It took me a couple of days after that attack to get my strength back. I was pretty exhausted and had been sleeping in spurts, but that’s how it usually works after an attack. Emotionally, I was pretty bummed, too. That Melatonin had seemed like a miracle cure, but as they say - if something’s too good to be true, it isn’t true.

What the hell, though? I don’t need to work and I’ll never have a child, so it doesn’t matter if I can hold a schedule or not. Tom believes and tells me to stop trying and it’ll naturally happen by itself. He means the schedule and the kid. He believes things are just handed to you on a silver platter and that they just happen on their own if you don’t try or put any effort into them. Is this why I still smoke? Why haven’t I just happened to have quit smoking then, if I haven’t been trying which has been the case with me?

Tom downloaded Crazy 8’s from AOL. We played each other on the two computers and then I played myself and it’s really cool and a lot of fun. You can play against the computer or with someone else on another computer.

The pigeons are really very strange. One laid an egg in the pool.

We did missionary position last night. I really, really enjoyed it, but he didn’t last more than a few minutes since his shoulders were sore (he’s always sore or tired).

Later…

Tom’s up now and last night we discussed having fun this morning, but I don’t know. He really only likes sex at the end of his day or before bed. He may not want to do anything this morning or maybe he’ll just want to go down on me. I don’t think he feels comfortable screwing towards the beginning of his day when he’s most energetic and therefore has a harder time holding back.

I wanted to see if he really pays attention as I believe he does to when I get my periods. So I told him I forgot to write down when I got it and asked if he knew. He knew. So on June 8th when I’m mid-cycle, he won’t touch me. I still wonder why, though, when he knows I can’t get pregnant with him not cumming and I doubt he’s worried he’d slip and let go since he never has yet. And why would God help keep him away from me then when Tom won’t cum and when God knows that all he has to do is make sure I’m sterile due to the DES or something else?