Last night I took the Melatonin for the first time. For the third time in a row, I had been up for 18 hours and had only slept 6 hours. I took it and fell asleep an hour later at 7:00 PM. Then I awoke at 2:30 wheezing. So I settled that down, took another one and conked out till 7:00. I only woke up for a few seconds at 4:30. I finally got all caught up on my sleep. It’s too soon, though, to tell if it’ll keep me on a schedule.

I typed letters to Larry and my parents and later or tomorrow I’ll do one for Bob and Kim.

Later…

I just took a break to sing for the second time today.

Maybe birds really are psychic like I heard some people think. I was sitting there thinking that I hadn’t seen Chicken Pigeon, but then I remembered how he usually shows up at sunup and towards the end of the day. But then I thought to myself - where’s Measles? He should be here now. Then, just as if he knew what I was thinking, he came flying in. I fed him some seed right away out of the cup and the other birds know he’s one of my favorites and they each flew up on the table by my chair where Measles was eating from the cup and nudged my hand as if to say, “Hey! What about us?”

I guess they do nest in palm trees and not buildings like Tom and I thought, cuz I’ve seen them take twigs up into the palm trees across the street.

One of them did something so funny the other day. My cigarette bucket and their food bucket were about 3 inches apart from each other on the table, when I slowly, without looking, went to flick my ash. I then noticed one backing up in between the 2 buckets and he was stuck and had no room to open his wings and he wasn’t about to walk forward into my cigarette. So I quickly pulled it away and he bounced off my lap and off of other birds’ backs.

I hope to hell those bee things we ordered today work. I can’t picture myself ever getting over my fear of bees on my own, any more than I can picture Tom cumming. It just isn’t us. Never has been, never will be.

If Tom really never has ever experienced an orgasm, like I wonder, I feel so sorry for him. He doesn’t know what he’s missing. It’s the best feeling in life that the human body can feel, in my opinion.

If it’s a case of a physical problem that Tom knew he always had, I wonder if he decided to lie about it cuz he felt that that was the best thing he could tell me. Maybe he did always know he lied about it like I mostly always thought, but felt that he was truly doing the right thing and maybe he never thought it’d hurt me and now he feels like he’s in it way too deep to admit it or maybe he’s really gotten himself to believe what he says. I’ll never know. But my journal is my place to wonder, to dream, to analyze, to fantasize and so very much more.

Just think, though, an impotent guy with an infertile woman. How cute. Maybe God sent me a guy like Tom as a payback for cutting guys down which God so very much favors over women, despite my DES.

I dumped the vibrator this morning. Tom got batteries, but the day before I had a vibe that it was broken. I told Tom that I’d try it out, but that if it didn’t work, I’d say it wasn’t meant to be and dump it. So, Tom said he didn’t buy as many batteries as he was gonna till I saw if my vibe was right. It was, and I guess that’s just part of God’s “faulty” sexual stuff that applies to me and those I know.

Tom did it again last night and this morning. Last night he said he’s gonna make sure I get to see my folks within the next year or two and I think I can really believe that. Then today he said he’s trying to get out of the next 3 house payments and have them stuck on the end of our payments so we can catch up. He says this has caused him to change some plans of ours. I said to let me know what they were when he could and he said, “Not anything major like that.” I know that he means the kid and I started to get angry at his confusing contradictions, but then I realized, I know the truth, I don’t need to get angry. I know we can’t go to Florida in a year or two and have me get pregnant by September or anytime during that year or two. If a kid had been meant for us and if we were gonna go for sure within the next year or two, we’d have to go first and make the kid after.

I can’t believe we didn’t get one piece of mail today. What a rare occasion for us.

Remember how I said I sent away for 6 books? Well, I guess they are gonna be sending them cuz they sent a card yesterday saying they were out of stock of one of them. When and if I’ll get any for sure; we’ll have to see.

I’m looking forward to getting out of here this weekend, but I can’t wait till we have extra spending money just to have fun with. I guess we’re still a long way away from that, but it’s nice to sit and fantasize about us each having a few hundred bucks to go blow in the mall or wherever.

Later…

Tom wants sex today. Oh, brother. I’m not even in the mood. He’s waiting till he’s close to going to bed, as usual. You can that any more eager on his part?

I’m watching a movie right now. It’s pretty good. It’s called Malicious. It’s about a girl who’s obsessed with a guy who’s spoken for.

Right before Tom went to bed, or about a half-hour before he went to bed, he and I lay in bed chatting. I told him I wasn’t horny at the moment and I offered just to do him, but he doesn’t like that, even though he sometimes pretends to and denies that all he wants to do is please only me.

Boy, this is a good movie. She broke into his house, then she drugged him so she could fuck him.

At 10:00 I’m gonna take a Melatonin and then again at 11:00 and then go to bed. Tom’s gonna spray out back around the patio area at sunup, then he’s gonna wake me up at 6:00. At 6:30 we’re gonna bomb and leave for two hours. We’re gonna go out to Jack-n-the-Box for breakfast and cruise around till we return. Then at 10:30, or so, we’ll go to the art store and a pet shop to get new sawdust for Piggy. Around noon, Tom and his parents are gonna go to the racetrack.

Later…

I just took a Melatonin and am gonna crash in an hour or two. I don’t know if I’ll take another pill before bed. If I don’t sleep much, fine. I slept a long time last night. Melatonin is a type of vitamin. It says you can take it as a dietary supplement.