I’ll never have control over my own life and body. I must do what God and Tom want me to do. Tom would never stop me from dancing, but he’s expressed to me how he feels it’s degrading and that it’s a loser job and that he knows I’m not a loser, so that’s why he’d be disappointed to see me doing it. So, what does Jodi do? Always what her man wants. If the Melatonin helps, I’m gonna look into maybe working at a bookstore or a music store and really do a loser job. If I’ll ever really go to college, I don’t know. I really wish I could do some kind of work at home so I wouldn’t have to worry about transportation, but that’s just a fantasy.

Sometimes I need to cry. Tom went down on me before going to bed, then I went into the music room, turned on the music and cried. I managed to cry a little, but maybe it would’ve helped a little more if I could’ve cried more. I can’t just get the tears to come whenever I feel the need to release my emotions.

Tomorrow I’m mid-cycle and he knows it, so he won’t touch me. At least not with his dick anyhow. He mentioned the possibility of sleeping later tomorrow, to no doubt avoid my even suggesting it and he knows I’ll be asleep when he gets home.

Sometimes I just want to grab him and say, “Look. Ever since we’ve been married, I’ve always done what you wanted. Things have always been your way in and out of bed. If you really care about me and love me and want me to be happier, then let’s go to a doctor.”

Who do I think I’m kidding, though? If his own wife can’t get him to want a kid and to have a kid, no doctor can. Besides, if he did anything I wanted him to do or us to do that he doesn’t want to do, then he’ll just say what I’ve been saying about him and say that everything has to be my way. Guess it’s easier if he has his way. I don’t have a choice, anyway. He has the power and control needed to make sure things are always his way. I can’t fight him and win and get anything I really want, any more than I could fight God for what I really want and win.