I think I forgot to mention that I had told my sister I had a bad vibe pertaining to her and her family but didn’t know who or any details. Then, Bill was hospitalized, cuz he couldn’t stop puking. He’s been out of the hospital since last week. Is God ever gonna give that family a break, too? My whole side of the family is cursed in one way or the other. It isn’t just me.

Anyway, today Tom was gonna come home from work (he isn’t home yet), then we were both going to go take Mom to the doctor for an EKG, then bring her home, then come home ourselves. Originally, Nora was gonna take her, but then Tom told me yesterday that she couldn’t take her, so he would and I was welcome to come along.

At first I was thinking to myself, God must’ve said, “No. Nora’s not the one I want mainly taking care of her. It’s Tom I want. I’ve got to keep him busy enough and make sure they don’t reproduce.” Not like we can now, anyway. I couldn’t believe that Nora of all people was helping her with anything.

Then I got mad at myself for thinking, “We’ve got to take our child to the doctor. Just another way of making sure Tom and I have no time this morning to screw.” Then I realized we did screw yesterday, he’d be too tired to after working all night, and that I was being selfish. I mean, this is a sweet lady that I love dearly and if I were in her shoes, I’d want someone I knew and trusted to help me, too.

So, she called about 15 minutes ago to tell me that Nora was going to be taking her after all and to tell Tom he didn’t need to take her. I told her we were both gonna take her. Then she said, “Oh darn,” in a disappointed voice, as soon as she knew I was to be going along with Tom. I realized again, wow, she really does love to see me. So, she said she still wanted to see me some other time and that she still intended to come over here to see the house and my artwork.

Then I told Ma that my schedule varies, but that I’m now on days, so maybe real soon she can come over. She then said she never could do that and that she had a set schedule. I told her I envied her and that I don’t do this by choice, but that I still get done what’s got to be done as best I can, no matter when I’m up. She was so accepting of it. She never once thought that was weird or told me I should do something about it and I told her that one of the many things I love about Tom is that you’ve gotten me to see that that’s just how I am, even though I’d still change it if I could, and she agreed.

Last night I called Mary, cuz I wanted to tell her all about how I’ve set up Gizzy’s cage. Gizzy is using the second floor more so and at first, I was afraid he’d ignore it, but right now he’s asleep up in the burrow.

So, I told Mary that now that my mug collection was just about over, I wanted to get tubes and little by little build a maze for Gizzy. I asked about prices on tubes and if they came with connectors and caps. Then she said she had extra connectors and caps and that she’d put together a bag for me and then all I’d have to do is buy tubes. 

That was so nice of her!

She then asked if Tom were up and I told her that he wasn’t. She said she never knew when he was up or not. I told her it varied. Then she asked me when I slept. I told her, “Call it a problem, call it weird, but my schedule varies.” Then she said that there was nothing wrong with that. Again, I thought, what a family!

I forgot to mention something else Andy and I talked about yesterday that was kind of funny. Well, he was going on and on about how the Gemini women he knows, can be loving and caring but are mostly vicious bitches who’ll spite their own selves just to spite others. I told him he was describing my mother perfectly. Then he asked if she was a Gemini. I told him she was, and he said that that’s so fitting for a woman like her to be a Gemini.

To expand more on the compromise Tom and I made. Well, I know that no matter what we do or how often we do it, a child isn’t meant to be, but in exchange for me getting another PAP done (one more time only!), we can make the time to screw during mid-cycle. That’s sweet of him, but it won’t work if he doesn’t cum and as long as God says no to our having a kid. I’ll just go along with this, though, even though it’s a pointless waste of time. I do like sex, though!

He hasn’t cum at all in March and now I’m starting to wonder if he’s back to his days of not cumming. And also, if it could have to do with the potential visit coming up with my folks. He says life still goes on and we still have to do what we’ve got to do, but deep down, he may want to wait till after the visit, to avoid any possible conflict with that and so that I’m not hit with too much at once. Well, if they really are coming, God knows it. And also, if God does have it in our cards to grant us a kid, he ain’t gonna do so before they get here. No way. I don’t know how or why I know this, but I just do.

Well, I think it still all comes down to fate. It doesn’t matter if and when he cums and how much when fate is fate and a kid isn’t part of our fate. If it is a part of our fate, if it’s a part of anyone’s fate, God says when. Not people. God’s the one that creates or doesn’t create life.

I didn’t put this together during my early to mid-20s, but back when I was having constant yeast infections, it was mostly when I was fooling around with women. Now I know that that was his way of saying he didn’t want any women down there and he was cursing my privates for it. It was like a symbol he put there as a sign telling me that what I was doing was wrong for me and why he didn’t prevent me from being with a woman in the first place, beats me. Of course, I didn’t know any of this at the time, as I said before.

Well, if there’s anything about God that’s out of character when it comes to dealing with me, it’s that he hasn’t done anything serious to my female parts. Why hasn’t he? You’d think he would, to symbolize and remind me who owns and operates my plumbing (not that I need it). In a way, I wouldn’t be surprised if the bloody PAPs were from sex. Leave it to God to compensate me like that. Cuz he lets me have sex with someone I love, I have to pay for it with bloody PAPs. There’s always a price to pay for any sex I have. It’s either infrequent. Not mutual. Not making a baby, etc. There’s always a problem with it and I just wish he’d stop hexing my sex life and sex parts and controlling them (and Tom) and leave us alone.