Yesterday ended with a good ending after all. We did end up screwing, believe it or not, but naturally, God made sure he didn’t cum, cuz yesterday was much more than likely the day I should’ve been most fertile. And it always goes without saying, that that’s if I’m OK.

Something weird happened after I took my temperature and saw that I was 98.7. I took it again and it read 97.8. I think maybe the thermometer’s a bit screwy, but nonetheless, I know that whatever day I’m to be ovulating, if I do, we won’t be having sex those days. If we do have sex those days, he won’t cum.

I still don’t know how serious Tom is about anything. I mean, he denies it, but I still feel that he’s trying to instill patience in me and that he sometimes punishes me. Maybe I’m just paranoid, but he keeps saying things and doesn’t put his actions where his mouth is. If we can have a full-time sex life, instead of a part-time sex life, if it’s so possible, then why haven’t we? Maybe because regardless of what Tom says, I don’t think it’s that worth it to him and whatever’s up there won’t allow it.

So like an idiot who knows how to quit but doesn’t know how to stay quit, I made a stupid and impossible agreement with Tom. For the rest of March and throughout April, we’ll just have sex whenever. Then, in May, we’ll pick out the 3 likeliest days I should conceive and we’ll screw those days. Guess what, though? This isn’t gonna work unless he cums. We’re gonna be real damn lucky if he can get off on just one of the days we pick and of course, God will make sure it’s the wrong one. I want him to have fun and get off during those wrong times, too, and be happy, but will God ever just give us a break, let us hit it right, have what we want, and leave us alone? No. Of course not.

Speaking of God not leaving me the fuck alone, that dreaded call finally came. I got up too late to call back, but the message was from Rugg’s office saying she had some lab results for me. Great! Just what I fucking need. I’m so sick of these female exams having to be a repetitious thing every time I go. Can’t it just be done and over with in one shot? Tom says it’s too late to be anything really bad. Meaning, they’d have called sooner if it were bad. He thinks it’s either an infection or maybe something’s wrong with my thyroid. Or maybe I’m anemic. Who gives a shit! I just want to be left alone. I’m tired of God controlling my body and I’m not going in there again. What? Was Andy right after all, when he said I had some kind of infection along a wall? Well, I’m sure God planned to have my schedule as it is, so I could wonder about this all weekend. I hope it’s something simple like me needing antibiotics if there’s anything wrong. Her tone of voice didn’t sound too pleased. Tom said it sounded like an "it's it’s-Friday-I-want-to-get-the-hell-out-of-here" voice. 

At only 1-something in the afternoon?

Anyway, I still haven’t talked to Andy to find out what his adventure was all about, but I’m sure I will talk to him soon enough.

On the brighter side of things, I just might be starting to lose weight after all, and just maybe, I do have some control leftover this body of mine. I’d rather be a fat mom, but since I’ll never be, I may as well try to look my best.

All I can do, though, is think of that dream, but Tom’s right. If they were gonna call me up cuz something was wrong where I needed a hysterectomy or something that’d prove me sterile, they’d have already done so.

If I have an infection downstairs, Tom said that that could be from a tiny amount of bacteria on his dick that got up in me. Rugg did say men are pigs, but anyway, if I’ve got an infection down there, I wonder if that’s got anything to do with how bloated I’ve been, although it’s improved a smidgen since I’m off the Aerobid and doing crunches. I don’t think I’ve felt any symptoms of any infections, but that could also explain the dizzy spells I’ve had. I haven’t had any of those for about a week now.

If only she could tell me I was pregnant and that the reason why the pregnancy test we did didn’t say so was cuz we took it too soon and the reason why I got a period is cuz that happens sometimes and it’s common for women to have early pregnancy bleeding. I’m such a silly little dreamer, aren’t I?

Why does God have to give me physical problems? Can’t he just give me the baby instead? Or if he has to get me physically, can’t he give me the kid first, then get me physically?

Anyway, back to the weight. For about a month or two now, I’ve been weighing a steady 108. And sometimes I wake up at 106, pop a vitamin, have some coffee, then weigh 108. That’s how slow my metabolism was. Well, today, for the first day in ages, I’ve been a steady 106 even after eating and I’m now a good 6 hours into my day.

When Tom gets up in a few hours, I’m sure God will allow him to cum then. It’s too late now. It’s right before the egg has popped out that you want to get injected. Yeah well, that egg popped out a good 24-48 hours ago.

I forgot to mention that Tom brought home a calculator from work. It has a pad and purple pen in its case too, as well as a clock, but the pen was dead. He also brought home one of those plastic things that cling to windows. Like the Chanukah decorations Ma had sent a couple of years ago, only this one’s a sunshade for cars.